the name game

I don't often delve into the topic of politics on this blog, partly because I like to keep my biases to myself, but mostly because I'm an idiot and have no idea what I'm talking about. (I still mistake Freddie Mac for Bernie Mac -- RIP -- and the name Fannie Mae just makes me think of delicious chocolates. Mmmm...) But with this whole Sarah Palin phenomenon going on, I cannot just idly sit back without putting in my two cents, which are apparently being borrowed from Asia and now under the stewardship of the U.S. government. I'm confused.

Anyway, what I want to comment on is this woman's [in]ability to lead. I mean, let's say McCain wins, then stops breathing. Palin would be in charge. I just don't know if I can trust her with that kind of power. And I'm not even talking about her "record" (or lack thereof), her attempts to "pray away the gay" or her racist tendencies ("Arctic Arab," seriously?). No, I'm talking about something much more telling -- what she named her kids: Piper, Willow, Bristol, Track and Trig. Clearly, there was an abuse of power there.

While I can accept (albeit not like) what she chose to name her daughters (Piper, Willow and Bristol -- it's nearly impossible to sex-differentiate here), I cannot accept the words she chose to call her sons. Can I really trust her to be one old man away from the presidency? Allow me to break it down:

Track

Poor kid. Not only is the name Track just stupid...track and field, track radar, track marks...but imagine it being said with Palin's annoying, nasal Fargoesque accent: "Traaaaaaaaaack, do your homework!" "Traaaaaaaaaack, hand me my rifle!" "Traaaaaaaaaack, watch mama club a baby seal!" (Oh, wait, only Arctic Arabs are allowed to do that.) And just when you think it can't get worse...

Trig

Trigga what?! Poor boy. He has it way worse than big brother Track. Not only does he have Down Syndrome, but his mom went ahead and named him Trig, which I'm assuming, is short for trigger -- a device Palin is all too familiar with (anyone wanna shoot a wolf...from a helicopter?!). It's also the device attached to the literal and metaphorical gun that America's post-WWII foreign policy decisions have aimed at our own proverbial feet. Seriously, how f*cking embarrassing would it be for America to condone the "Republican" Party by electing McCain and Palin after the objective debacle of the last eight years? (I put "Repubican" in quotes, because what the party has morphed into today pretty much stands in exact opposition to the principles upon which it was founded. Can I get a witness, crazy religious right? Idiots. Don't blame me; Jesus told me to type that.)

And sure, all that e-jabbering I just spewed about foreign policy or whatever is a bit important, but I'm pleading with America to look at this through a longer-range lens. The kid who's currently growing in the womb of Palin's kid is probably going to be named Tool if it's a boy. And if we're not collectively smart enough to learn from our mistakes now, Tool will probably be president in 40 years. That is, if America hasn't flushed itself down the inexhaustable goblet by then. Seriously, Tool '48? We're f*cked.

But let's not end on that note. Can we all take another look at the photo of McCain and Obama posted above courtesy of a banner ad from NYtimes.com? Is it just me, or does it look like McCain and Obama are about to have their first kiss. Nervous Anticipation '08! Awww...

By the way, my disdain for the McCain-Palin ticket should not be read as an endorsement of the Obama-Biden ticket. Bob Barr '08, perhaps? Cynthia McKinney '08, maybe? Frank Moore '08, possibly definitely? Or how's about Charles Jay, Chuck Baldwin, Frank McEnulty, Gloria La Riva, Gene Admondson, Brian Moore, Jackson Kirk Grimes, Alan Keyes, Ralph Nader or Kelcey Wilson? Wha?! We have more than two choices?!?!?!? Eh...not really. Anyway, I will never tell. Although if you've read this blog for any period of days, you can probably guess with a fair amount of accuracy my candidate of choice. I'm pretty transparent. And I love freedom.