Wednesday, March 5, 2008

the best looking bitch in georgetown leads to the ugliest store window

Besides the Sephora and the brunch at Martin's Tavern (post forthcoming), Georgetown offers me very little. And by "very little," of course, I really mean "nothing." But despite my recorded disdain for this Late Night Shots, popped collar disaster of a neighborhood, I found myself there last Sunday afternoon looking for bitches. That's right. Bitches.

But it wasn't my idea. Blame my friend, The Law. I'd have been happy scoping out bitches in my own neighborhood, but she insisted that the best bitches would be hanging near a van on Wisconsin Avenue. She read it online. And so we went to try to find the best looking bitch in Georgetown.

And I'll be damned if we didn't find her! She was standing right there in front of the van. I swear she saw us coming as I stared into her big green eyes. And when I touched her hair I was wishing this bitch would be mine. But, alas, my shoebox of an apartment doesn't allow bitches. And so this bitch was to go to The Law. Ahh, just look at her!

Etymology of bitch: The Old English term bicce, probably evolved from Old Norse bikkjuna -- "female of the dog" (also fox, wolf, and occasionally other beasts).

However, just because fine-ass bitches like Lota a.k.a. Beretta hang in Georgetown, doesn't mean I've changed my mind about the place. In fact, to the contrary, after spending a near-entire afternoon in this area of town, I feel resolved to never ever go back again. OK, well maybe for the Sephora and Marvin's brunch... But as for the other offerings, specifically the shopping, I feel comfortable telling it that I will see it in hell.

Proof: The Gap

Magenta, collars and cropped cardigans, oh my the horror!

Now, save for one oversized navy blue V-neck sweater (and my experience buying it wasn't unlike this), I'm not really a "Gap person." For one, I don't wear loose pants or brand-emblazoned sweatshirts. But also, I used to work part-time for one of Gap's more expensive sister stores, where I saw firsthand the sh*teous quality of the peddled wares. So, with images of out-of-box tears and elusive buttons prancing (yes, prancing) through my head, it's hard for me to justify dropping any bones at the Gap when I know it will probably fall apart within a few months (the pilling on my oversized navy-blue V-neck sweater is testament).

But when I saw the above-pictured Gap window display, I must say my low expectations regarding Gap became even lower. Those are hands-down, the ugliest three outfits I've seen in a while. If I saw anyone at any age in any of those outfits, I would be forced to literally slap some sense into her. I mean, I get it. It's the Gap. It's not meant to be stylish or high-fashion. But while it usually just errs on the side of boringness, at least two of these three outfits sit clearly in the hideous'n'heinous category.

There is a such thing as too much pink. And the ensemble on our far right just confuses me. Hey, I like mixing and matching colors too, but at some point one must at least attempt to coordinate them. Honestly, unless the Gap employee that put that look together is both retarded and blind, that outfit has no place in a store display, let alone on a human being. It's aesthetically cruel.

Seriously, shopping in Georgetown is truly simulacrum. I mean, you can physically buy things, yes, but the experience is surreal. Even regarding stores I generally love elsewhere -- Barney's CO-OP, for example -- the Georgetown versions are just a bit off.

To the Georgetown CO-OP buyer: If I wanted to wear Nicole Richie's wardrobe circa 2003, I would've bought it then. I didn't.

Anyway, Georgetown is what it is, I suppose -- except when it's not, like in the instance of this H Street-appropriate outfit I saw featured in the window of Reiss. It made me want to become an auto-mechanic. But with a price upwards of $300 (if I remember correctly), I'd restrict my business to cars that cost more than double my annual salary, which means I wouldn't touch anything crappier than an '87 Buick LeSabre.

Is it wrong that I want this in blaze orange?


I-66 said...

If it's anything like my time in the Gap family of stores, those "outfits" were designed by the crack Gap marketing team. That, in and of itself, is scary since those folks are supposed to know fashion.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

What a cute bitch :-)

You are right about the too much pink -- geesh those outfits were horrid.

the law said...

"For one, I don't wear loose pants."

No you do not, girl. No. You. Do. Not.

Bridal Bird said...

It seems like the Gap designers put actual effort into what they're selling about every three years. You'll be all into them for a while, then they clearly slack off for a couple years and release crap into the stores, then about three years later, you'll walk in and think, "Huh. Not bad. Why haven't I been coming in?" Lather, rinse, repeat.

Marissa said...


It's nice to know Gap, Inc. doesn't discriminate and that they'll hire someone blind and mentally disabled to head up the design department.

bridal bird--

I think you might be on to something there with Gap, Inc. When I worked at Banana Republic roughly three years ago, they were in the midst of their geisha phase (oh, it was bad). Three years later, I have no idea what they're up to...

Wait, wait...I just Googled and discovered "the BR monogram collection." Hmmm...Let me guess, an excuse to charge more money for the same sweat-shop-produced goods? Maybe I'll give it another three years...

Wait, wait again. I think I just said the opposite of what you said. Damn, I'm slow tonight.

The Vinyl District said...

Isn't that Martin's Tavern?

Marissa said...


Indeed! They have a fab brunch, for reals.