dc fashion week -- a probably pretty accurate pre-review

Get ready, everyone, it's the most mediocre time of year again! That's right, it's time to pull your most fancy ill-fitting pants suit out of the closet and dust off your square-toe, box-heel shoes because it's DC Fashion Week! And this year the event is serving up just as many oxymorons as ever.

Before moving onto the "fashion," though, let's start with the sponsors. Move over, New York! Get out of the way, Paris! Suck on this, Milan! The only Fashion Week being sponsored by AARP this year is DC's!

No, really. AARP is a sponsor. Some of the others, who are equally as hip and fashion-forward, are über-hipster publication The Washington Times, an apartment complex in NE, and Roomorama, which Google tells me is some kind of Craigslist for finding short-term rentals. So yeah, New York, you can keep your sh*tty sponsors like Maybelline and Mercedes in your pocket! WE'RE DOING JUST FINE HERE! (For a city whose idea of haute couture is Brooks Brothers.)

And also, who needs the tents in Bryant Park when you have various embassies and the Doubletree Hotel (um, seriously) in Crystal City to host your events? In fact, since most of DC Fashion Week isn't even technically in DC, we should probably just change the name to World Fashion Week! TAKE THAT, EARTH!

But enough about the stale bread of this puke sandwich, let's take a look at the head cheese, Fluff® and rat droppings that make up the meat! Unfortunately, most DC Fashion Week designers are smart enough not to post their work on the Web (I imagine because it makes it a lot harder for assholes like me and legitimate fashion critics to critique), so short descriptions will have to suffice:

• Ukraine will once again grace us with its top tastemaker, Aleksey.
• Awkward acronym-lovers APOSOL (Aspiring People Overcoming Situations of Life) and Descai (Distinctive, Elegant, Style, Class, Attitude and Intrigue) will show their very sophisticated collections of sweatshirts and booty shorts.
  
• Compound noun makers Divanista (Diva + Fashionista, duh!) and Glamfurs will do whatever it is they do -- they could not be Googled.
  
• Alliteration specialist Glamorous Gowns by Glynn will show Glynn's glamorous gowns.
• Brazillian swimwear designer Carioca will show a lot of speedos with words on the crotch.
• Heydari will bring her best C-game (the "C" stands for "curtain") to DC.
• Leona Edmiston will come all the way from New Zealand to show her RTWTAT (Ready To Wear to Ann Taylor) collection.
  
• L-Shandi will bring all the things she's sewn from McCalls patterns to the runway.
• Chicos called Samira Atash. They want their designs back. However, what's good enough for Chicos is good enough for DC!
• Silva Designs will make their models look like clown hookers.
• And Victor Hou will make his models look like regular hookers.

But alas, not every designer of the week seems to have been inspired by some combination of Forever 21, Talbots and a basement full of taffeta scraps. Andrew Nowell, Konstantina Mittas, Liliya Poustovit and Knaf Couture all have a point of view that, while perhaps not totally my taste (although some of it is actually very nice), at least shows something interesting and new. I guess the bigger question for them is, why are they here?

An even bigger question, though, is where do you think the DCFW after party will go down? I'm guessing either the Pentagon City Mall or the Motel 6 in Alexandria. They'll leave the light on for you. Although you might want to turn it off if you're dressed in most of the clothes from Fashion Week...

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sit back and wait for my VIP invite to roll in.