Let's get this straight, DC: When I said you need to get more creative yesterday, I didn't mean with your pointless crimes.
According to the Washington Post:
"On July 15 at a Giant Food store in Gaithersburg, police said, a man discharged fluid from a small bottle similar to those used to hold hand sanitizer and then snapped a photo of the act with his cellphone... Michael Wayne Edwards Jr., 28, has been charged in that incident and in another at a Michaels craft store, also in Gaithersburg. Police said that after questioning Edwards, they are looking for at least two more victims."
First off -- ew. Secondly -- still ew. Thirdly, though, why the f*ck would someone do this? Mr. Edwards, this is not the way to pick up the ladies. Especially the ladies who shop at Michaels. Try a line about scrapbooking next time. At the very least, don't make a lady pull out her Tide-to-Go stick the very first time you meet.
In other batsh*t crazy news, incumbent councilman Jim Graham's still hoping to squirt his proverbial jizz bottles all over Ward 1. First off -- ew. Secondly -- still ew. Thirdly, how does this asshole still have supporters? The man can't even sit through a telephone interview these days because he's too shifty. According to a Post profile on this dick:
"...Graham zealously guards his image. He declined to be interviewed for this article, but kept close tabs on the reporting -- telephoning and sending e-mails to Washington Post editors to complain that a reporter's questions to others suggested a negative bias. He eventually agreed to answer written questions."
It doesn't take a genius to conclude that when someone's that scared and paranoid, they're usually hiding something unbecoming. But why? If there's anything a DC politician should know by now it's that being corrupt doesn't hurt your image -- it helps! Just ask Marion Berry! At least he has the gonads to admit he's a total jackass. Graham, on the other bow-tie, still seems to be living in some tortoise-shell rimmed fantasyland where local politicians are still expected to be pretending to serve their constituents. Well, wake up, Graham, and smell the spunk in the squirt bottle! The jig is up!
Vote Weaver on 9/14. While I think he'll probably go the same route as his predecessors once he learns the secret to reelection (bribes!), for now at least you can trust him enough to make a cool campaign ad. That's big.