Monday, March 14, 2011

a very scatological essay

If anyone reads this blog with any regularity, you probably have heard about my hatred of the slop served at Ben's Chili Bowl. With that in mind, perhaps I should've said if you read this blog with any irregularity...


But for real, cultural institution aside, just thinking about the actual chili at Ben's makes my bowels go into a twister of agony that can only be relieved via a hurricane's force worth of winds. Yes, we're talking Category 5 farts, my friends. Sh*t ain't pretty...literally.

And just think of the environmental consequences! If every man, woman and child on earth dined on a bowl of Ben's, the resulting amount of methane released into the air would certainly kill everything on earth. It would be an explosion to put the Big Bang to shame! We'd bring about another ice age! The world would effectively end.

So, color me doo-doo brown surprised when I read this weekend that Ben's Chili Bowl received an award for environmental stewardship. Um...

I'm going to go ahead and call false advertising on the name of this "award." Now, if Ben's had decided to upgrade it's U.S.D.A Grade WTF meat to some sort of locally farmed and grazed variety, perhaps then we could talk. But this is an award simply for recycling cooking oil. And since, it seems, Ben's Clogged Toilet Bowl probably uses more than most -- 2,629 gallons to be exact -- they won. Or so I'm guessing.

But who cares. I know I'm in the minority when it comes to my opinion on whether Ben's is a food establishment or an enema factory, so it's not worth arguing about any longer. And who knows? Maybe one day, when I'm super pissed at my bowels, I'll even dine at Ben's again.

And speaking of local food, the Fojol Bros of Merlindia made a Top 20 list of American food trucks! Who knew mystery-restaurant Indian delivery food speckled with fake mustache hairs would be such a hit? Congratulations! Yes, these are the forefathers of the food truck bonanza currently happening in DC and I must thank them from the bottom of my black heart because they really paved the way for my own personal ambition -- Associated Smoothie Solutions. Instead of fake mustaches and wigs, however, my gimmick will be assless chaps (it'll make my decision to ever eat at Ben's that much easier). Despite my ingenious idea, though, I'm afraid to say the investors have not been filling up my inbox. I bet you they'd be into this idea in Portland...especially if I let them put a bird on it. (And yes, I'm still talking about my butt.)

Which brings me to Mike Tyson, well, the mention of the bird, not the butt. Has anyone seen his new show about pigeons on Animal Planet? It's amazing. It's the opposite of Ben's Chili Bowl.

Phew! I did it! I wasn't sure how I would get this blog to go full retard full circle, but I somehow managed, and just in time to watch The View, too. (Shut up.) And with that, I'll bid you a happy Monday. Remember, it's only five days till Friday!


Nicole said...

One of my goals for 2011 is to go to Ben's Chili Bowl. A lot of people have told me it's overrated but I feel like I should try it at least once. I've been living in this area for over 20 years and I've never been, which is basically a travesty.

Anonymous said...

Marissa, I strongly support your stance on Ben's Chili. How they've tricked an entire city into believing their food is good is beyond me (just kidding, it must be really simple in a city as full of stupid people as this one).

Nicole - Don't do it!!! Living in the area for over 20 years is punishment enough for yourself. Don't make things worse with Ben's Chili!

P.S. I can't say I'm not dismayed to e-hear (read) that your idea for a food truck is not serving cans of beans hobo style for $25 a pop from a bicyle.

-Anon Bri

earth7 said...

but when you are away from that godd ole yummy american junk, you miss it. it looks great

Marissa said...


I guess, maybe. Like, if you were living in China and never ate dog... Or something.

Anon Bri--

Well, it's certainly no El Pollo Rico. Also, I've noted that food bike idea.


Agreed, it's just that Ben's isn't "yummy" American junk...

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