Tuesday, December 9, 2008

i like the color orange, but...

Holy hell! Where the devil did I just vanish to for a week?! It's as if I was stuck in a silly little elf Matrix land dancing the Charleston with a little elfin Keanu Reeves and that poor dog he drop kicked in Point Break (fast forward to 5:07 in that last link for the puppy-kicking retardulousness).

Was it all just a wonderful dream, if, of course, by "wonderful dream," I mean "horrific nightmare"? Seriously, I'd sooner have Patrick Swayze in a Ronald Reagan mask hurling a pitbull at me (which I would decidedly not dropkick) than be caught dead in those horribly ugly Matrix sunglasses... Suffice it to say, I am extremely relieved to be back to reality. Seriously, elfin Keanu Reeves' virtual reality is not all it's cracked up to be. And, of course, by "elfin Keanu Reeves' virtual reality," I really mean "prison."

Just kidding!

I wasn't really in prison. I was just stranded in the wilderness (in my mind) and, unfortunately, I couldn't get back until one of the bears I was living amongst (in my mind) learned how to ride a moped so he could drive me back to civilization. I tried to get him to don a Ronald Reagan mask and rob a bank with me (I'd be wearing the Nixon mask, clearly), but apparently that son of a bitch had some toilet paper to pedal. Whatever. Sellout.

Anyway, so here I am. Here you are. Here we are e-together again. Unfortunately, since I've been rotting in prison some mysterious woods somewhere (in my mind) with magical cartoon bears who can drive, I haven't gained much DC-related fodder to mock. So instead, I'll turn to the one mock-worthy subject that always provides me topics to e-kibbitz about -- myself.

But, oh sh*t! I can't even mock myself right now because, clearly, anyone who spends a week avoiding any contact with civilization in favor of hanging out with imaginary bears can't bear any more ridicule. (But she can still make cringe-worthy puns!).

So in place of my go-to Plan B, we're moving on to Plan C -- questionable eBay items. Or, in this case, one questionable eBay item:

Now, this questionable eBay item isn't questionable solely because it's the most retarded-looking mascot of all time (Seriously, what is it? A fluorescent orange ant? Please see this, in comparison, to realize many-a-mascot dream.); it's questionable because of how the seller titled it: "New adult size orange sex Mascot Costume Christmas Free."

First brought to my attention by one Mr. Socrates Johnson, we wondered immediately why the word "sex" was included in this item's description. I mean, this little ensemble screams "sex" just about as much as a traffic cone. Actually, I take that back. A traffic cone is much sexier.

Damn, that is a fine scarf. But that orange bug-like thing above? It doesn't have a scarf! It doesn't have mysterious sunglasses; or a cigar for effect; it's not even French (Jean-Claude the sexy traffic cone posing above clearly parle le français). So how is that oversized fluorescent orange entomological mascot an oversized fluorescent orange entomological sex mascot?

Much like the enigmatic activity that occurred (in my mind) this past week (with all of its Keanus, dropkicked dogs, dead president masks, moped-riding bears, toilet paper endorsements, stint in the state pen, and general shambles), perhaps it will never make sense. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a tear to tattoo under my eye. Oh, and this NSFW, but surprisingly safe for network television, item to forward around my office:

See? The world can't be that horrible of a place if a major network is allowing the boys from The Lonely Island to take total control of Saturday Night Live! Or at least take total control of two minutes and 40 seconds of it. Hey, it's a start.


Lemmonex said...

Is it wrong I have watched this video about 15 times. And every single time I laugh like a 13 year old boy? I sure hope not.

Alice in Blunderland said...

It's Nemo the clownfish from Finding Nemo.

But yes, the inclusion of the word "sex" in the description is kind of fishy.


Skywalker said...

Its about darn time you came out of hiding - I thought you were on the run from the coppers.

LiLu said...

It's definitely the power of the trio of scarf, shades, AND cigar that gives the traffic cone his uber sex-appeal. I mean, who can resist his pointy top? It's like your very own orange cone-head, without Dan Akroyd cracking one-liners the whole time!

I-66 said...

This reminds me of something.

The other day I was standing in the elevator. It was probably 4 o'clock or maybe a little later. This hot girl walked in and said hello and stood in front of me, and I

...jizzed, in, my pants...

Marissa said...


I'm with you. Rest assured, nothing that funny is ever wrong.


Well, I'll be damned! I think you're right! But a fish with legs? So maybe he had sex with a bi-ped? That would explain the description...

Finally, NICE PUN!


I finally posted bail.


It's the aviators. Jean-Claude the Sexy Traffic Cone is also a French fighter pilot. The sexy never ends with this cone.


Please don't eat any grapes...

FoggyDew said...

And I only suggest this because of a CSI episode, perhaps the seller was one of those "fury" people. Ya know, the ones who get off doing the whole animal costume sex thing? I'm guessing a fish might be pretty unique among all the racoons and cats and other woodland creatures.

Marissa said...

Was it CSI Miami??? Because I would LOVE to hear what kind of one-liner Caruso would throw at that one...

I bet it would be something like, "I guess this dog-man rolled over for the very last time."


I-66 said...

The furry episode was Vegas. It's the one where the guy in the costume got shot because the dude in the nearby house thought he was a coyote.

JON said...

Congrats on the upcoming W-tonian profile!

Marissa said...


I respect you more for remembering CSI episodes in such detail.


Word travels fast on the Web...dang!