Monday, March 7, 2011

dmv vs. dmv as determined by a very elegant cat lady

Sometimes people ask me how it is that I compose a typical blog post. Do I plan it ahead of time? Do I compose an outline? Do I have a list of one-liners and Internet allusions by my side while I watch my helper tortoise Vladimir type away? No. No. No. And no. Everything that happens on The Anti DC, stays on The Anti DC. Really, save for the occasional Shambles P.I. event, which my new hire, a cephalopod named Nicodemus (duh, winning!), photographs by shapeshifting himself into a camera (no, for real!) and snaps days before the post goes up, most everything else that gets posted here is a last minute decision, or in today's case, totally by accident.

See, I was going to amaze you all with a vlog about my cat. Unfortunately, however, not everyone involved wanted to participate. In other words, my cat's an asshole. While the video started off nicely enough, by 30 seconds in, it had devolved into him attempting to scratch my face off. All this left me with was a set of comical stills and a new Facebook and Twitter profile picture that makes me look like a very elegant cat lady.

So elegant.
So stupid.
Not winning.
And so, we had to scratch that idea. (Get it?! SCRATCH? Ha!) and come up with something else. We'll go with the equally violent DMV Awards.

Well, I gotta say, violence at the DMV Awards comes as no surprise to me. Really, this news just reinforces all the stereotypes I already have. I mean, just thinking about these people makes me scared. I would really hate to meet one of these people on the street. They're vicious! Have you ever had to talk to one? It's bone-chilling! It also takes sooooo much time. It's like these people don't even understand what it's like to have responsibilities. All they do is just collect tax payer money --  my money -- and carry on like nothing's wrong. It's like they think that's how the world's supposed to work. It's sickening. Seriously, I hate having to go get my license renewed...

Wait, what? I sounded like a racist for a minute?! Um, you're the one assuming all Department of Motor Vehicles employees are black! Wait, what? Are you telling me DMV stands for something else? You're saying I should have researched a little before writing something? Well, that's an issue you should be taking up with Emilio, but fine, let me Google that for you myself...

Ohhhh, I see. My bad. DMV stands for DC-Maryland-Virginia and the DMV Awards was a ceremony honoring the local urban music scene. Did Wale win everything?!?! No? OK, fine. I'll stick to cat videos...

*Thanks in advance for the hair compliments. (I BETTER GET SOME!) Defying how it probably should look, this elegant cat lady style is called, "grow your highlights out for two years and cut your own bangs too short." It's what happens when your stylist skips town to go to business school (only in DC...). In other news, I should apparently start doing hair...

5 comments:

patrick said...

your bangs make your eyes look nice.
you look like a sweet lady.

somematt said...

I think I just savagely insulted you over at The Twitter... but my whithering tweet was meant for another. It was so out-from-left-field, that I'm sure (I hope) you'll weather it.
Plus, and too... I think you look SUPER-AWESOME with your bangs cut by a spastic 12-year-old... wait... YOU did them? EVEN BETTER!!!
Seriously, though... judging soley by them pics, you look like a scene, sister... and much much MUCH better than a Charlie scene. You look good.
Good job on your snip-snip.
Eh...
The malt liqueor is starting to make me a bit... you know... now, so I'll go.
signed,
one of the anonymous internet hoards.

FoggyDew said...

I was thinking someone looked a bit different from her profile picture in ... what was it? Washingtonian? Whichever one of those e-zines did a profile on you that had the picture of you and your bike.

And I had the same reaction to the "Violence erupts at DMV awards" headlines too. What the heck are a bunch of clerks rioting for and, more important, what have they actually done to get an award.

Anonymous said...

You'd make a nice high-end call girl.

www.eros-dc.com

Ah, DC. How do I do love thee.

Marissa said...

Patrick--

A sweet cat lady.

Somematt--

I don't believe it's possible to insult someone over Twitter, especially if malt liquor is involved.

FoggyDew--

I think it would've actually been more riotous had it really been the Department of Motor Vehicle awards.

Anon--

High-end? I'll take that as a compliment.