Thursday, June 18, 2009

the perfect day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Wait, aren't you supposed to be on hiatus for a week vacationing in some mystery locale far, far away from DC?"

Oh! Hi! Thanks for asking! And yes, indeed, that was the original plan! But as it turns out, DC is so sweet on me it refuses to let me go! Haha!

The day started swimmingly enough! I had already packed so I was able to enjoy a leisurely breakfast before heading off to Reagan National Airport! I love traveling by air these days because I like carrying tiny amounts of liquids and taking my shoes off for little to no scientific reason! Yay!

And that's when the day really got good!

First, when I tried to print my boarding pass at one of the several kiosks, the technology told me my credit card that I used to pay for the ticket wasn't enough information for it to print my pass! Whoops! So, after imputing several other pieces of information, including ticket number, confirmation number and where I was going, I finally reached the end screen, which turns out is kind of like the end of Donkey Kong! It just stops working! How ingenious!

So, I flagged the attendant over for help and she looked at me, scowled and yelled, "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU! GO TO THE LINE UPSTAIRS!" Yes, ma'am! ROFL!

So then I went upstairs, bruising my legs along the way with my luggage because the escalator wasn't working! And then when I finally reached the glorious mecca that is the Delta counter, I saw it already had a line stretched halfway down the mile-long corridor!

"Stupendous!" I thought to myself. "I love a good line!"

And, oh boy, was this a line! I got hit on by a 15-year-old boy! (He liked my hat.) I got my foot stepped on by an woman wearing stiletto heels! Ouchies! And then I got yelled at again when I asked for help, noting the time! Uh-oh! Thirty minutes till lift-off!

Finally, 15 minutes before my plane was scheduled to leave, the surly woman who apparently is Delta's only employee gave me my boarding pass! Victory! But not first without noting, "You shouldn't have checked in online! It screws up the system sometimes!" My bad!

But wowsers! Technology is really something, isn't it? Hooray!

So I ran to security where I became the lucky one to be asked, "We're going to need you to step aside, miss, while we run some explosives trace tests on your bags."

"But, good sir!" I said, "My plane is supposed to take off in 10 minutes!"

"That's not my problem."

Okee-dokee! And sure enough I guess it wasn't! Silly me, trying to make my flight. LOL!

Then I ran and ran and ran some more! And when I finally made it to the gate, my flight was no longer listed! Uh-oh, Spaghettio!

Lucky me, though! Turns out the flight was never even on the board because the arriving plane never landed! Wah-wah!

So I waited with the other cheery Delta passengers, who came up with some really fine things to say about Delta. "F*cking sh*t for brains airline!" ZOMG!

So we waited and waited and waited some more! Just like in Russia! And then I waited so long that I missed my connecting flight! Zoinks!

And so did everyone else! So, all 100 of us went to the Delta Service Counter and one-by-one we were helped by the solo employee! Boy, was she a firecracker!

Three hours later, I was rescheduled on another flight! But wouldn't you know! The arriving flight for that one also never landed! Double zoinks!

So I rejoined the lovely line with now 300 people in it and waited again to get rescheduled! And joy of joys, when the feisty gal rescheduled my flight some time later, she added a free extra layover! Not only would I get to now go to Boston (and spend the night on my own dime to boot!), but the next day, I would also get to visit Cincinnati and Minneapolis before landing in my final destination 12 hours later! Don't you just love free stuff?!?!

But that just sounded like way to much fun for my old bones to handle! So I decided instead to scrap it all and give DC on more night with me. Lucky!

But my bag must not have gotten the memo! Because it's stuck in Boston! All right!

In closing, F*CK YOU, DELTA. I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL.

And to U.S. Airways? You better not disappoint me tomorrow. Because I will cut you.

12 comments:

Matt said...

Yikes! I'll be surprised if you didn't blow your sarcasm gasket with this post!
Seriously though, what a raw deal... At least we, your ePals, got to read one more sublime post this week. That makes up for all that hassle, right? Our eEntertainment on your dime? Right?

Marissa said...

what are you talking about? The fun didn't end even when I made it home for the night! I stepped on a shard of broken glass! Sweet! I didn't have any antiseptic so I used rum! Double sweet!! Now my house smells how it probably looks -- like a hobo! The elusive triple sweet!!! And I probably have tetanus now. Or something. Great.

Ben (The Tiger) said...

You had to get your tetanus shots updated when you headed to Russia, no?

I guess your day was perfect the same way Renton's was.

JFo said...

Not that I'm saying you're unlucky in travel, but next time you're headed out of town you could issue a PSA with your airport and airline so people would know to avoid it.

isabel said...

OHHHHHH MY GOD. Delta is the WORST. Never. Again. They've screwed me over several times recently. I don't know what's up with them, but...

That is one of the worst flight nightmares I've ever heard. Good luck with US Air tomorrow!

Marissa said...

ben--

Sorta, except for the whole heroin overdose thing.

jfo--

Duly noted...

isabel--

Flying out of Baltimore was a dream. And US Air even got my luggage to the correct destination too! I love how that's actually a pleasant surprise now instead of what's to be expected...

Norman said...

Dear Lord.

I have to ask myself why I won't fly until the TSA is burning in hell . . . no, I don't.

Even though greyhound & amtrak stink to high heaven, I think they both could have had you in Laos by the time you cleared security at the airport.

<3 (not Coleman, damn the luck :()

Peter said...

A United employee once asked me for my ID after my flight was canceled. He broke it in half, clumsily tried to tape it back together with tape THAT HAD THE UNITED LOGO ALL OVER IT, gave it back to me, then ran away. Then, the night manager, in charge of United for the entire airport, a 18 year old dude, told me, when I complained "Whutchu want? I can't get ya another driver's license man." Totally gives Delta, who has also done totally fucked up shit to me, a run for its money.

Hmm... said...

You can't possibly imagine how happy I am when someone/something gives you a hard time.
Your welcome

Marissa said...

norman--

Greyhound to Laos? That probably would be more pleasurable than flying domestic...

peter--

Why does this story hardly surprise me?

hmm...--

Is that because you wish bad things upon people in general or because it results in a nifty blog post? I'll pretend it's the latter either way.

hmm... said...

Nope. Because I know you personally and therefore can legitimately say something about it.
Will shoot you an e-mail soon.

Marissa said...

hmm...--

What? Who could you be? I avoid human contact like it's my job. Otherwise sh*t like what I wrote about in this post happens to me. But now I'm curious...who could you be? Vladimir Putin? In my mind, we know each other personally.