morse money, morse problems

Despite the 389 bones I'm now raking in thanks to the $25 per week raise given to me by Obama for literally not doing work, my helper tortoise, Vladimir (who I procured last month as an homage to BikeSnob's helper monkey and, later, first introduced last Friday on Why I Hate DC), tells me that it's high time I try to get a sh*tty job. See, not only does he compensate for my lack of functional literacy by reading articles and then tapping summaries out in Morse code for me, but since I've been unemployed, he's also now in charge of running simple errands, as I refuse to put pants on to leave the house.

Now, if I was Vladimir, I'd just be damn thankful to still be employed, but as of yesterday, he's now demanding a raise. Apparently, allowing him unlimited refrigerator time no longer qualifies as bringing home the bacon, or more apropos, bringing home the dark leafy greens. Nope. Now he's demanding I pay him in legal tender, which, thinking back, shouldn't have come as much of a surprise considering he recently started hanging out at the track. (Clearly, he doesn't race himself -- he's a tortoise! He plays the ponies instead.)

But despite his recent foray into the gambling underworld, I must admit Vladimir pulls more than his share of the weight around here. I mean, just look at him!

(Vladimir refuses to be photographed, insisting instead that strangers from www.quiltermuse.com render his visage and his bookkeeping doings in embroidery.)

So, really, lest I hypocritically force my helper tortoise to give up a hobby I, too, greatly enjoy, or, even worse, he finds higher-paying work (I hear despite the economic downturn the helper tortoise market is quite hot), I need to get my job on.

Naturally, having very few marketable skills, there's very few jobs for which I'm qualified to even apply. Now, couple that with a crappy economy and I'm pretty much forced to do what I swore three years ago never to do again after walking out of Banana Republic for the very last time -- work retail. (Vladimir, I hope you realize how much I love you!)

Luckily, there are a few places still hiring, and thanks to Craigslist (which may or may not be finding me a new, cheaper home...and a hooker!), I've narrowed it down to two.

OPTION 1


Sales Associates (Union Station)

Reply to: [redacted]
Date: 2009-03-27, 4:29PM EDT

AMERICA! a local retailer is looking for Sales Associates at their Union Station location.

We are looking for team players who are mature, hardworking and experienced retail associates. Schedule must be flexible, able to work evenings and Sundays.

If you are interested in joining our team, please email resume.

Now, this is not a bad option. I mean, first off, I don't know anyone who loves America more than I do. Not even Vladimir, who's Kazakh by ethnicity but a true American at heart. We often spend our evenings celebrating this great nation together chanting "USA! USA! USA!" repeatedly. And slowly, because while I'm vocalizing a letter, Vladimir is frantically tapping away in Morse code. (Dot dot dash -- U! -- Dot dot dot -- S! -- Dot dash -- A!) Clearly, we like to party.

With that kind of patriotic fervor, though, I seem like a shoe-in. The only possible issues I can foresee that could possibly hinder a quick hire are the requirements to be "a team player," "mature" and, most importantly, "hardworking." I hate people, I'm clearly a 12-year-old boy trapped in a 29-year-old woman's body and you know my feelings about wearing pants. I am, however, available to work evenings and Sundays!

OPTION 2


Experienced P/T Sales Associates Wanted

Reply to: [redacted]
Date: 2009-03-27, 11:43AM EDT

Pleasure Place, Washington's Premier Upscale Erotic Boutique, is looking for experienced applicants for part-time sales positions. Must be available evenings and weekends. We close at midnight Wed. thru Sat. so please consider transportation before applying. If you are energetic,professional, pleasant, and LOVE retail, we want to meet you. Please apply in person at our Georgetown store located at 1063 Wisconsin Ave., N.W..

So, this blog just got interesting! (It's about time.) Especially if you did any follow-up research on the kinds of products "Washington's Premier Upscale Erotic Boutique" sells. (NSFW, suckers!) Who knew anal pleasure could be so sophisticated!?

Anyfart, while I can't say I'm more qualified for this job over the one at AMERICA!, considering Vladimir and I do not engage in any activities together having to do with, um, pleasure, I do believe I would be a good, er, fit for the Pleasure Palace. Firstly, I'm energetic. You know, after I muster up the wherewithal to put on pants. Secondly, I'm professional. That is, once again, after I put on pants. Lastly, contrary to everything I portray here, I'm extremely pleasant. Although, unlike the previous two requirements, I'm exceedingly more pleasant without pants on. Which, come to think of it, may be perfect for this job!

In short, e-friends, I've got options. Vladimir, you don't need to leave me to go work as a Congressional aide to Ed Markey! (To my dismay, I've just learned there's an offer on the table.) Yep, this is all going to work out just fine. Stay tuned!