Tuesday, August 24, 2010

the circle of tea party

Although I'd love to blog all over the Tea Partier's Guide to DC today, I've decided my mocking of it shall come in video form. And if all goes as planned, I'll be posting it tomorrow. However, while I won't leak any of my jokes on its content just yet, I do want to poke some fun at the Guide's layout.

Note to author Bruce Majors: The HTML code for line break is < "br" > -- I suggest you learn it. I mean, right now, it's a little hard to tell which establishment is in the "gay area." Is it Pasha Diner or CVS? Let me know: Will I have to dine with a homosexual around or buy my convenience items near one??? I AM FRIGHTENED AND CONFUSED!

Yet not as confused as the DEA is about common American dialects. It seems they're now on the hunt for 13 "Ebonics linguists," according to The Smoking Gun. And because I watched Airplane! on Sunday, the first thing that popped into my mind was, "Get that jive translator June Cleaver on the phone!" But then I learned this morning that the Washington Post's Jonathan Capehart beat me to the punch pizzunch.

And speaking of interpreters, I need one to read all the animal abuse displayed within this Craigslist ad for this adoptable cat. Don't people realize that a dressed up pussy is a sad pussy? Anyway, someone please adopt this poor kitty and set it free from its bizarre French prison because French prison is no fun. Trust me.

Just kidding. I've never been in a French prison. But I have had to sit through events that make me think, perhaps, French prison wouldn't be so bad (baguettes for days 20-to-life!). One such event is probably the film version of Eat, Pray, Love, which sounds like a journey more akin to a self-indulgent clusterf*ck than some sort of deep and spiritual vision quest. And while I generally avoid articles that feature more than pictures on Brightest Young Things, the site's take on the aforementioned nonsense is a pretty good read. It proves some things are so mockable, they transcend spelling, grammar and editing. ZING!

Oh, calm down, dipsters. Don't get your American Apparel in a bunch (or invest in it). I'm just joking. BYT is actually one of the better sites around when it comes to finding out about sh*t happening around DC that might actually be interesting. Washingtonian, however, is not. But I guess when your core audience is composed of the Real Houswives of DC instead of those who make fun of them, expecting anything more than, "Wow. That's really lame/pointless/Botox-y," is probably unrealistic. For example, even given the chance to rate root beers (which are delicious and exist in all sorts of microbrewed varieties), they listed IBC and A&W as two out of the Top 3. I guess a trip to Whole Foods to pick up a few less common grocery store brands was too exotic. Maybe. After all, both DC locations are outside of the Tea Party safe zone. See that? Full circle!


Ben (The Tiger in Exile) said...

Remember, American Apparel is just a front so that Charney can sexually harass his employees away from the scrutiny of Canadian laws.

Bruce Majors said...

I think perhaps you need to buy a new computer. My display doesn't have the pagination problems yours does.

My new guide for 9/12 (the next March before we wipe out the incumbents):