Wednesday, September 17, 2008

mainstream media to dc nightlife: suck it


Sometimes I wonder if it's me and not this city that has the problem. I always thought I was a realist, but could I be a pessimist? Do I want things here to suck? Do I will them to suck? I mean, let's be honest, the success of this blog depends on things sucking here. So, is it me? Do I make them suck?

Of course not.

Luckily for me these uncharacteristic bouts of self-doubt tend to last no more than 10-15 minutes seconds because my incredibly retardulous observations are almost always reinforced. Mostly it's by readers of this blog, but sometimes it's by the mainstream media. Now, being one with the media and also not being retarded, I know not to automatically believe everything I read, however, if what I read backs up something I've already said then I really have no choice in the matter. Plus, vindication is so sweet.

Anydouche, to my Tasti D-Lite, renowned fashion mag W confirmed what I wrote several blog years ago when I declared there is no such thing as a DC hipster. I observed:

There has yet to be a day during which DC logic makes sense to me. And by "logic," I mean retardedness. Apparently, your dear author here, is a hipster. I have only one three-word response to people in DC who've not only referred to me as a hipster online, but also in real life WHERE THEY CAN SEE AND SPEAK TO ME:

1. Only
2. In
3. DC.

Now, thanks to an article in last month's W (you know, the one with Kate Hudson looking one slicked-back chignon away from being in a Robert Palmer video) , I'm more assured than ever that my thoughts -- at least in this one instance -- were actually not baseless. W took a look at DC's nightlife (LOL!) and discovered that the word "hipster" in DC has been so warped from its original meaning, that not only does it barely encompass my tight-pants-loving ass, but it now includes anyone who's not voting for John "F*cking" McCain in November. Yep, leave it to DC to politicize a benign, nearly meaningless word. Dorks. Anyway, after scoffing a bit at the Late Night Shots crowd, W wrote:

Despite the social dominance of Republicans for nearly a decade, a liberal network also exists. Oddly, it's referred to as the "hipster scene" -- in DC, the term is synonymous with non-Republicans, not artsy types in tight pants and Converse sneakers -- and predictably it's much more low-key.

Case closed. DC is full of jagbags (they're the new douchebags). That's a fact.

But before I dismiss class today, I'd like to turn your attention to another part of W's quite depressing exposé. That is, DC is so jagbaggy that the two sides of the same ballot, if you will (and you will), refuse to get along because of their views on the economy or taxes or whatever. This results in an unwelcoming, elitist, self-segregated "scene." W writes:

During the Clinton administration, some U Street spots were decidedly Democratic. Jamal Simmons, the political analyst, remembers one Bush twin entering Stetsons in 2001 -- prompting his friend, who also worked in the Clinton White House, to declare, "They can have the Congress, they can have the White House, but they can never take Stetsons."

...Even now, some Republicans say the President's dismal poll numbers have clipped their social wings. "There's a lot of animosity," says one White House staffer. "You just want to go out with people who are like you, so you don't end up debating."

Now, maybe it's just me (wait, I demonstrated above that it's not), but this all seems rather ridiculous. Close-minded Republicans and close-minded Democrats have A LOT in common, actually. For example, can't they all just talk about their Ann Taylor Loft outfits? Or maybe wax poetic about their cats or something? Compare BlackBerrys? See! There are tons of things to kibbitz about. where does all this leave me? Let's just say I'm really glad I don't have any qualms about boozing solo. Just kidding! I do have qualms about boozing solo. What I meant to say is it's a good thing my friends and I don't have any qualms about our sole common interest being booze! Alcoholism brings people together like no other -ism I know.


Hey, remember when I declared, "Close-minded Republicans and close-minded Democrats have A LOT in common" and that they're really just "two sides of the same ballot"? Well, I hope you remember that not only because that was just 2-5 paragraphs ago, but because a third party has reinforced my theory again! And this time, my buttress isn't just a fashion magazine, but actual, real-life science! Staunch Democrats and Republicans really are two sides of the same ballot! They both disguise their mutual superficiality and willful blindness to understand the "other team" with different views of morality! Thank you science! I owe you one! But seriously, this is a really interesting talk (found via Clusterfck).



Boomhauer said...

...Even now, some Republicans say the President's dismal poll numbers have clipped their social wings. "There's a lot of animosity," says one White House staffer. "You just want to go out with people who are like you, so you don't end up debating."

Apparently this douchenozzle didn't get the memo about being in the GOP in DC: "The first rule of the GOP in DC is that you'd don't talk about the GOP in DC". OMERTA MOTHERFUCKER! No wonder he's getting dickpunched so often.

Lemmonex said...

So not you point, I know, but I actually love how Kate Hudson looks in that photo.

Marissa said...


Just because someone is in the GOP does not mean he should be getting punched in the junk. We all know that is reserved only for people who dare order iced coffee at Murky.


No worries, I never really have a point. I don't *dislike* how Kate looks -- I think it's a rather striking editorial -- but I just can't help humming some Robert Palmer classics when I see it. Have you seen the Hathaway cover this month? She looks like a fabulous, crazy-coiffed alien.

Adam said...

Kibbitz. Excellent usage. My grandparents would be proud.

Anonymous said...

I, apparently, enjoy your rantings and your ravings, but how about some cliff notes for those of us that are in such a flurry they want to just look down, get a quick laugh and be on with it. I'm such a slow reader, catching up takes days.


Marissa said...


I do relate to the AARP generation surprisingly well.


Hmm...the blog title kind of sums it up. Insert a couple of truly offensive jokes, alienate a couple groups of people, make a few corny puns and you can pretty much write this blog at will.

Boomhauer said...

Just because someone is in the GOP does not mean he should be getting punched in the junk. We all know that is reserved only for people who dare order iced coffee at Murky.

Oh, I agree. If everyone who was in the GOP deserved a junkpunch, it would look like I'm carrying around a speedbag in my shorts.

But to admit to being a GOPer in DC is tantamount to sentencing one's self to a life of celibacy and permenant redicule. Got to hide those leanings in the attic of your mind, like Anne Frank.

Anonymous said...

Marissa - who knew!? You all ready gave me cliff notes. I'm glad this nyquil is kicking in. I need to rest.


Cyndy said...

Wow, does this mean I'm a hipster too? It sounds like W (the magazine) might think so!

By the way, there is a fundraising cabaret-concert at the Atlas Theatre on H Street this coming Saturday for the Obama campaign which features noted singer Steve Washington and the Doug Elliott Orchestra (a 7 piece jazz band). Tickets are only $35 and there are plenty of cool places to go on H street after the concert. Please visit for more information.

nate said...

"You just want to go out with people who are like you, so you don't end up debating."

Really? Bitch.

Anyway, I would like to think that I at least still use hipster in it's proper derogatory context - art school kids, jackasses that wear scullies when it's 95 degrees outside, bartenders who purposely gel their hair to go eight different directions, Germans...

Boomhauer said...

Hipsters look like a bastard combination of that skinny record store guy from "High Fidelity" and several of the pabst-swilling potbellied fatbeards who work at CityBikes.

Stevious said...

I got called a hipster the other day for growing a beard. Apparently in Edinburgh, hipster means 'ginger-faced vagrant'.

Marissa said...


Unless you're in Georgetown!


At least it's the Nyquil and not this blog putting you to sleep...


Of course you are! Especially if you're voting for Obama. Extra hipster points will be given if you get a job in his Administration. Joe Biden? Total hipster.


You're doing what you can. Although I must say I don't find hipsters outside of DC that annoying. In fact, I quite like Williamsburg, Brooklyn. And Greenpoint. And even certain rooftops in Bushwick. (The hipsters are being driven out of Williamsburg by the yuppies! Oh my! Yet they have still not made it to DC...)


I must say my first customer service experience at City Bikes was a total FAIL. However, when I found out the dude who (kind of) helped me possibly saved the life of a dude who got capped just minutes before I entered the store, I think I gotta give 'em a break. Plus, it is my local bike shop. I better love them!


Wait, so does that mean Groundskeeper Willie is a hipster?! I KNEW IT!

Matt said...

You shouln't even pretend to be surprised at the vindications, Melissa... You are teh kewlzerz, yo.

You know that.

Peter said...

I always thought the difference between DC conservatives and DC liberals was that DC liberals generally pioneered the cool parts of town to drink in, which then were taken over by the conservatives who infected it with their own brand of jagbaggery - at which point those parts of town became less cool. To me, it's all about the turf. And drinking.

Marissa said...


Oh wait. I meant Matt. Sorry for messing your name up like that. Spanks for the compliments, though.

MARissa. :)


Your first mistake is assuming there's any "cool" part of DC...

Just kidding...there's that one bar. You know, the one where you started that gay dance party. That was hott.

Matt said...


Sorry Marissa... it was a night of a coupla too many beers, last night.