Wednesday, June 3, 2009

a funny thing happened on the way to cure cancer

Washington, DC, is filled with assholes. Don't believe me? Then you're probably one of them. The kind who makes hitting pedestrians a sport. The kind who considers date rape a legitimate form of wooing. The kind who drunk drives for fun. The kind who hates pancakes.

But delicious breakfast foodstuffs aside, DC is filled with the kind of asshole who gets his jockstrap in a bunch over the supposed disorganization of a charity race to cure cancer.

Apparently, the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure goes down this weekend. For those of you not in the cancer know, this is a charity event that invites individuals and groups to run or walk a 5k in order to raise money for breast cancer research. It's really a good cause and if I was able to run/walk for more than a few feet without running into a stationary object, I'd totally participate. But that would require me to be sober.

Anyway, the bottom line is this: the SGK race is not really a race. There's no glory in coming in first. There are no prizes for the winner, well, unless of course you're not a dick and knowing that you've done something to help cure a deadly disease is prize enough. Alas, however, DC is full of dicks, with the ability to run or walk, who refuse to participate because the race doesn't fit their high standards. Moreover, they're recruiting other would-be charity runners on DCist to also not participate.

NewHCE commented: "For all you runners out there, stay away from the Komen races. Worst run races ever. Even potentially dangerous. There are plenty of other charity races to run."

Thankful for the info, DrLRonHoover (I hope to God this man isn't a real doctor...) replied: "Thanks for that! I was actually considering running the race, but not now."

I guess the big problem has to do with something called "chip timing" and "a corral system." The SGK event doesn't offer either, ergo, making it not legit enough to not quit. Instead, all the SGK race offers is a chance to raise money for cancer victimes. And clearly, that's not good enough.

Boondoggle said: "With chip timing and a corral system, you can have a competitive race and help people. But without some way of encouraging the slower folks to start in the back, the promise of chip timing is just going to frustrate serious runners. And if those people get frustrated enough no to running [SIC] it next year, your [SIC] left no better off than if you just called it a fun run to begin with."


Oh, and if those comments aren't enough to make you want to punch this city in its proverbial junk, then maybe this will goad you (that is, if you, yourself, aren't a cancer-loving asshole). Wah, say these naysayers on DCist, there's not even any free stuff to collect! Blasphemy!

NewHCE writes: "Lawyers Have Heart (Ed. Note: LOL!). That is a good race."

To which DrLRonHoover replies: "I have to say the course is a disappointment. Out the Whitehurst, then Canal and back again. It used to be more fun when it went through the sidestreets in Gtown. Still, it's one of my three to four races a year. Good atmosphere and freebies."

Because the thought of doing something to help others without the promise of a free tote bag made in China filled with crap you'll inevitably throw into a landfill within a couple of months is pointless...

Says Boondoggle: "Thanks for the advice. I'll run Lawyers Have Heart 10k instead."

I guess cancer can wait.

But what about the metaphorical butt cancer that is DC? Is there a race to cure that? Maybe I should organize a race. I already designed the free tote bag.

I'd sweat for that.


Ben (The Tiger) said...

Not all of us can want to cure cancer...

Re drunk driving, though -- went on two dates a few weeks back with a woman who drunk drove back both times.

That was one of those "red flag" things... viz., "Think twice before making this person the mother of your future children..." (Yeah, there was a second date. I'm a man. She was hot. Judgment gets somewhat impaired by that.)

And yes: pancake-haters are un-American.

JFo said...

How come no one in that discussion pointed out that it's possible to just make a donation without running the "race", if the conditions bother them that much?
(note: I'm basing this completely on your post. Like I would take the time to needlessly fact check on DCist or the SGK website)

Ben (The Tiger) said...

If people were willing to donate w/o the "race", would there be a "race"?

Or is cancer simply the excuse to get out there and run?

LiLu said...

"The kind who considers date rape a legitimate form of wooing."

I knew that was going to be a link to LNS in some form before I even clicked.

And I would TOTALLY sweat for that bag. Though "The Herp Cure" has a nice ring to it too.

nate said...

Since when is "coercing" (thank you David Spade) a woman into intercourse considered rape? What happened to the good ole 50's?

And "Lawyers Have Heart"? Really? Having been a juvenile deliquent, a bartender in old town and divorced to top it all off, I can, with absolute conviction, say that that's simply false advertising. Not that I'm bitter or anything...

Marissa said...


Wow. I don't even know what to say about the drunk-driving we'll move onto the pancakes part. Agreed.


I think that's the problem. These people don't care about the cause, they just want a medal and a free tote bag, it seems.


We need to trade totes. You can have my MBC one if I can get one that says "Race for the Herp Cure."


They should rename it Lawyers Possess The Ability To Have Heart, Most However Choose Not To. That's got a better ring to it anyway.

Nora said...

I remember that race.

TPWP said...

I ran in the Komen Race, I'll agree that it was a little disorganized, the opening speeches took a little too long, there were people with strollers walking with the "runners", but I didn't care. Why would I? The course was beautiful, I was surrounded by inspiring survivors and sweet old men running with pictures of their wives whom they had lost to cancer taped to the backs of their shirts. I would do it a million times over. Cos sometimes, giving up a few things, like a perfectly timed and staggered race for a great cause and an amazing day is actually worth it.

You should join my team next year Marissa, one of us will help you stay in a straight line :)