Tuesday, June 9, 2009

where there's no smoke, there's an obnoxious fire alarm

I was going to write something brilliant today, I swear. But then at 4 a.m. -- right when my helper horse Sven and I are in our deepest bean comas -- my janky building's janky fire alarm started going off.

Of course me, being a person who has no desire to die in a raging inferno, popped out of bed, dressed Sven in his English saddle (he's classy) and readied to ride him down six flights of stairs like an ass in the Grand Canyon. But then the fire alarm went off.

"Phew. I guess the fire went out," I thought, which was good because I had forgotten to put on pants and everyone knows riding a horse without pants leads to major chafing.

So I settled back into my nest of packing peanuts to go back to bed. But just when I got comfortable in my box (I'm practicing for when I actually become homeless), the alarm started up again.

Then it stopped.

Then it started.

Then it stopped.

Then it started.

Then it stopped.

Repeat.

This went on until after seven in the morning. So, you'll have to excuse me, but my brain isn't up for any ironic sentence constructions. In fact, as u can c, I'm barely capable of righting a regluar sentance. Normally, I'd call in Sven for help, but he's too busy destroying all the fire alarms in the building. Safety first!

In the meantime, I invite you to take a look at what might be the greatest Web invention I've ever seen that was sent to me by a dutiful reader: http://mugshots.tampabay.com/

To quote said dutiful reader, "It's a constantly updated database of everyone who's been arrested in Tampa over the last 24 hours. Yes this sounds random, but if you check it out, you'll soon realize the genius-ness. You can sort by WEIGHT for christsake!"

Indeed, I've realized its genius-ness. Thank you.

By the way, I'll be leaving this urban sh*thole for the rest of the week to go to a rural sh*thole. But a sh*thole without faulty fire alarms where I plan to sleep for 72 hours, which means, I'll e-see you Monday.

Continuous yawn.

7 comments:

cuttingkeyboard said...

Ha! I haven't heard the word "janky" in years....LOL "Janky"....in other news...so sorry about the fire alarm. That does not make for a sunshine day.

lustyreader said...

thank you dutiful reader for the mug shot website, my self esteem is sky high after spending 20 minutes looking at them

also i saw the cup of $9 scrunches at Club Monaco in g-town this weekend, not only was it as ridic and hideous as you warned, but all the other glass jars were full of equally hideous bows, headbands, and chunky bracelets.

LiLu said...

I am off... and I AM sorting by weight. *snarf*

Ben (The Tiger) said...

Love the mugshots.

Interesting crime distribution...

Ben (The Tiger) said...

Whoa, there's a 5'5" 19 year old who weighs just over a hundred pound being booked for domestic violence!

Keep an eye on the innocent-looking ones...

Kat said...

That mugshots site is GENIUS.

I lived in a place that had constant fire alarms for no good goddamn reason - I feel your pain. The problem was usually that one of the other residents had put a pizza in the oven without removing it from the box, but they'd never tell us who'd done it so we could go visit some good old-fashioned justice on their asses. Bastards.

Sorry. Fire alarm memories apparently get me riled up. Get some sleep!

Raj said...

Sometmes fire alarms can also go wrong and give a wrong indication. So, a person must install an alternative fire safety equipment along with a basc fire alarm.