Wednesday, August 18, 2010

the salahis are a giant conspiracy theory!

There are few things in life that get my goat other than the obvious (goat-nappers) and people like Tareq and Michaele Salahi. The mere fact that I know who these people are makes my goat want to get got and me want to give myself a lobotomy. Sadly, though, there's nary a way to avoid these assholes anymore, regardless of whether you're in Bravo's Real Housewives demographic or not. Yes now, simply by default of being near a television, you're forced to encounter these clear f*ck-ups in evolution whether you want to or not. For example, here they are farting all over HBO's Real Sports w/ Bryant Gumbel yesterday.

My goat just ate a revolver and shot itself inside out. What a f*cking sh*tshow...

And while I grab my Shamwow to clean this mess up, riddle me this: Do the Salahis prove that the whole world is against us or does their dopey omnipresence demonstrate an inside job? That is, who's trying to keep us from being anything more than that old stereotype of Hollywood for ugly people? Because really, this time-machine version of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt is doing more to make sure we remain just that but dumber than any Martha Washington-looking politician ever did, including even George Washington and his purported 30 dicks.

I mean, seriously, what is going on here? If it's all the Salahis' doing, I ask what happened to the days when being rich meant you built a compound named Xanadu and went crazy in opulent privacy? Why are people today so intent on putting their private shambles on a public stage, especially in DC where being famous for fame's sake has no obvious pay-off. In fact, save for the President and a few pre-selected others, more often than not, when people in DC become household names to America-at-large, it's usually a sign that you'll soon be cast off into obscurity. Larry Craig, Eric Massa, Mark Foley, Scooter Libby: Where are they now? (Answer: Consulting, Tickling, Florida, Unemployed.)

The only sure way to stave off that unfortunate fate is to have a talent. In other words, the Salahis are f*cked.

In fact, they're so f*cked that I think no mortal being would ever want to intentionally create such a hell-on-Earth for themselves. Which means the Salahis seem like an outsider's attempt to keep DC down. These outsiders wonder, "If DC were to ever get legitimately cool, then what would happen to the the status of cities like New York and L.A.?" Indeed, it's brilliant! What better way to make sure DC stays an uncool Hollywood for ugly people than by treating uncool ugly people like they're Hollywood?

Aha! I ask you, why did Bryant Gumbel invite the Salahis on his show? Clearly, it wasn't just to talk about polo! Yes, after exhausting myself trying to find out where Tareq stood in the world polo rankings and failing (I'm talking, like, five Google searches, people!), the Internet gave me the impression that Tareq is as influential in the game as a baby sloth is at not being cute. FAIL!

O! You sneaky bastards, other towns! You almost got us! But get this -- most of us here don't want it. We don't want to be New York or Hollywood. If we did, we'd move there. Proudly and defiantly, we are and shall always remain a place where the less attractive get the most TV time. (The Anti DC Show ain't gonna be a success 'cause it's easy on the eyes!) However, we beg you to let DC remain a place where we can forever be smarter than you. Slopping up the airwaves with the Salahis representing Washington is not only like throwing salt in our unattractive wounds, but it's like crashing the whole salt truck into our hideously deformed eye sockets. Now, we can't even see. And if we can't see, not only is DC f*cked, but the whole damn world is. It's like Hollywood's slipped us a mickey and now we're the company CEO at the office party with his shirt off and the lampshade on his head. As much as I hate our usual buttoned-up demeanor, it still beats being the formerly respected boss who wakes up the next day in a pile of his own vomit; he staggers over to the bathroom mirror only to find out he joined the PEN15 club via a magic-marker tattoo on his forehead. The whole thing's a disgrace.

So please, let's sober up and forget this notion that we, ourselves, or any outsiders can ever rid us of our image of being the NPR nerds. My friends, just like you cannot polish a turd, you also cannot tarnish it. A turd is a turd is a turd! Now, if you'll excuse me, I must see what that Real Housewife Diane Rehm is up to.


Anonymous said...

Reason # 784 out of a total of 879,233 reasons why the doucherati in DC are not smarter than the rest of the nation:

The Federal Deficit.

Its only a matter of time until the uprising.

FoggyDew said...

Hopefully, one of these days, the police car behind them won't be escorting them somewhere lame, it'll be chasing them down to throw them in jail. And, when they don't stop, a barricade will be set up and there will be a WaPo article the next day about the tragic events surrounding the Salahis' attempt to flee the police.

@Anon - It should be pointed out that none of the 537 elected douchebags actually spending all that coin are actually from D.C. since D.C. isn't, yanno, a state with equal representation in Congress. The idiots are from out of town. Juuuussst thought I'd point that out.

Anonymous said...

Well FoggyDew, as a former 17 year DC resident and former DC homeowner, I'm fully aware of DC's lack of representation. Heck, I still have my DC license plates. (I refuse to return them because I don't trust the DC DMV clerks to not sell them to their criminal cronies. Seriously.)

Anywho, I should point out that career politicians are drawn to DC and fight to stay there; all while despising the very city that is home to their careers. Its a question of mindset and personality traits rather than a question of location of birth.

The Doucherati are drawn to DC because it is their natural habitat. They fact that they weren't born there is immaterial.

Since you brought it up, natives of DC are among the least educated, most-incarcerated, and unhealthiest people in "First World" societies. Juuuusssst thought that I'd point that out.

EmRo said...

@Anon - That seems unfair to list that DC natives are "the least educated, most-incarcerated, and unhealthiest people". I'd like to know what article that fact came from. I ask because I don't believe simply living in an area for 17 years gives a person the knowledge to judge strictly the native community of DC. Especially when you look at current lists and DC is listed regularly within the Top 20 of the Fittest Cities in the USA.

But guessing from the location you're thinking of, let's examine that specific area. I'm guessing where you're specifically thinking of is also considered lower class neighborhoods, with poorer education offered, and less income per household, which tends to lead to lower tests scores and overall graduation rates, higher crime rates and gang activity, and less health insurance which leads to poorer health.

Oh, and all those representatives in Congress? The majority live in NoVA and MD, and simply work in DC. So they're really only flocking to the working environment, not the living environment, so I'd like to hear the comments on that as opposed to the bashing on the supposed stupidity or health the people living in DC. Does it mean that all of us who work in DC are considered "Doucherati"? Or just those who states democratically elect to work there?

Patty Duke said...

Congradulations Marissa!
You now have your own Troll(Anon 7:23).

Anonymous said...


How about this: Washington DC consistently has one of the highest infant mortality rates in the developed world. Fact or fiction?

Or how about this: Washington DC has one of the highest HIV infection rates in the developed world. Fact or fiction?

They're both facts.

See, here is the rub: "DC" means "District of Columbia", not "Reston" or "Bethesda".

So when Melissa says that "DC is smarter than everyone else", does she really mean "The Washington-Baltimore Metropolitan Statistical Area (MSA)"?

The Washington MSA is one of the fittest in the country. DC itself is not. The Washington MSA is highly educated. DC is not.

The Washington MSA is dominated by transplants, both domestic and international. DC is dominated by transplants Monday through Friday, 7AM to 7PM.

Hard to accept for many people, I know. But its all true.

Anywho - back to Marissa's statement that "DC remain(s) a place where we can forever be smarter than you."

To your points: She really meant to say "the region immediately surrounding the city of Washington, DC remains a place where expatriates gather and engage in collective smug self-importance." Right?

Anonymous said...

"Congradulations "

Clearly, "DC" is "smart".

Anonymous said...

". I'm guessing where you're specifically thinking of is also considered lower class neighborhoods, with poorer education offered, and less income per household, which tends to lead to lower tests scores and overall graduation rates, higher crime rates and gang activity, and less health insurance which leads to poorer health. "

You've provided an accurate description for all of SE DC and NE DC other than Capital Hill, what little there is of SW DC, and most of NW DC to the East of Rock Creek Park.

(That's most of DC, in case you didn't know)

Marissa said...

Just in case there's any confusion (and there seems to be some), this essay was meant to be a rather absurd look at the overblown stereotypes that people outside of DC think of when they imagine DC (and, sure, the surrounding area) in the context of being cool or hip. Whether it's factually accurate or not that most people elsewhere think DC's mostly filled with young, college-educated nerds (whether they moved here or grew up here) isn't the point. I simply wanted to say that yes, we might be nerdier (or at least we were before the Salahis arrived to try to make it "cool"), we prefer it that way. Because "cool," in this case, meant the Salahis and, well, ew.

This whole thing about whether the stereotype is correct or not if you start dissecting it through specific socio-economic classes/origin, is an interesting point, but for a different blog post and probably a different blog. Honestly, anything with that many facts and statistics involved that would need to be heavily researched and probably written about a lot less flippantly simply doesn't sound fun to write about...

That said, I still welcome you to this little area of the Web. I warn you, though, if you're going to become a regular reader (and I hope you do and make sure to tell all your friends especially if they're literary agents), this blog is entertainment-based. I get my material from observation -- not research (clearly) -- and make my critiques with my tongue super-glued to my cheek.

And if I have any spelling errors in this response, I ask that you don't judge them so harshly. Blogger's comment system doesn't have a spell-check.


Anonymous said...

The Anti DC defends her pro-DC (inclusive of a surrounding 50 mile radius) blog post. Sweet.

I beleive I introduced you to BikeSnobNYC, which is where you got the "Helper (fill in the blank" idea. No?

So, I'm already a 'regular'.

Marissa said...

I'm not so sure this could be construed as pro-DC as I did call it both ugly and geeky. But I suppose it is a kind of World Series Defense in that it's a completely ridiculous defense if it's a defense at all. I guess did say that most of us here (at least as far as I can tell) would rather have the lesser evil of just being a gross nerd than the greater one, which is to live under some guise that we're something else -- like the Salahis. That's grosser. No thank you.

But whatever. I'm glad you're a regular. However, I'm not sure I know who you are. It was my brother who first introduced me to BikeSnobNYC (whom I love, btw) when he gave me the highest compliment I've ever received regarding my writing: "Your blog reminds me of his."

As far as BSNYC's use of the helper animal, I think he did get to it first. However, no one got to it before Homer Simpson and his helper monkey Mojo. For that reason, I've had helper monkey jokes for years. I didn't use a monkey on the blog because of BSNYC (although I used a monkey in today's post for the comedic effect), so I tweaked it a little.

So, I'm guessing you're not my brother...the mystery deepens...