Tuesday, May 26, 2009

maybe in another dimension...

As a reward (or punishment, depending on how much you hate my face), I have a special treat for you today for not forgetting about me during my 6-day hiatus: A VLOG!

Actually, it's sort of the anti-vlog. (I'm good at being anti-stuff.)

See, over the weekend I received an email from a reader (who's not related to me!), who asked, "Marissa. I like your writing a lot. Funny stuff. Wondering if you've ever done stand-up or even a any vlogging or anything. You should try it!"

Well, reader, thanks for the compliments and your belief that I'm articulate enough to speak in full sentences. Unfortunately however, I don't think I'm suited to do anything oral [insert dirty joke here]. See, although I give off the image of being a legitimate moron, I'm smart enough to know what I'm good at and talking out loud isn't one of them.

That was my first thought, anyway. And then I forgot about that email entirely while I whittled away my weekend whittling. What? I'm good with a whittle [insert another dirty joke here].

But then yesterday I rethought. I noticed I had been talking to myself. Or my whittle. Whichever. And what I was saying wasn't in gibberish, but in English. So I thought, "Hmm. Maybe I could be a video blogger!" After all, having never tried it, how could I possibly know I'd automatically suck at it?

And so I made a vlog.

And upon rewatching the footage, I learned never to doubt my first instincts ever again.

But despite its all-around sh*tiness, I've decided not let this well-intentioned, rather retardulous effort go to waste. Nope, instead I've decided to make it into a permanent reminder to myself that I should stick to writing.

So without further ado, allow me to present to you, my first and probably last vlog appropriately titled, "Why The Anti DC Will Never Be A Vlog."

And if you can get through the whole thing without punching your computer screen where my face is floating around, then I commend you. You are my true e-friend. Either that, or you like torture and your name is Dick Cheney* and/or you're just a dick.



Wow. I'll never get a fulltime job again. Meh.

My lifelong hobo pass aside, however, I promise I'll get back to what I'm good at (or less bad at) tomorrow. (And I don't just mean whittling!) Now, if you don't mind I have to go record myself watching The View. It's awkward because even I don't know if I'm kidding at this point! Although if that actually does happen, I've made the mental note to shoot from a different angle. Gratuitous up-the-nose shots aren't necessarily flattering. I will also brush my hair. Maybe.

But before I go, I must also share with you the shambles I spotted at Club Monaco in Georgetown this weekend. Behold...


And no, that's not an optical illusion. That, indeed, is a scrunchie. And not just any scrunchie, but a $9 scrunchie. Notice how carefully I'm touching it (I Purelled that whole arm after this encounter). Scrunchies are to me what holy water is to the devil. It burns.

On the other hand, this did provide a new insulting simile to insert into my lexicon -- "glass of $9 scrunchies." As in, Washington, DC, is a like a glass of $9 scrunchies. I will never understand it, yet someone must be buying...someone blind and ignorant, that is.

Wow. Suddenly, spending three minutes staring up my nose and watching me serenade legumes wasn't so bad now, is it!?

*Whoops! Amid trying to spot my boogers and trying to fathom who is actually going to buy a $9 scrunchie, I almost forgot about the asterisk I slapped on the end of Dick Cheney's name. But thankfully I remember my extra Cheney tidbit -- my Dickbit, if you will -- now: My friend almost got ran over by Cheney in the Salt Lake City airport on Friday. He was riding in the back of one of those airport senior-mobiles. Apparently, Dick "The New Old Man White Oprah" Cheney flies commercial now. Who knew!? I bet going from flying private to commercial is like a glass of $9 scrunchies.

26 comments:

maya said...

i miss you.

Ben (The Tiger) said...

Slowly going insane, eh?

JON said...

That was great! Encore....

Anonymous Alcoholic said...

your eyes are soooo big!

Erin said...

Bomlete = yes.

Patrick B said...

OMG MORE!

Anonymous said...

You are hilarious!!! Encore...

Freewheel said...

That was great! You could use a better backdrop, though. Maybe you could v-log while at a Nationals game. No one would be there to interfere.

Mr. Condescending said...

that was good!!! and your eyes are perty!

Marissa said...

maya--I miss you and I missed your birthday! Have fun in Moscow. I'm JEALOUS.

ben--Slowly is an understatement.

jon--I'm gonna assume that was sarcastic. :)

aa--That's why it's so easy for me to spot the shambles. Like $9 scrunchies.

erin--Indeed, although I prefer the spelling Bomblette.

patrick--I'm half-serious about vlogging The View. All those bitches are wack.

anon--Thanks. Although the only hilarious thing about this video is that I'm only wearing pants in half of it. Not joking.

freewheel--What?! The map is the best part!

mr. condescending--Ahhh shucks. Thanks!

Scotus said...

1) I don't think you need a haircut.

2) Stop touching me. Or at least buy me dinner first.

3) That was AWESOME! Don't you dare let it be your one and only vlog. ("Vlog." Seriously, who at Internet HQ comes up with these terms?)

Ben (The Tiger) said...

Love the map. Who's anti-globalist, anyway?

Actually, I'll be quite disappointed if there isn't a sequel to this.

Cyndy said...

You should definitely film yourself watching The View. It would be just like Mystery Science Theater!

Marissa said...

scotus--I really do need a trim. I may or may not stop touching you. And judging from the unexpected feedback that doesn't involve the phrase "that sucked," I may just make this a semi-regular feature.

ben--Hmm...daytime TV may need a vlogging critic...

cyndy--OK. I think I have to do it considering the unexpected feedback...Hot Topics has no idea about the proverbial junk punch I've got ready.

Anonymous said...

"I had some lunch...that was not as good as I wanted it to be. Honestly"

This was my favorite part.

You could also shoot "on location" at the many places you rant about throughout DC.

-Brian

maya said...

you didn't miss my birthday, you sent me the Artist I've Been Waiting For, remember?

and speaking of The View, you should check out Auto-Tune the News #3...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCCuOrRzoSc&feature=channel_page

nate said...

Brilliant.

Just. Simply. Brilliant.


Just one thing, though. Isn't the Mid-West pretty much the official scrunchy sanctuary? I'm surprised you don't have them by the handful.

Marissa said...

brian--The sad part is that is completely true. I really did run out of jelly.

maya--Oh hot damn! Of course I did! Vitas...

Re: the video clip. Classic! Thanks!

nate--Thanks for the first scrunchie comment. But come on. Just cause I'm from the flyover country doesn't mean I don't have taste. Although I can see the correlation, sadly.

LiLu said...

During the Presidential race, I was one of the few who never threatened to move to Canada if this or that happened.

But if scrunchies make a comeback, I TOTALLY AM.

JON said...

How about an outdoor vlog, saaaay in Dupont Circle or thereabouts with commentary on the Shambles in Action?

Marissa said...

lilu--Thanks for the back-up on the scrunchie. I'm surprised this has not garnered more ire.

jon--Hmm...That's not a bad idea. I'll take it to the streets!

Daniel said...

Was that haircut comment a Biz Markie reference? Great vlog, it's the first one I've ever sat through! If you wore an atrocious scrunchwad, you could delay a haircut even longer and just tuck all your hair up. Then it could be like, "The Scrunchie: The Hobo Haircut."

Anonymous said...

1.) "John's" idea is MINE!

2.) How was the peanut butter and beans sandwich (Is it wrong to assume you substituted beans for jelly?)

-brian

Marissa said...

daniel--The Hobo Haircut. I like that! Unfortunately, no, my haircut talk wasn't a reference to anything but my own retardedness.

brian--Hmm...PB and B? I like the idea...

Anonymous said...

@ Anonymous Alcoholic

I'm surprised too.I mean, she has huge eyes but still is so f*ing blind.

Marissa said...

OK, I may be a bit near-sighted but, jeez, I'm not blind. At least not legally so. If, however, you meant that in some metaphorical meaning, please do explain more. While I'm not blind, I am a little stupid.