docks are optional

What's brown and white and douchey all over? (Wow...that certainly could go in several gnarly directions...)

Let's try this again: What's the opposite of low-centers?

Anyone?

OK. Fine. I see you're all stumped because, I mean, it's not like I'd buy Topsiders or anything!


Except I totally would! That's my dang foot! Yes, e-friends and newly encountered e-foes (I'm looking at you, "The Internet"), I am the proud owner of 100 percent authentic Sperry Topsiders, the original sailing shoe.

"Oh, Anti DC, I didn't know you were into sailing! Cool!"

Ha! Not cool. I'm totally not into sailing. Actually, I wouldn't be against it, but as of right now, I've never engaged in that activity.

"Well, you at least own a boat, right?"

Um, about that. No. No I don't.

"OK, then certainly you've stepped foot on one."

Booze cruises count, right?

"All right, then why the f*ck did you buy Topsiders?!"

Excellent question. And I'll gladly answer it. See, it all kind of started off as a bit of a joke, which, of course, I took to the next level. Having been in DC for over a year, I've noticed there is a fairly distinct style of doucheosity that persists around certain areas of town -- *cough* Georgetown *cough*. This style usually looks just so, so wrong. And not to beat the proverbial pair of pleated khaki pants to death when I reiterate that a fair share of DC's population never learned how to dress themselves, but it's true. Look around.

Now, DC's overall sad state of fashion can range from the blatantly dishabille on the Hill to the "I put thought into my outfit, just not good thought" trust-fund kids gone wrong in Georgetown. While the former group is usually just lazy, the latter group is just plain retardulous. See, they get so overexcited at the site of madras, polos, man capris (a.k.a., the manpri, if you will) and yes, Topsiders, that they just go nuts and put it all on at once. Where the former group puts in no thought, the latter puts in too much. In other words, they put all of their douche eggs in one J. Crew bag, as it were, and they end up looking like assholes. Take, for example, this poor male model who probably ruined his career on the Today show last August.

Oh, that is truly horrendous. I'm sorry I made you look at that, but, well, it had to be done for me to illustratively illustrate my illustrative point -- too many repetitive words single-genre trends do not a good sentence outfit make. But the preppy look isn't inherently vomit-inducing (except in Georgetown or on the Today show). See, any one of the pieces pictured above, well, save for those ludicrous manpris, has the potential to look good under certain conditions. But combine all items together and you have...well, outfit vomit. It just ain't right.

Let's take just the Topsiders, for example. Now, if the stylist sadist who invented the above-pictured outfit would've simply taken the Topsiders and paired them, say, with a nice pair of flatfront slim ("pardon the expression") trousers and maybe a cardigan, then we'd have a look I could work with (see Band of Outsiders, for example).

But lest you think Topsiders are only for the boys, you'd be wrong. I'm of the opinion that ladies can also rock 'em. And I'm not alone (for once!) with my thoughts (see the lovely and incredibly eloquent Dreamecho please). Yes, the classic Sperry Topsider is a bonafide dorktastic friend of fashion (it's too bad my ass right thigh/general hippage isn't -- I'll see you in hell delicious cupcakes!):

Come hither, Topsiders!

Seriously, that badonkadonk those sausage-y thighs look kind of, um, not tight? And also, why is my T-shirt laying so weird?! Now, ignoring all that and the fact that I'm kind of grabbing ma'butt here as well as (while we're at it) my humongous humidity hair and the fact that I snapped this on self-timer in my office bathroom roughly three seconds before someone else came in to use it (now that would've made for an awkward moment), I think what I've done with the Topsider here not half bad. I think I managed to make it look, well, not so much like a Topsider, or at least like a Topsider as you'd expect to see it. That is, I've managed to cop a bit of Georgetown steez (hold the skeez) and make it kinda tight. Take it.

And also, for the record, Topsiders are effing comfortable! Lesson be learned, Crocs-wearers! You have another, equally nerdy, but less ugly option -- Topsiders for everyone! Yay! Even (or, perhaps, especially) for men in hot pants! Thank you, Go Fug Yourself for this whimsical image!

Pictured (on me, not young Chuck Bass): Sperry Topsiders, Kova&T jeans, vintage T-shirt, H&M cami, Target wayfarer sunglasses.