a funny thing happened on the way to cure cancer

Washington, DC, is filled with assholes. Don't believe me? Then you're probably one of them. The kind who makes hitting pedestrians a sport. The kind who considers date rape a legitimate form of wooing. The kind who drunk drives for fun. The kind who hates pancakes.

But delicious breakfast foodstuffs aside, DC is filled with the kind of asshole who gets his jockstrap in a bunch over the supposed disorganization of a charity race to cure cancer.

Apparently, the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure goes down this weekend. For those of you not in the cancer know, this is a charity event that invites individuals and groups to run or walk a 5k in order to raise money for breast cancer research. It's really a good cause and if I was able to run/walk for more than a few feet without running into a stationary object, I'd totally participate. But that would require me to be sober.

Anyway, the bottom line is this: the SGK race is not really a race. There's no glory in coming in first. There are no prizes for the winner, well, unless of course you're not a dick and knowing that you've done something to help cure a deadly disease is prize enough. Alas, however, DC is full of dicks, with the ability to run or walk, who refuse to participate because the race doesn't fit their high standards. Moreover, they're recruiting other would-be charity runners on DCist to also not participate.

NewHCE commented: "For all you runners out there, stay away from the Komen races. Worst run races ever. Even potentially dangerous. There are plenty of other charity races to run."

Thankful for the info, DrLRonHoover (I hope to God this man isn't a real doctor...) replied: "Thanks for that! I was actually considering running the race, but not now."

I guess the big problem has to do with something called "chip timing" and "a corral system." The SGK event doesn't offer either, ergo, making it not legit enough to not quit. Instead, all the SGK race offers is a chance to raise money for cancer victimes. And clearly, that's not good enough.

Boondoggle said: "With chip timing and a corral system, you can have a competitive race and help people. But without some way of encouraging the slower folks to start in the back, the promise of chip timing is just going to frustrate serious runners. And if those people get frustrated enough no to running [SIC] it next year, your [SIC] left no better off than if you just called it a fun run to begin with."

THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S NOT A RACE, JACKIE JOYNER, IT'S A CHARITY EVENT TO CURE CANCER.

Oh, and if those comments aren't enough to make you want to punch this city in its proverbial junk, then maybe this will goad you (that is, if you, yourself, aren't a cancer-loving asshole). Wah, say these naysayers on DCist, there's not even any free stuff to collect! Blasphemy!

NewHCE writes: "Lawyers Have Heart (Ed. Note: LOL!). That is a good race."

To which DrLRonHoover replies: "I have to say the course is a disappointment. Out the Whitehurst, then Canal and back again. It used to be more fun when it went through the sidestreets in Gtown. Still, it's one of my three to four races a year. Good atmosphere and freebies."

Because the thought of doing something to help others without the promise of a free tote bag made in China filled with crap you'll inevitably throw into a landfill within a couple of months is pointless...

Says Boondoggle: "Thanks for the advice. I'll run Lawyers Have Heart 10k instead."

I guess cancer can wait.

But what about the metaphorical butt cancer that is DC? Is there a race to cure that? Maybe I should organize a race. I already designed the free tote bag.


I'd sweat for that.