Wednesday, September 10, 2008

shambles p.i.: the mysterious man belt edition

If you're an average-looking man in relatively good shape, you can become at least a somewhat attractive man by dressing well. (The same goes for women, as well, in my opinion.) That is, trade in your Dockers and mandals (or Ann Taylor Loft suit sets and Danskos, if you're a dishabille dame) for a nice pair of slim-cut pants and respectable footwear. I'm not saying you all need to dress like Lil' Lord Doucheington (or Lil' Lady of Toolshire?) to be attractive...wait...scratch that. The real Lil' Lord Doucheington and the mythical Lil' Lady of Toolshire probably aren't the best style icons. But what I'm saying is simple: You don't have to be a gay to pay attention to fashion on a runway.

It's true, if you dress like a tool, chances are you will be viewed as a tool and that is sh*t ain't tight...wait...scratch that. In DC, apparently tools are the bee's knees to at least 75 percent of the population, a statistic I just made up after several seconds of thoughtless analysis. However, that still leaves one-quarter of DC's residents having to look at you. Don't be cruel.

The reason I bring this all up is because 1) I'm extremely superficial and 2) a reader Shambles P.I.'d the following last week:

Let's be honest, that ass ain't bad. In fact, this man's ass appears to be top notch. I don't detect any hint of love handles at all! And although I have no information on the status of this guy's face, for the purposes of this post let's assume he's a not hideous. Hell, let's pretend he's Senator Norm F*cking Coleman of Minnesota, the sexiest member of Congress. (Hubba hubba, dontcha know!)

Oh man, I'm losing it. However, taking a quick gander at this guy's shirt and pants, I might even say that, although his ensemble is quite boring, it doesn't necessarily detract from his attractiveness, or at least his ass's attractiveness. Both items at least fit him, which is a far cry from several hundred DC tools I see in oversized polyester suits every day.

But given all that (and by referring to a man's clothes fitting him properly as "all that," I clearly just revealed how low my standards have sunk), this guy still manages to f*ck everything up. In the words of the reader, a man, who sent me this photo: "I just don't get the belt..."

And neither do I. I get the first belt. I like belts. Belts add a finishing touch to an outfit. But what the hell is with the second, canvas belt? It looks like it could be one of those pointless travel belts. Since I stared at this man's butt cheeks for several seconds minutes and didn't detect the outline of a wallet, I think I might -- unfortunately but not surprisingly -- be on the right track with the fannypack redux theory. If so, that's f*cking dumb.

But even more dumb is that despite the possible pouch, this man is definitely sporting the all-too-common cell-phone belt pack. Way to f*ck up your first, perfectly fine belt, sir. Clearly, this man is a mega tool. His poor ass.

But whaddya say, if Sarah Palin can "pray away the gay," can we "woosh away the douche" or "school away the tool?" I will run for political office if I have to.


Peter said...

Can we um, fracas away the jackass?

Elle Gee said...

I see a wallet; you don't? I'm befuddled.

N said...

Based on this belt alone, what's not to love about DC. I challenge you to find another city that provides this much comedy.