*ahem*

Hey, I'm back! Where did I go? Well, besides taking a day off to go to King's Dominion to ride Volcano the Blast Coaster -- THE GREATEST ROLLERCOASTER OF ALL TIME! -- I also took a day off to recover from *Cough*Blargh-o* the Phlegm Sneezer -- THE GROSSEST COLD/FLU OF ALL SUMMER. Ironically, both resulted in the loss of my voice, which also explains why I failed to follow through with the lowly anticipated second episode of The Anti DC Show on Friday. And depending on your view of that project, allow me to either say, "I'm sorry," or, "You're welcome." However, if you're glad episode two didn't pan out last week, then clearly your tastes are far too high-brow not only to be reading this blog but to be living in a society where there exists a television series entitled, "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." Good luck, everybody...

I'd also like to wish good luck upon the newly launched "hyperlocal" news site TBD.com, with which, as I'm sure you've noticed if you stop by here with any regularity, I've become affiliated. While I'm sure the vast majority of you don't give two sh*ts (or even a smidgen of just one sh*t, I suspect) who I team up with, I know at least a couple of you have noticed enough to ask whether this is a sign of me finally selling out.

First of all -- I wish. But the sad reality is that I'm still not getting paid to write. Now, if you're as appalled as I am about that and wish to remedy this situation by either advertising on this blog (which has enough readers to be worthwhile, I might add), giving me a book deal, developing a sitcom with me, or offering me my own humor/cultural criticism column in your magazine/newspaper because, ACK!, someone needs to fill the space Cathy left behind, then email me now. Please. (Theantidc at gmail dot com.)

Because as of now, the best I can monetarily hope for in the near future is that a lot of you are interested in calling federal prisons, buying a Speedo or clicking through to some such other randomly generated service offered up in my weird Google ad in the upper-righthand corner. If 1 million or more of you do, I might just be able to buy myself a beer in six months...

So, if cold hard cash isn't the appeal of joining TBD.com's community network then what is? I mean, there's gotta be some benefit, right? Certainly, I'm not just letting them link to my brilliant material out of the shear goodness of your heart...

Duh. Of course not. If there's anything we should learn from living in the United States of America, it's that knowing you're pregnant volunteering is for suckers. Yet, while I realize TBD.com is probably making more money off of me (if not directly, then certainly indirectly by using more unpaid bloggers instead of more paid reporters to create content), they're providing me more exposure than I'd be able to buy had they paid for the content they've used from me thus far, which has included two blog entries and an interview. In short, we're both ripping each other off. It's a wonderfully American thing.

Yet exposure is not the ultimate goal for me. Instead, like the flasher in the park, it's simply a means to an end. Except while that creeper wants to molest the world, I want to caress it...with ideas! Words! Near limitless unsettling similes and metaphors! O, dear world! You are the sun to my moon! (See?)

So, yes, while TBD.com isn't reaching out to slap my moon's big, white bottom, it's certainly turning a spotlight on it so that others, such as advertisers, literary agents, television developers and editors, may. Hey, the Washington Post's Howard Kurtz gave it a tap (UNSETTLING!), so this partnership must be doing something right! Now if only someone would grab it properly and hold on. And pay me. Like a prostitute. Like a hooker. Like a strumpet. Like a working gal. Like a whore. Like an escort. Like a streetwalker. Like a lady of the night. Like someone who performs sexual acts for reasonable amounts of money. (Hey, I said NEAR limitless...)

But seriously, TBD.com is a pretty cool new site. And I say this not just because they've been generous in linking to my page. I say this because they've tapped into something other local news media outlets often miss these days -- relevance. That, and it's nice knowing The Anti DC Show isn't the lone program on the meta-channel in all our minds known as Shamblesvision. FUEGO!