Tuesday, June 7, 2011

shambles p.i.: the sunglasses politics retrospective edition

You know, it's not often I feel lucky to live here. But after yesterday's performance by former mayoral candidate-turned Mayor Gray hypeman-turned unemployed douche Sulaimon Brown, I can't help but smile and say, "Good job, everyone." Why? Certainly not because of the contents of the hearing (nepotism). Nor because of its tone, which even managed to shock the likes of Marion Barry. No, I feel lucky to live here because Sulaimon Brown showed up and sat through the entire hearing dressed like a total asshole.

Photo courtesy of Washington Post
While it's possible Sulaimon is either a huge fan of Men in Black or stuck in the Matrix, it's more likely that he's just a weirdo. But I'm not here to analyze the reasons why Sulaimon chose to wear sunglasses indoors throughout an entire government hearing (we'll chock that up to pure crazy), I'm here to analyze the aesthetics of his choice in eyewear. I'm here to Shambles P.I.

Photo courtesy of Washington Post
Hmm. Not very flattering for his face shape. For one, the glasses don't sit flush on his face. Nor do I think they are large enough. While I appreciate a good reflective lens, I think a classic "What we have here is a failure to communicate" mirror-finish aviator would've been much more suitable, as would've that line...

Yet while Sulaimon might be the only DC-based political figure to wear sunglasses during official indoor business, he's not alone. Let's take a look at some of our other favorite shaded shady political figures and see how their indoor aesthetic choices compare.

Kim Jong-Il

Probably the most famous UV-safe bespectabled face to ever say and do some pretty stupid sh*t in the name of politics, Kim Jong-Il's futuristic sunglasses certainly beat out Sulaimon's in both form and function. With a head the shape of a beat-up orange and hair higher than Snooki's the square shape of the frame and ombre shade of the lenses serve two purposes -- they hide most of this guy's hideous face, while giving him ultimate retina protection from the sun's harmful rays. Verdict? He looks cool and crazy, opposed to Sulaimon's just straight crazy. Kim Jong-Il > Sulaimon Brown.

Muammar Al-Gaddafi

My, oh my. Not only do Muammar Al-Gaddafi's shades fit his fat, indented face perfectly, but the slight curvature of the single laser-cut rimless lens gives him a sleek enough finish that if he wasn't a heartless dictator, I'd think he was about to ask me to do the conga in Miami. Of course, I'd have to decline because his chocolate milk stubble of a mustache makes him look like a child molester. At least Sulaimon doesn't have that going for him. However, on a purely shades-based basis, Muammar Al-Gaddafi > Sulaimon Brown.

Um, and so ends our list of indoor-sunglass-wearing political figures because, as perhaps it tellingly turns out, the only fools foolish enough to wear tinted shades indoors (do they not have Transitions® lenses abroad?), are crazy cruel dictators. However, for the sake of ongoing sunglasses-related discussion, I'm going to now open the e-floor up to those political figures who choose only to wear their sunglasses in the actual sun.

Vladimir Putin 

While in Russia sunglasses usually wear you, in Vladimir Putin's case, he wearing them and doing it well. Not only do these expensive-looking shades defend Putin from the penetrating gaze of the sun, but the mirror effect on these bad boys help to defend us from getting lost in the baby blues behind the lenses. Putin is a fine piece of autocratic ass. Vladimir Putin > Sulaimon Brown.

Nicolas Sarkozy

Ooh la f*cking la. C'est chic. C'est magnifique! Fin. Like I said, if Sulaimon wanted to look like a bad ass, the mirrored aviators would've been a fine choice. Nicolas Sarkozy > Sulaimon Brown.

Sarah Palin

Unsurprisingly, Palin went for the trashiest overpriced brand around, Juicy. Not only are these marketed more toward teenage girls who dress like prostitutes, but they're also just plain cheesy. Remember, this is the same brand that made its name by selling velveteen sweatsuits that spell J-U-I-C-Y across the ass. I can't help but think there's a metaphor in there for Palin's political ambitions... But despite her poor choice, at least she's keeping it real. A tasteless lady in tasteless shades, whereas Sulaimon's just confuse me. Sarah Palin > Sulaimon Brown.

Barack Obama

The penultimate member of our list of regular outdoor-wearing sunglasses wearers is our president. While the tie, pointer finger and smile all say, "Bow down to my coolness," the Ray-Ban sunglasses say, "Meh." While they're not bad, they're also nothing notable. I'd like to expect more from the leader of the Free World. However, at least they fit squarely on his face. Barack Obama > Sulaimon Brown.

Jackie Onassis

Last and greatest, we have Jackie O., who while not directly involved in governing our country, certainly had a hand in governing our sunglass style. Favoring dark-as-night lenses as big as half her face, Jackie knew how to make black and white photography look way cooler than color. Sulaimon, on the other hand, would still look just as silly. And in sepia, I'm sure he'd look downright moronic. Jackie Onassis > Sulaimon Brown.

And so, I hope we've learned something here. Sulaimon Brown's sunglasses suck. They're worse than most everyone else's. I mean really, if you're going to wear sunglasses indoors, you better be ready to make a bold fashion statement, for better or worse. Don't be stuck with ill-fitting, child-sized plastic lenses that look like they came from the discount bin at a Kum'n'Go along I-80 in Iowa. So, step it up next time, Sulaimon Brown. I think you have what it takes to be just like Kim Jong-Il.


Anonymous said...

Per mike Debonis from The Washington Post. Sulaimon Brown's shades were maui jim stingray shades $209. The best that money can buy.

Marissa said...

Wow. Maui Jim Stingray. Straight class.

Anonymous said...

What is brand sunglasses Putin?