Tuesday, June 2, 2009

i implore you to stop, media

A literate reader forwarded me an article from Rolling Stone the other day and, to my chagrin, it wasn't about Jonas Brothers. Instead, it was about all the ways DC has changed since Barack (we're on a first name basis now) moved to town.

Um, really? Again?

I feel like we've heard this before...or several times. And every single time, I come to the same conclusion: what a bunch of bullsh*t.

Newsflash: DC is STILL full of politico douchebag types. That's what this city was built on. And it's probably what this city will prattle on being until the world ends or the system collapses or my helper horse Sven gets sober.

So, needless to say--let alone type--I am upset with Rolling Stone for wasting valuable column inches on drivel like this:

Nary is a Jonas Brother even mentioned! Instead, it's all about how "Shaw" (which, by the way is not even really on the map) is totally the coolest neighborhood in DC now. This is a non-starter with me because, really, there are no cool neighborhoods in DC. There may be neighborhoods that are more tolerable than others, but just because you don't feel the need to stab yourself in the face all the time, doesn't mean it's cool.

My other major contention with these two pages is the Power Shift table, which looks at "what's in and out of the nation's capital." First of all, nothing is ever "in" in DC except for khakis and humidity. Secondly, how embarrassing is it that we traded in Jack Bauer for Oprah Winfrey as our cultural icon? While both can kill you, Bauer's methods of assassination are so much cooler than Oprah's. She wants to kill you slowly; Bauer wants to kill you quickly. And, apparently, to the soundtrack of Rammstein. And at least Bauer is fictional...

Now please, mainstream media, come up with some new material. Or at least get back to covering more important topics like what the Jonas Brothers are wearing.

Oh look! Ladies' jeans! I think I have that exact outfit being sported by that Jonas on the left. Sanjaya. Or whatever his name is...


Anonymous said...

DCist has been covering all the new "reality shows" soon to be filming in DC (Hosewives??)- Apparently Real World starts filming June 20th. Maybe Obama HAS made DC "cool"... then again now the whole world will see how uncool DC really is.


Patty Duke said...

Off Topic:


Yesterday while walking up 11th street, near Pennsylvania Ave., I saw a man about 60 years old wearing a pink tee shirt, red baseball cap and BOOTY SHORTS, butt cheeks showing and everything. This would have made my day, if his butt was even remotely appealing, but nooo. It was your average 60 year ass

Daniel said...

Not only is the whole tone of the article nausea inducing, but it doesn't even make sense. I mean, I know people who lived/hung out in the area well before Obama was elected. The whole article might as well be onomatopoeia of fart noises with a few pictures and a map.

Ben (The Tiger) said...

Oh, the press so hated the last eight years.

Let them have their fun.

Boomhauer said...

The only half decent place is HR-57 which is, happily, not full of douches. I think it's the lack of music hipsters can attempt to dance to lick Joe Cocker with a siezure problem.

And since when did the Jonas Brothers start dressing like Tokyo ladyboys?

Boomhauer said...

like Joe Cocker with a siezure problem.

Corrected. Not that licking Joe Cocker wouldn't be interesting

patrick b said...

let me tell you, I live in this Nu-Williamsburg-Post-Georgetown-Valhalla known as Shaw and honestly it's mostly old people and really quiet. It also is not 14th street or Ustreet. The Shaw metro stop isn't even on that map. Also I like how there is a major college campus with tons of "hip-hop hipsters" and that isn't even mentioned, in rolling fucking stone. There is so much wrong with this I can't even think straight. FUCK ALL MEDIA.
Except for The AntiDc of course.

Anonymous said...

Excellent post.
I find this blog endlessly amusing.

Marissa said...


I don't think The Real World has been cool since 1993. But then again, I also haven't been cool since 1993, so who knows...


HOLY. CRAP. I don't even know...I can't even imagine...


I'm wondering, what would be the written equivalent of a fart noise? Zhttt?


You'd think the blinders would be off by now though...


I'm kind of sad that you didn't mean "lick."


Yeah. I noticed that Shaw wasn't on the map at all. But then again, I doubt if anyone who writes for Rolling Stone spends any time in DC. Except for Matt Taibbi.


That might be the best comment I've ever seen on this blog. Thanks!