However, according to WTOP, this method of selective law-abiding is getting increasingly harder to succeed at in this sick bitch of a town. And no clearer have I learned the truthiness in that than the other day when I received an E-mail from Zipcar informing me that the person (or foot, rather) regulating the gas pedal at 5:08 p.m. on Nov. 1 in a sh*tty little Scion with license plate number CU0877 was apparently doing 41 in a 30 mph zone at the 5400 block of 16th Street.
DAMN YOU, PICKLES!
Although, really, I can't blame my own foot. It's not conducive to my policy of blaming solely others for my own problems. So, since my foot is technically part of me, Mr. Pickles is not to blame. Instead I blame this city and its
DAMN YOU, TECHNOLOGY!
See? That's more like it. It's not me. (It never is.) It's goddamn technology, which, aside from costing me $50, is actually pretty amazing. It somehow got the image of this sh*tty Scion thrice times over, including a close-up of the goddamn license plate. If only it caught me sporting my Michael Jackson hat, which I was wearing from the night before when I went to Baltimore for Halloween.
Or did it?! Was I the unwitting victim of racism? Was I mistaken for a black man (because that clearly happens a lot) and ticketed solely because of my skin color? Did I look so much like Michael Jackson in that sh*tty Scion that I was singled out for this ticket for Driving While Black? Or, you know, Driving While White Dressed Up Like a Black Man Who's Possibly Paler Than Me? This is some goddamn injustice, I say!
Or maybe I was just speeding. Because quite honestly, despite my best efforts, I really looked nothing like Michael Jackson. In fact, save for the hat, the rest of the costume was shoved in my overnight bag and instead I was dressed like my normal self (i.e., an asshole). So if anything is unscrupulous here, I was ticketed for Driving While Dressed Like An Asshole in that hat, a flannel, tight white pants and Topsiders.
Hmm...is it strange that I occasionally can't remember what year it is -- yesterday I dated a check for "2009" -- but I never forget an outfit? Yes. Yes it is, which means I guess I really was ticketed for being an idiot -- an idiot criminal.
Sh*t. Well, I'll be damned. Look at that. This blog post just officially completed a (really offensive) circle, or more likely proved that my life (both on-the-road and on-the-Web) is officially in a downward spiral. While I came back to the phrase "idiot criminal," I accidentally proved that I am one, instead of not being one. That's just perfect. But not as perfect as this!
When the going gets