do NOT f*ck with shark week

What the f*ck kind of nutbag tries to shoot up the network that gives us Shark Week? While I usually wouldn't be so flippant about a police shoot-to-kill scenario, I think it'll serve us all to look at yesterday's Discovery Channel hostage situation as a win-win. Discovery and all its employees are safe and hostage-taker James "I Call Myself an Environmentalist, But Really I'm Just Insane" Lee really did a solid for the Earth -- he sacrificed his carbon footprint!

Geez, I'm terrible...but I think once you decide to storm a building with pretty much the worst storming plan ever and start taking hostages, you pretty much knowingly sacrifice your life and, by default, any sympathies society may have once had for you. Hey, I understood Lee's outrage about televising the sh*tshows that are Kate Plus 8 and 18 19 20 Kids and Counting (I mean, the Duggars a legitimate cult, right?) on TLC, a Discovery sister channel, but come on! Those trainwrecks are a small price to pay for a whole week of goddamn sharks.

In other news, I hope Urban Outfitters in Chinatown starts to stock up on mom jeans, because apparently the city is trying to drive away all the teenagers that hang out in the neighborhood, and I suppose their business with the installation of high-pitched vuvuzela machines that only young ears can here. And although this sounds like a ridiculous plan, maybe this will be a good lesson for the children. Remember the 1990s when we used to buy flannels five for $10 at the thrift shop? Well, here's your chance, dipster kids, to stop being suckers. Get thee to a Goodwill! Cut the holes in your jeans yourself!

And speaking of teenagers, if you ever want to make your local pub trivia host feel really, really awkward, I suggest you name your trivia team Justin Bieber's Descending Testicles, which after five rounds of reading aloud, he'll announce, "I think a part of me died tonight because of this." What you shouldn't do, however, is tear down a Bieber poster and brag about it on the Internet. Every teenager with a wine bottle and gay man with a baby will be after your ass.

And since we're on the subject of asses: The Washington Post-sponsored mayoral debate took place yesterday at the Newseum. I was supposed to go, but seeing as I don't care and sites like DCist exist to live-blog it, I decided to have something better to do, like nap check out the Yves Klein exhibit at the Hirschhorn. If you haven't gone yet, then I suggest you get your sh*t together and go before it closes on Sept. 12. And even if you don't appreciate International Klein Blue (i.e., you hate awesome things), you can still go to watch a short film about his work that features a lot of boobs, you know, if you're into that sort of thing.

Lastly, let's end this bit of Web regurgitation with a link to the most awesome thing on the 'Net this week (and no, I apologize to the pervs, it does not involve boobs, nor is it an epic baseball fight). And while Zach Galifinakis's most recent "Between Two Ferns" certainly was a contender, the winner that took it all was Arcade Fire's music video experiment, The Wilderness Downtown. The only thing that would make it cooler would be the addition of sharks. WOOT!