Thursday, December 18, 2008

the anti dc rules for tight gift-giving

As evidenced by my post yesterday in which I channeled A Nightmare Before Christmas's Jack Skellington and revealed that the first gift I received of the season was a rape whistle from my aunt and uncle, I am clearly in the holiday spirit over here. As such, I think it's only fitting that I try something new. That is, instead of complaining about stupid gifts (i.e., not rape whistles), I will try to advise on some Anti DC-approved gifts that will not only delight the recipient, but make your sh*t look tighter by setting up a few easy-to-follow guidelines. It's a win-win, really.

Rule 1. Give something useful.

There's nothing worse than a receiving a gift the receiver has absolutely no use for. For instance, if someone doesn't have a television with more than four channels and will lose even those channels in a month because he or she is too poor resourceful to shell out for cable, do not get that person some sort of Tivo device. That's just stupid.

In its place, may I suggest a gun rack? Even if there are no guns in the house, having a gun rack on your wall still looks bad ass and you can always tell people that the gun is not on said rack because you prefer to keep it close to your heart under your bed, or, better yet, easily accessible to children attached to the side of your bed. Meet "The Back Up." It's the rape whistle of bedside gun racks.

Rule 2. Give something awesome.

The Back Up is pretty useful, but it's not as awesome as, say, the Fish Pen. It may look like an ordinary pen, but watch it transform! And of course it fits in your briefcase! Because everyone knows that when you have a job that requires a briefcase, you probably definitely have time to make your way to a decent body of water on your lunch hour (which you may or may not even get, depending on how fancy of a briefcase you own) to catch a meal of food.

And although, I must say, while the Fish Pen may be convenient, the detachable reel and all the tackle and worms that you'll probably need to, you know, fish with it, pretty much negates the marketing message. You can't put worms in your pocket! However, how awesome would it be to feel like you could go fishing anytime, anywhere? Better yet, combine the fish pen with the Hawaii Chair and fish for goldfish in your office while getting a "workout" or, at the very least, while looking like an asshole. That's pretty awesome.

Rule 3. Give something meaningful.

There's nothing better than giving gifts that show you actually care. Like, when your relatives give you a rape whistle to ensure your safety when you travel to foreign lands like Nicaragua (Dec. 30-Jan. 7!), where not only rapin', but muggin', kidnappin' and gettin' framed for murder are all other tangible dangers. But thanks to my family, I'll whistle my way out of all those dangers. They clearly care.

But rape whistles aren't the only meaningful gifts people can give to each other (I know! This news surprised me too!); people can also give the Facial Flex. Nothing says you care more than giving a gift that says, "You need to start working out. Your face." Without words, you can say, "Your face is so meaningful to me, I can't possibly bear to let you go on without tightening up those jowls of yours." You care.

May I also suggest giving someone the Easy Toothbrush. It shows you care about that person's dental hygiene, while noting that you also care about his or her safety. Your regular old Oral B may look benign, but watch out! Apparently, you could hurt yourself. If you're an idiot. But the ability to not harm yourself through the use of a tool that kids as young as probably three use safely aside, giving the Easy Toothbrush shows you care so much that you're willing to seek out a toothbrush with a built-in equivalent to a rape whistle for your loved one. It's like saying, "Your Oral B will never hurt you again! Not on my watch! Moron."

'Tis the season! May all your (tight gifting) dreams come true! Like this one! It's a major award!


Skywalker said...

A rape whistle???

LiLu said...

Rule #1 OR 3 usually means you've got a keeper. :-)

Pearl said...

Not about today's post, but I just gotta say that the Master and Margarita is one of my favorite books -- ever.
Heart of a Dog was good, too, but have not read -- oooh, what was his other??? White Guard? Something like that...


Marissa said...


Yes, well an all-purpose emergency whistle, really. I've always thought of it as a rape whistle, however.


All three rules and you have The One. Or your family...


I'm with you! It is the greatest book EVER!