the grade

Everyone loves a good ranking. And while I wish I was writing that with some hidden metaphorical meaning, I really just mean that literally. Starting from the day we step into grade school, we begin getting ranked: minus, check, plus. Science fairs and sporting events gave us first, second and third. Finally, high school gave us the ultimate system: letter grading.

And now, uh, because there's nothing really that substantial to write about, I'm going to rank five recent stories/things/events on the classic A-through-F scale. But before you click to close this browser because you think The Anti DC team is starting to burn out (sizzle!), I'm gonna switch the text to DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY! to re-grab your attention. It's so beautiful! But what does it mean?! Nothing. Let's just get on with it. HA! It worked!

A: The braised shoulder of Shenandoah lamb at Againn. While I initially had no intention on ever setting foot in any restaurant that marketed itself as a "contemporary British isles bistro" (I'm of the ilk that pub food should simply be pub food, a.k.a., deep fried fish is deep fried fish is deep fried fish), The Anti DC Creative Director Terry the Tourette's Turtle insisted. He had a coupon. Anyway, let's just cut to the chase (and really this chase was so tender you could cut it with a butter knife) -- the lamb was f*cking delicious. Hands down one of the best things I've ever put in my mouth. [Insert fellatio joke here.] And Terry's assessment? "Nipple clamps!"

B: The weather. Sure, it's not perfect yet -- it won't be perfect until it matches the cold, dark temperature of my heart -- but the weather has much more fabulous than usual lately. It's nice not having to do an over/under bet on how many times you'll cross your fingers and wish the Old Spice guy would pop up and smack that excessively sweaty person, who's inevitably standing too close to you, with a bottle of Isaiah Mustafa-scented body wash.

C: The Washington Post's Date Lab. While this Sunday Post feature was never totally awesome in the classic sense of the word, at least it used to be entertaining the way sh*tshows are supposed to be. But now? I mean, I'll still read it and all (maybe hoping for a complete trainwreck is half the fun?), but the last few weeks of Date Lab have just been so dull, so average, so...normal. This week's is the culmination of all things yawn.

D: Barricading yourselves in your homes. Copycat crimes are generally for the uncreative, but copycat crimes of already uncreative crimes are just for the stupid. But seriously, why so many barricades, D.C.? THE WEATHER IS A SOLID B/B+!!!

F: John Kelly's Washington. I'm not sure how or why the Post employs some of the local columnists it does (don't even get me started on Reliable Source), but they're just not that entertaining most of the time. For proof, please to compare John Kelly's assessment of the fashion at the Maryland Renaissance Festival to mine. First of all, I scooped him by posting yesterday opposed to today. And secondly, should anyone who admits to wearing Dockers really be assessing fashion in the first place? Really, John, I'm afraid in your case, the codpiece you joke about buying would actually probably have been an improvement. Second of all, did he not spot the gimp?! Surely, I think that's more of the rule than the exception at the Festival. Try harder!