As dusted off my Internet machine today to map some sex offenders (I like to know my neighbors), I decided to check out today's local headlines. Most of them bored me, as important news usually does, but one string of boldface words caught my eye: Revised Budget Adopted In D.C.!
But why? Revised budget sounds boring. And it is, until you read a little further: The D.C. Council approved a $5.4 billion budget yesterday that cuts hundreds of city jobs and aims to raise millions in new revenue by issuing more than 200,000 additional parking tickets in the next fiscal year.
I had to read it twice: The D.C. Council approved a $5.4 billion budget yesterday that cuts hundreds of city jobs and aims to raise millions in new revenue by issuing more than 200,000 additional parking tickets in the next fiscal year.
Really? Something about raising money by simply issuing more parking tickets doesn't make sense to me.
First of all, it seems to indicate that DC's metermaids aren't adequately doing their jobs now. This probably shouldn't come as a surprise since DC is all sorts of f*cked up. Plus, judging from the standard set by Marion Berry, it doesn't seem so unsafe to assume DC's metermaids aren't doing their jobs too well. I don't get it, though. You see a car parked illegally, you give it a ticket. It's not rocket science. Or even gay marriage. I mean, there's a parking sign. It lists times. (Now, stay with me.) There are also things called clocks, cell phones and calculator watches, which indicate the time. If your clock, cell phone or calculator watch reads 4:15 p.m. and the parking sign says parking is prohibited after 4 p.m., then a ticket should be issued, no? It seems rather simple to me, and I'm functionally retarded and possibly drunk!
Of course, I suppose DC's metermaids could be exceptionally retarded and definitely drunk, which could explain this new decree, but considering the very first time I ventured into DC to interview for the job for which e-rants like this would eventually get me fired, my rental car got ticketed for a parking violation, I can't possibly stand by any assumption that would suggest any given DC metermaid is either more retarded or drunker than myself. He or she clearly did his or her job. So what's the deal, Washington Post?
The city will equip 12 street sweepers with cameras to photograph the license plates of vehicles that are not moved for routine street cleanings, and violators will be mailed $40 tickets. According to budget documents, the city estimates the 'sweeper cams' will generate about 237,500 tickets and about $7.1 million in the fiscal year that starts Oct. 1.
Ahh! So that's the secret! Polaroid technology! Which I've also been had by last year venturing back from a Taxlo Halloween party dressed as Michael Jackson.
Hmm...maybe this plan isn't so stupid after all. What dare you do next City Council???
[Ward 1 Councilman and dandy Jim] Graham also blocked [Mayor Adrian] Fenty from eliminating 65 parking control positions, about half of which are unfilled. The additional officers will enable the city to expand enforcement in residential parking zones.
"Graham, who noted that 70 percent of citations are issued to nonresidents, said the stepped-up enforcement will result in an additional $12 million for the city."
LOL! This plan is brilliant! No longer am I responsible for paying for the upkeep of the city in which I choose to reside, but tourists are! Suckers!
Lon Anderson, spokesman for AAA Mid-Atlantic, said the council action will solidify the District's reputation as the "most motorist-unfriendly city in the country."
"They make so much money off traffic enforcement . . . red light camera program, speed cameras, now these street sweeper cameras," Anderson said. "They never found a motorist whose pockets they were not willing to pick for revenue."
You know what? I'm no longer skeptical. This might be the best plan ever. Not only will it hopefully raise much-needed funds to wipe the proverbial sh*t off the ass that is this city, but (or butt, perhaps) it will hopefully simultaneously deter cars and ergo people from coming into town! That's less cars to hit me when my bicycle decides to randomly fail, and less people to watch me as I embarrassingly tumble to the ground! If that's not a win-win, then it's at least a draw-draw because chances are with the karma I've built up over the years, any time I dare decide to operate an automobile, I will probably be ticketed. Or somehow manage to run myself and my bike over. Meh.
It's a small price to pay if it means solving some of the fundamental problems that face this city.
The council restored funding for the Office on Aging and the Office of Asian and Pacific Islander Affairs, agencies that Fenty sought to eliminate.
Wait. What? The money is going to go to the Office of Aging and the Office of Asian and Pacific Islander Affairs? Really? Really?! All's I know then is I better see more bingo and decent Chinese restaurants around town come Oct. 1.
F*ck this place.