Tuesday, September 9, 2008

the name game

I don't often delve into the topic of politics on this blog, partly because I like to keep my biases to myself, but mostly because I'm an idiot and have no idea what I'm talking about. (I still mistake Freddie Mac for Bernie Mac -- RIP -- and the name Fannie Mae just makes me think of delicious chocolates. Mmmm...) But with this whole Sarah Palin phenomenon going on, I cannot just idly sit back without putting in my two cents, which are apparently being borrowed from Asia and now under the stewardship of the U.S. government. I'm confused.

Anyway, what I want to comment on is this woman's [in]ability to lead. I mean, let's say McCain wins, then stops breathing. Palin would be in charge. I just don't know if I can trust her with that kind of power. And I'm not even talking about her "record" (or lack thereof), her attempts to "pray away the gay" or her racist tendencies ("Arctic Arab," seriously?). No, I'm talking about something much more telling -- what she named her kids: Piper, Willow, Bristol, Track and Trig. Clearly, there was an abuse of power there.

While I can accept (albeit not like) what she chose to name her daughters (Piper, Willow and Bristol -- it's nearly impossible to sex-differentiate here), I cannot accept the words she chose to call her sons. Can I really trust her to be one old man away from the presidency? Allow me to break it down:


Poor kid. Not only is the name Track just stupid...track and field, track radar, track marks...but imagine it being said with Palin's annoying, nasal Fargoesque accent: "Traaaaaaaaaack, do your homework!" "Traaaaaaaaaack, hand me my rifle!" "Traaaaaaaaaack, watch mama club a baby seal!" (Oh, wait, only Arctic Arabs are allowed to do that.) And just when you think it can't get worse...


Trigga what?! Poor boy. He has it way worse than big brother Track. Not only does he have Down Syndrome, but his mom went ahead and named him Trig, which I'm assuming, is short for trigger -- a device Palin is all too familiar with (anyone wanna shoot a wolf...from a helicopter?!). It's also the device attached to the literal and metaphorical gun that America's post-WWII foreign policy decisions have aimed at our own proverbial feet. Seriously, how f*cking embarrassing would it be for America to condone the "Republican" Party by electing McCain and Palin after the objective debacle of the last eight years? (I put "Repubican" in quotes, because what the party has morphed into today pretty much stands in exact opposition to the principles upon which it was founded. Can I get a witness, crazy religious right? Idiots. Don't blame me; Jesus told me to type that.)

And sure, all that e-jabbering I just spewed about foreign policy or whatever is a bit important, but I'm pleading with America to look at this through a longer-range lens. The kid who's currently growing in the womb of Palin's kid is probably going to be named Tool if it's a boy. And if we're not collectively smart enough to learn from our mistakes now, Tool will probably be president in 40 years. That is, if America hasn't flushed itself down the inexhaustable goblet by then. Seriously, Tool '48? We're f*cked.

But let's not end on that note. Can we all take another look at the photo of McCain and Obama posted above courtesy of a banner ad from NYtimes.com? Is it just me, or does it look like McCain and Obama are about to have their first kiss. Nervous Anticipation '08! Awww...

By the way, my disdain for the McCain-Palin ticket should not be read as an endorsement of the Obama-Biden ticket. Bob Barr '08, perhaps? Cynthia McKinney '08, maybe? Frank Moore '08, possibly definitely? Or how's about Charles Jay, Chuck Baldwin, Frank McEnulty, Gloria La Riva, Gene Admondson, Brian Moore, Jackson Kirk Grimes, Alan Keyes, Ralph Nader or Kelcey Wilson? Wha?! We have more than two choices?!?!?!? Eh...not really. Anyway, I will never tell. Although if you've read this blog for any period of days, you can probably guess with a fair amount of accuracy my candidate of choice. I'm pretty transparent. And I love freedom.


Missy said...

"Tool '48: We're Fucked" is officially my g-away

Lemmonex said...

They are straight up white trash names. (And my name is kind of trashy.)

But to be honest, the names of her kids are the only thing I like about her. Much more exciting that McCain's kids...Jack? Jimmy? Meghan? BORING

I-66 said...

Lemmonex's name is only trashy if you say it with a twang, and only her first and middle names.

I vote Marissa/The Law '08.

Adam said...

Putin/Putin '08

suicide_blond said...

silly me...
i assumed Trig was short for trigonometry...
and well... i thought that was
...straight up cruel...
I dont have downs syndrome and i'm not sure i could do more than basic trig.

Marissa said...


Spread that message!


Hmm...I'm not sure about how white trash her kids' names are. More just stupid.


Funny. The Law and I were just talking about running for DC Council. The slogan would be: "Git 'er done! USA! Freedom! Terrorism? Not in our backyards!" We'd also be extremely drunk throughout the entire campaign. USA.


If only such things were possible. Maybe Putin/Zombie Yeltsin '08? Or is that impossible too. Dammit.


That crossed through my mind too. But I don't think math is as important as shooting things in Alaska. I can't wait to vacay there.

Greg Szeto said...

Trig can't stand for math. Math and science are just tools of the devil to erode small-town values.

I think it's hilarious to compare the two major party tickets on educational cred: 2 lawyers vs war vet/underachiever and sports broadcaster.

the most depressing thing is i'd almost rather have romney on the republican ticket. *shudder* he might be evil, but damn if he's not smart. i'm tired of people far stupider than me running things.

Stevious said...

I for one am disappointed with you Americans. I thought it was agreed that the Fresh Prince was going to be your first black president?

Marissa said...


Speaking of small town values: http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=184114&title=The-Best-F#&king-News-Team-Ever---Small-Town-Values



Oh no! Don't you know the Fresh Prince will be your first black Prime Minister? He's a citizen of the world.

Stevious said...

John Major was our first black prime minister. Well, he was kind of dark grey I spose.