DC doesn't often please me. In fact, more often than not it makes me question the very essence of humanity. I ponder such questions as "WHY GOD WHY?!" and "SERIOUSLY, IS THIS WHAT IT'S COME TO?!" But then something comes along so great, so monumental, so fantastical that it makes me stop in my proverbial e-tracks and type in boldface, "F*CK YES! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT, ARNOLD!" Of course then DC nearly always makes like Triumph, though, and comes along to poop on it. Asses.
Take for instance, this photo, which I jacked probably illegally from DCist.
Does that look like the work of a terrorist to you? DC thinks so!
How apropos, however, as yesterday I mentioned the ridiculousness of the Secret Service thinking a terrorist would waste his (or her! -- I'm equal opportunity over here at The Anti DC) time disguising an improvised explosive device in something as mundane as a pile of dirty laundry. I called it remedial, in fact.
So how's about disguising your IED as a giant stuffed bear?! Now that is some goddamn gold-star terrorism! Except, not really...at all. DCist pointed out that the image captured above is not unlike those of artiste Mark Jenkins. His sh*t is, in fact, pretty tight. And, SURPRISE, it's not explosive!
Sadly this should not be a surprise. OF COURSE this isn't a bomb. It's a giant stuffed hobo bear that's attempting to scavenge from a garbage can. It's wacky! It's wonderful! IT'S A LIFESIZE HOBO BEAR! Seriously, the laundry idea was more plausible than this... But does logic stop the city of DC, or any American city for that matter (DCist rightfully points toward Boston's infamous, yet hilarious, Aqua Teen Hunger Force debacle), from getting their metaphorical granny panties in a bunch? Hell-to-the-retardulous-no.
According to DCist and NBC4, residents around the area spotted the bear as early as seven in the morning. Police, however, didn't spring into action, as they're too busy yelling at me for jay-biking in an EMPTY F*CKING INTERSECTION, until 10 a.m. when they decided to shut down the Columbia Heights station. Then they stood around staring at it for a while trying to figure out if there was a person in the costume or if it was stuffed. Finally deeming it stuffed, the bomb squad came in around noon to chop the bear in half and concluded what everyone else had concluded at fricking 7 o'clock. It might be da bomb, but it's certainly not a bomb. I feel as sorry for that poor stuffed bear as I do for myself for cracking that last joke.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PEOPLE! A RANDOM, LIFESIZE STUFFED HOBO BEAR SHOULD BE THE SOURCE OF WHIMSICAL WONDER AND MIRTHFUL MERRIMENT, NOT A CAUSE FOR UNNECESSARY ALARM. It's sh*t like this that makes me thing the terrorists really have won. They've made our society so paranoid that we've sucked the fun out of everything...EVEN LIFESIZE STUFFED HOBO BEARS! For shame...
Photo and, well, all the facts stolen from DCist. Irrefutable opinion courtesy of The Anti DC. You're welcome.