Wouldn't it be convenient if criminals started telling the cops when and where they'd be committing crimes? I mean, really, you'd have no excuse to let even one mugging happen. It'd be all Minority Report up in this bitch but even better because instead of relying on Tom Cruise and a floating version of Microsoft Windows (seriously, really?), would-be criminals would just call up and basically ask to go to jail. What a brilliant world that would be, you know, with everyone in prison. (Like you've never been cited for jaywalking...)
All right, so maybe that's implausible. It's like asking the nerd to tape his own "Kick me" sign on the unreachable part of his back and then kick himself. We still need assholes to do that. And, likewise, we also still need other assholes to catch and punish those assholes. See, it's all a part of the delicately balanced Asshole Equilibrium that we've created for ourselves here in America. Being able to do what we want, when we want without taking into account how our actions might affect others is the backbone of our nation. Especially if our goal is to sell sh*t. Just look what that chalkboard lover Glenn Beck has done for dubious gold investments! Really, it's patriotism in action.
But capitalizing on fear is one thing. Some might even say that level of manipulation is a sign of immense talent. But what if you don't have those crying-on-cue skills? What if you don't have a chalkboard and a wild imagination? What if you objectively have no talent? I guess then you'd have to rely on even baser methods of earning your keep -- you'd have to steal. And if you're not ballsy enough just to go out and start heisting banks, the next best thing is stealing information, like the douches at the Georgetown Dish Beta blog did when they hijacked an e-list of other area bloggers' email addresses and started sending them their unsolicited newsletter each morning.
And here I thought my worst enemy was trying to seek revenge on me by signing me up to receive this wet fart of newsletters without my knowledge. But phew! That's probably not it, says TBD e-guru Jeff Sonderman, who told a bunch of area bloggers in a mass email yesterday that the Georgetown Dish had possibly signed me (and over 100 other people) up themselves. Sonderman wrote:
Several of you have told us today that you suddenly are receiving e-mail newsletters from The Georgetown Dish, which you did not sign up for. Some of you asked us if TBD provided those e-mails to the Dish. We want to let everyone know that we did not, at least not directly.
We looked back at some of the early informational e-mails we sent to all the network members, including the Dish, and realized that some of those inadvertently listed your e-mail addresses in the "To" field, which would be visible to the other recipients. It's possible that the Dish repurposed those addresses from the e-mail they received, but I don't know for sure. I have asked the publisher and managing editor about this and asked them to undo it, but have not received a response yet.
First of all, the "publisher"? The "managing editor"? I'm sorry, but aren't we talking about a blog here? How many helper animals does the Georgetown Dish keep? But that's besides the point. The point is that this is not a smart move on the Dish's part because sending their stupid, irrelevant newsletter to me each morning is basically like begging for a good haranguing. Really, the Dish is basically the idiot criminal calling up the cops and asking to be imprisoned. They're going directly to jail and, instead of passing "Go" and collecting $200, they're opting instead to collect a Kenny Powers quote -- "You're f*ckin' out!"
In fact, the Dish is so f*cking out that they're still apparently living in 2006 -- the year the rest of the world realized that Uggs made their legs look like they were a bear with gout. But no, according to the very important newsletter I received this morning from the Georgetown Dish, there's an Uggs store opening TODAY somewhere in that canker sore of a neighborhood:
DCers love their Uggs according to spokeswoman Barbara Martin. She says, "The region is a really strong market." Ugg chose Georgetown as a location for their fourth store in the U.S.
Seriously, who the f*ck thought it was a good idea to send me a press release like this? I am not GD's target market. I don't wear sweatpants with "JUICY" written across the ass; I don't wear more than one plaid pattern at a time; I don't wear anything made of terry-cloth that isn't worn in the bathroom (or the liquor store; hey, we all have emergencies); and no, I don't wear oversized sheaths of sheep hide on my podia. See, I like to keep myself off of my own worst-dressed list, my own Shambles P.I. list. But you, Georgetown Dish? Well, because of your moronic missteps and stories about bad fashion, you're the first non-person, the first entity to get on that list and no, to be clear it is not an honor...
But it's your own fault, GD. Your references to Eat Pray Love, Uggs and those irritating hoes from Georgetown Cupcake all in the same screenshot made you a shoe-in (or is that Ugg-in?). And in fact, it's so dishgustingly bad (see what I did there?) that it makes me think there should be a new category for you, an über-Shambles crown to commemorate this trifecta of 'tard you've presented to me this morning unsolicited. Kingsh*t shambles? Georgetown Dishambles? This one might require some thinking. But no matter because Dish please (ha, I did it again!), when I come up with it, I'll let you know. See, there's no need for you to willingly sign up for updates either.