Friday, December 19, 2008

when is 2009 coming?

Today is a glorious day, e-friends. Not only is this the last day I have to slave away at my day job until Jan. 8, but it's also the day of my office's holiday Christmas potluck, which means I can look forward to feeling sick to my stomach by 5 p.m. because I'll be eating everything from collard greens featuring something called a "ham hock" to Polish sausage (and no, that is not a euphemism to anything but smoked meat, which is also not a euphemism). But even more than just the motley menagerie of foods to make me feel ill, will be the dish I've been selected to cook -- shchi, which is a traditional Russian cabbage soup.

Now for those of you unaware, the kitchen and I haven't quite figured one another out. Most of the time I just crack a can of beans and heat them up using a fire I set in a garbage can in my living room. Strangely, when I suggested that idea to my coworkers, they didn't have the reaction I expected. Instead of licking their lips in anticipation of some delicious canned beans, they asked me why I live like a homeless person, despite the fact that I have a home.

This afternoon they will find out when they taste this hot mess of shchi-t that I made. It's not that good. More than that, however, making this stupid soup scarred me, literally, as I burnt my effing mouth trying to taste it using the large metal spoon that had been boiling along with the soup for an hour. I'm smart. And to reward such genius, giant lip burns look strikingly similar to giant lip herpes. Oh, and since I was also lucky enough to be holding a glass in my hand, I dropped that as I burned through several layers of precious skin and will probably cut my foot, get tetanus and have to amputate that off later. Yay.

Anygnarliness, this has been one hell of a week not just for me in the kitchen, but for all of us on the Web. Not only have we all watched President Bush dodge shoes in a Matrix-like manner over and over again, but we've taken the time to learn how to count to five in Swahili. Or at least I have, not least of which is because it's time for this week's edition of Web Regurgitation, where I save you from myself, or at least my e-self and all of its sick and twisted narcissitic tendencies. Instead, allow me to count in another language and possibly make you privy to some of the sick and twisted narcissistic tendencies brilliance of others!

Moja! Speaking of the Matrix, let's talk about Keanu Reeves (a subject that, for some reason, has come up strangely often on this blog). In light of some inevitably sh*tty new movie coming out starting one Mr. Reeves, New York magazine put together a slideshow of Reeves' facial expressions. While this may sound ironic, considering he really only has one and the rest are really highly technical special effects, NY mag discovered 29, ranging from "Baseline Keanu-ness," which ranks at a 1 on the Kean-U-Meter, to "Infernal Rage," which clocks in at a 9. I'm at about a 4.5 right now. I'm breathing.

Wili! Despite this little somethin'-somethin', I really had a hard time keeping my e-sights on DC sites this week. Which is why, once again, I'll be turning my e-back on this place once again to point out tight sh*t that originated on servers elsewhere in the world. Um, jello shot recipe blog, anyone? Much safer than soup...

Tatu! I think I've made clear my love of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, however, I don't think I've emphasized my love of Flight of the Conchords quite so flagrantly. Well, what better time to reveal my not-so-secret love for yet another television show I can only watch on the Internet than now? Check out the first episode of Season 2 here!

Nne! I am truly sad about this. I can't believe it! They've hangered my baby!

Tano! But I hate to end on a sad note, so allow Santa's Gmail to cheer you up. For the most epic of Christmas-y lulz, I beseech you to read Santa's Gchat, Rudolph's and Jesus's Gstatus messages and what you can from the emails sent to Santa from Frosty the Snowman, Macy's Customer Service and, of course,

Have a good weekend!


For anyone else shambley enough to pull off a feat like burning your mouth, I want to report that Carmex works wonders. Not only did it numb the pain, but it de-swelled the situation. Now it just looks like windburned or really badly chapped lips, opposed to, you know, lip herpes. Phew.



Skywalker said...

Ham Hock...chicka is salted meat which to the average nothern yankee - is extreme bacon. Don't eat it unless you can consume copious amounts of pork.

I roll my eyes at you burning beans no soup...why didn't you buy cookies??? The image of a fire in your living room was graphic to the point that "I am not eating your food"...I say it with love but no - don't offer.

I'm at a 2 on the Keanu radar. Baseline and emotionless. Plus I had to sit through his most recent attempt of acting. I don't get his appeal.

Have a good holiday and stay away from your beans and the ham hock

LiLu said...

Charlie: So, what's your bean situation?

Marissa said...


Amazingly, NO ONE is surprised at the shenanigans surrounding my soup a la shambles escapade. Hmph.


Sunny really applies to absolutely everything. Amazing.

jheisel said...

For some reason, I watched this ( tonight.

It's not as good as the cast would make you hope.

maryjanejeff said...

Let us know how well the soup went over. I'm always looking for new food to try.

Marissa said...


Interesting. I've never seen it. Although I've never seen Indiana Jones, so that should hardly come as a surprise.


The soup turned out surprisingly well! I made it again for my mom and I (in a much smaller batch) on Christmas and it was even better. The second time was without the meat, so maybe it's better vegetarian.