mainstream media to dc nightlife: suck it

***ATTENTION: "HOLY SH*T! I'M VINDICATED AGAIN!" ADDENDUM ATTACHED***

Sometimes I wonder if it's me and not this city that has the problem. I always thought I was a realist, but could I be a pessimist? Do I want things here to suck? Do I will them to suck? I mean, let's be honest, the success of this blog depends on things sucking here. So, is it me? Do I make them suck?

Of course not.

Luckily for me these uncharacteristic bouts of self-doubt tend to last no more than 10-15 minutes seconds because my incredibly retardulous observations are almost always reinforced. Mostly it's by readers of this blog, but sometimes it's by the mainstream media. Now, being one with the media and also not being retarded, I know not to automatically believe everything I read, however, if what I read backs up something I've already said then I really have no choice in the matter. Plus, vindication is so sweet.

Anydouche, to my Tasti D-Lite, renowned fashion mag W confirmed what I wrote several blog years ago when I declared there is no such thing as a DC hipster. I observed:

There has yet to be a day during which DC logic makes sense to me. And by "logic," I mean retardedness. Apparently, your dear author here, is a hipster. I have only one three-word response to people in DC who've not only referred to me as a hipster online, but also in real life WHERE THEY CAN SEE AND SPEAK TO ME:

1. Only
2. In
3. DC.

Now, thanks to an article in last month's W (you know, the one with Kate Hudson looking one slicked-back chignon away from being in a Robert Palmer video) , I'm more assured than ever that my thoughts -- at least in this one instance -- were actually not baseless. W took a look at DC's nightlife (LOL!) and discovered that the word "hipster" in DC has been so warped from its original meaning, that not only does it barely encompass my tight-pants-loving ass, but it now includes anyone who's not voting for John "F*cking" McCain in November. Yep, leave it to DC to politicize a benign, nearly meaningless word. Dorks. Anyway, after scoffing a bit at the Late Night Shots crowd, W wrote:

Despite the social dominance of Republicans for nearly a decade, a liberal network also exists. Oddly, it's referred to as the "hipster scene" -- in DC, the term is synonymous with non-Republicans, not artsy types in tight pants and Converse sneakers -- and predictably it's much more low-key.

Case closed. DC is full of jagbags (they're the new douchebags). That's a fact.

But before I dismiss class today, I'd like to turn your attention to another part of W's quite depressing exposé. That is, DC is so jagbaggy that the two sides of the same ballot, if you will (and you will), refuse to get along because of their views on the economy or taxes or whatever. This results in an unwelcoming, elitist, self-segregated "scene." W writes:

During the Clinton administration, some U Street spots were decidedly Democratic. Jamal Simmons, the political analyst, remembers one Bush twin entering Stetsons in 2001 -- prompting his friend, who also worked in the Clinton White House, to declare, "They can have the Congress, they can have the White House, but they can never take Stetsons."

...Even now, some Republicans say the President's dismal poll numbers have clipped their social wings. "There's a lot of animosity," says one White House staffer. "You just want to go out with people who are like you, so you don't end up debating."

Now, maybe it's just me (wait, I demonstrated above that it's not), but this all seems rather ridiculous. Close-minded Republicans and close-minded Democrats have A LOT in common, actually. For example, can't they all just talk about their Ann Taylor Loft outfits? Or maybe wax poetic about their cats or something? Compare BlackBerrys? See! There are tons of things to kibbitz about.

Hmm...so where does all this leave me? Let's just say I'm really glad I don't have any qualms about boozing solo. Just kidding! I do have qualms about boozing solo. What I meant to say is it's a good thing my friends and I don't have any qualms about our sole common interest being booze! Alcoholism brings people together like no other -ism I know.

***BEGIN "HOLY SH*T! I'M VINDICATED AGAIN!" ADDENDUM***

Hey, remember when I declared, "Close-minded Republicans and close-minded Democrats have A LOT in common" and that they're really just "two sides of the same ballot"? Well, I hope you remember that not only because that was just 2-5 paragraphs ago, but because a third party has reinforced my theory again! And this time, my buttress isn't just a fashion magazine, but actual, real-life science! Staunch Democrats and Republicans really are two sides of the same ballot! They both disguise their mutual superficiality and willful blindness to understand the "other team" with different views of morality! Thank you science! I owe you one! But seriously, this is a really interesting talk (found via Clusterfck).



***END "HOLY SH*T! I'M VINDICATED AGAIN!" ADDENDUM***