Any good follower of this objectively retarded space on teh Webz should know by now that I bike commute to work every morning. If you're a really regular reader (I love you), you should even know my route, which brings me up and down Connecticut between Woodley Park and Van Ness almost every morning and night. What you may not know, however, is that I think I might be risking my life taking said route each day. Not because of the cars, which sometimes actively try to take me out. Nor because of my blatant disregard for the law. Not for the egregiously evident potholes, complete lack of bike-lane or even my blatant negligence of my own safety (I'm kind of an idiot).
Nope. I think I risk my life each day because every morning around 8:45, I am confronted by a bevy of police cars and two trucks labeled "explosives" barreling down Connecticut toward downtown.
Seriously, what the eff is going on each day that two trucks full of explosives need to rush downtown so fast that it becomes just a blur on my low-budget camera? What is going on in this town?!
More importantly, if you're going to be sending explosives back and forth on a busy city thoroughfare, why in all hell would you draw so much attention to it? Loud sirens, flashing lights and a big yellow "EXPLOSIVES" label act as a virtual Evite to any semi-resourceful terrorist. I mean, who needs to strap explosives to themselves when you have two trucks whizzing down a busy road full of drivers, pedestrians and ME?!
I feel safe. Truly. Thanks, DC. Crack job.
And I know I'm not the only curious soul to notice this daily, trinitrotoluene fiasco. Christopher Orr over at The New Republic blog also wonders what the eff is going on:
On my morning commute today I was passed on Connecticut Avenue by a police motorcade accompanying a couple of pickup trucks carrying metal crates vividly marked "Caution: High Explosives." It was at least the dozenth time I've witnessed this exact sight -- the volatile caravan speeding downtown on Connecticut with sirens blazing -- in the last couple months, and the fifth or sixth time I've seen it in just the last two weeks.
What could account for such a bottomless appetite for TNT? Is someone planning another Gunpowder Plot? Anyone able to provide firsthand knowledge, informed speculation, or idle conjecture is invited to do so in comments. But until this mystery is unraveled, I'd strongly recommend staying away from the Capitol on November 5.
My rebuttal to Mr. Orr is, just stay away on Nov. 5? I suggest staying away from the Capitol everyday. Not just because of the truckloads of explosives that may or may not be destined for it, but because the Capitol is filled with jagbags. Speaking of, I need to haul ass down there (pity me). If those damn explosive trucks weren't definitely breaking the sound barrier, I'd think about grabbing onto one and letting it tow me and my bike down there. I mean, if al-Qaeda hasn't caught on by now, I don't foresee any problems. Right? Anyone? Bueller?
But flawless transportation plans (and overused 1980s movie references) aside, I ask again, what the eff is going on here? The commenters on Orr's blog understandably had no idea. Construction? A grand scheme to take this city out? New Republic commenter Andy Daglas probably postured the best guess: "Has there been a commiserate uptick in orders for rocket skates, anvils, and side-of-a-mountain black paint?" Meep! Meep!