nuts to love, nuts to hate, and nuts to...

It's gonna be a short one today because I'm pretty busy. See, my pub trivia team, "Hide Your Kids; Hide Your Wife" won a SlapChop last night and I've been dicing everything in sight -- napkins, coasters, frozen peas, baked beans, warm butter (the one thing it seems to actually successfully chop) and, of course, nuts. You're gonna love my nuts. And you're also gonna love this Web regurgitation. Onward!

Great. There's a new funny female blogger in town, whose dead baby jokes are probably more relevant than mine since hers are all about rich white people and abortion. Mine, on the other hand, are for the pure, simple enjoyment. Why did the dead baby cross the road? (Answer at the bottom of this sh*tty post.)

Great. There's a new mayor in town and his election has underlined the racial divide in Washington. However, I see an easy solution here -- a change in motto! How about: "You can't get Gray without mixing Black and White!" GET IT?! I'm a genius.

And in other genius-y ideas news, I'd like to invite Mr. Vincent Gray to ride on a tandem bicycle with me sometime soon. Like WashCycle, I also hope he understands the importance of encouraging cycling in this city. I also hope he understands how fun it would be to ride on a bicycle made for two with me.

And equally as important (and fun!) to DC is masturbation. (*ding ding ding* TRANSITION OF THE WEEK!) I mean, really, let's think about it. People are mean and uptight here. I've heard some say that perhaps people here just need to have more sex. But, whoops, there's that hugely significant problem of a 3-5 percent HIV/AIDS rate in this city. Indeed, a little Han Solo might be the answer to all of our problems. A happier, more productive Washington, DC, equals a happier more productive USA. So please, Delaware, if you truly care about this country, don't send Christine O'Donnell here. I don't love her nuts. And, really, she doesn't love yours. In fact, she doesn't even want you to love your own.

And actually, she'll probably just end up in a sex scandal anyway and then her whole life will have been just one big sham...like these other hypocritical "family-values" right-wingers.

Lastly, let's end with what everyone's wondering about here -- will Oprah ask them if there's gonna be a sequel to Ultimate Air Jaws?!

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Wait! Don't go! I have the answer to that dead baby joke, "Why did the dead baby cross the road?" "To eat what's one the other side! IT'S A ZOMBIE BABY!" Yup. Still got it.