dc needs linguistic lessons

There has yet to be a day during which DC logic makes sense to me. And by "logic," I mean retardedness. Apparently, your dear author here, is a hipster. I have only one three-word response to people in DC who've not only referred to me as a hipster online, but also in real life WHERE THEY CAN SEE AND SPEAK TO ME:

1. Only
2. In
3. DC.

But don't get me wrong. I'm not insulted by this comment at all. I mean, I did crown hipsters the least annoying people in DC. I do have friends who are real hipsters. And hipsters generally amuse and entertain me. But I'm troubled, dear DC, with your linguistic ability because nowhere else in the world, possibly the entire cosmos, would I be considered a hipster. A bit Euro-trash maybe, but hipster? Not really.

Sure, I may attend parties dressed like this or this every now and again (and, ahem, those two looks are so much more Euro-trash than hipster), but I don't waltz around DC's streets wearing typical hipster attire. I'm still not a fan of acid-wash denim. I will never wear a leotard unless I'm in a dance class. And I don't wear Cosby sweaters or overalls ironically. In fact, I don't own anything that I wear ironically.

So, what the hell is it? Why has the word "hipster" morphed from describing those who are annoyingly yet enviably cutting edge (the general meaning of the term in the REST OF THE WORLD) to meaning simply those who don't own anything from L.L. Bean or J.Crew?

But wait...there's more.

DC, are you aware that "hipster" also has a less superficial context? It's not just about the way they look, but about what they're interested in. If anything, I might be classifiable as a fringe hipster based solely on my taste in music, my penchant for clubs with live DJs and the fact that I tune into Coast to Coast AM every night (Damn, I miss Art Bell). But even then, it'd be a rare moment that I'd have heard of whatever band any given group of hipsters is talking about right this very moment, although I'm sure there's a chance I'll like it next year.

However, liking something hipsters recommend still doesn't make one a hipster (at least outside of DC). You see, hipsters hear of bands I end up liking first. I hear of them second. And DC never hears of them. So again, is it because I don't listen to Dave Matthews Band that makes me a hipster? Or Rusted Root? Um, that's a band right? Whatever.

Anyway, this concept of "hipster knows first" is a very important -- perhaps the most important -- hipster fact to grasp. If you're not on the frontlines of up-and-coming, you're not a hipster. I'm 28. I watch The Bachelor. I'm clearly no longer up-and-coming, ergo, I am not a hipster.

But returning to fashion, since it is the most tangible example at hand, let me try to ingrain the point into DC's thick metaphorical skull. The skinny jeans fad did not start in 2007. (Oh! Sorry DC! I should add some background here: Imagine your flaired carpenter jeans about 10 sizes smaller, 5 inches longer and without the added strap for your hammer, er, Blackberry) The earliest I can remember seeing skinny jeans was in late summer 2005. I saw them on a hipster. Less than a week later I began wearing them and I never looked back. But even though I've invented several looks around the skinny jean and converted at least three of my friends to the practice, I certainly did not spearhead the movement. Nope. It was some good-looking hipster.

So, my little retarded DC, I hope all this information didn't just make your head explode because you have so much more left to learn. But don't worry, this 28-year-old "hipster" (um, another point, can hipsters be 28 years old?) is here to call you a dumbass and show you the light. But mostly just call you a dumbass.

Photo: V Magazine's picks for best Misshapes looks. Um, and is that Madonna in the top left there?