But for real, cultural institution aside, just thinking about the actual chili at Ben's makes my bowels go into a twister of agony that can only be relieved via a hurricane's force worth of winds. Yes, we're talking Category 5 farts, my friends. Sh*t ain't pretty...literally.
And just think of the environmental consequences! If every man, woman and child on earth dined on a bowl of Ben's, the resulting amount of methane released into the air would certainly kill everything on earth. It would be an explosion to put the Big Bang to shame! We'd bring about another ice age! The world would effectively end.
So, color me
I'm going to go ahead and call false advertising on the name of this "award." Now, if Ben's had decided to upgrade it's U.S.D.A Grade WTF meat to some sort of locally farmed and grazed variety, perhaps then we could talk. But this is an award simply for recycling cooking oil. And since, it seems, Ben's Clogged Toilet Bowl probably uses more than most -- 2,629 gallons to be exact -- they won. Or so I'm guessing.
But who cares. I know I'm in the minority when it comes to my opinion on whether Ben's is a food establishment or an enema factory, so it's not worth arguing about any longer. And who knows? Maybe one day, when I'm super pissed at my bowels, I'll even dine at Ben's again.
And speaking of local food, the Fojol Bros of Merlindia made a Top 20 list of American food trucks! Who knew mystery-restaurant Indian delivery food speckled with fake mustache hairs would be such a hit? Congratulations! Yes, these are the forefathers of the food truck bonanza currently happening in DC and I must thank them from the bottom of my black heart because they really paved the way for my own personal ambition -- Associated Smoothie Solutions. Instead of fake mustaches and wigs, however, my gimmick will be assless chaps (it'll make my decision to ever eat at Ben's that much easier). Despite my ingenious idea, though, I'm afraid to say the investors have not been filling up my inbox. I bet you they'd be into this idea in Portland...especially if I let them put a bird on it. (And yes, I'm still talking about my butt.)
Which brings me to Mike Tyson, well, the mention of the bird, not the butt. Has anyone seen his new show about pigeons on Animal Planet? It's amazing. It's the opposite of Ben's Chili Bowl.
Phew! I did it! I wasn't sure how I would get this blog to go