i like hats.

Since I wasn't feeling well yesterday (I blame Marvin), I had even more time than usual to bum around the Web like a boxcar hobo. Of course I checked out the standard fare, The New Yorker, Slate and Porn for the Blind, but after a while, I had to get a little more creative, so I ended up on the Tyra Banks Show site. And this is where things got exciting.

Tyra's looking for guests to be on her show! It's practically a dream come true! Let's see what she's looking for:

• Is Your Stage Mom Ruining Your Life?
• Do You Know Someone Who is Making Their Child Fat?
• Are You Afraid of Your Own Child?
• Are You Trying to Design Your Baby?
• Do You Know a Couple That Needs to Stop Making Out and Get a Room?

And my personal favorite: Do You Want to Be Patti Labelle's Personal Masseuse or Masseur?


Hmm...this isn't looking very promising. I don't have a stage mom. I don't know anyone making their child fat (although isn't that all of America?). I don't have a child to fear yet, nor am I trying to design one. And I don't know a couple who needs to stop making out and get a room. In fact, I know plenty who probably need to make out more. Maybe that'd loosen DC up. Lastly, the idea of being Patti LaBelle's personal masseuse kind of weirds me out.

What this all means is that it looks like I'm not destined to be on Tyra's show anytime soon.

:(

(Please note the above sad-face emoticon is bold-faced, indicating extreme depression.)

But as we've seen, I'm a little awkward on camera.

So, it's probably a blessing that Tyra isn't planning on having a show entitled something like: Do You Eat Beans for Almost Every Meal? Or, Do You Wear Weird Hats Indoors? Because then I'd definitely sign up.

I have e-disguised my mom to protect her from the public shame of having spawned me.

Actually, I wear that hat out of doors more than indoors. I got it at Target for $12. It packs up well in a suitcase, protects my pasty visage from the sun and, best of all, allows me to practice my hat dance moves wherever I go. (I'm getting good.)

The rest of the ensemble is composed of a pair of shorts I got at a thrift shop for $3, a men's Hanes T-shirt and a pair of Ray-Bans. I like investing most of my easy-earned government money into items that I commonly lose. Thanks, taxpayers!

And now to make this post slightly relevant to this blog's theme, as well as speaking of hats and taxpayers, or rather, tax evaders, what's with Marion Barry and this nonprofit shambles? I get that it's not such a good thing that Marion Barry led the DC Council to appropriate nearly $500,000 to nonprofits that probably don't even exist, but it's Marion "Bitch set me up!" Barry we're talking about. Should he ever be expected to do anything legitimate? Therefore, I think the blame for this debacle should be placed on the rest of the DC City Council. I mean, they're the ones that voted to OK Barry's proposal. Can't we just impeach them all?

Oh, wait. That would be too logical, like wearing a hat indoors. Or something.