I know I'm probably not the first one to write about proper Craigslist etiquette, but I hope to be the last, since I'm sure this blog will one day go viral and change the world. Or some sh*t like that.
So, as my growing readership of probably five of you now know (only 6,697,254,036 of you left to infect with The Anti DC's unique brand of 'tard!), my French bike, Junior, was kidnapped not long ago by some dick. While I have vowed to punch anyone I might see riding her on the city streets (that goes for children, too, of course) and free Junior, I also realize she's probably been stripped of all her awesomeness and melted down to make Blackberry parts. We are in DC after all. And so, I have started the search for a new velocipede, which has taken me into the dark world that is Craigslist. It's a world without spell-check, without grammar and, worst of all, without manners, which brings me back to today's subject: The Anti DC's Three-Step Guide to Craigslist Etiquette.
1) Don't write in all caps.
IT'S SUPER ANNOYING TO READ ENTIRE PARAGRAPHS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS AND IT ALSO MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE AN ILLITERATE ASSHOLE, WHO SOMEHOW CAN TYPE LETTERS IN WORD FORMATIONS, BUT CANNOT READ THE WORDS "CAPS LOCK" ON THE BUTTON LOCATED TO THE LEFT OF YOUR LEFT PINKY FINGER WELL ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO TAP in order to return to typing like a civilized human being. Stop letting modern technology win, moron.
2) Don't answer my response to your ad about how much I would love to make a monetary transaction to purchase your bicycle if you're already planning to conduct a monetary transaction for said bicycle with someone else.
Seriously, say, for instance I answer an ad you put up about your dumbass, piece-of-sh*t Huffy by writing:
"Hi there. I'm really interested in the bike you listed for sale on Craigslist. I have a flexible schedule and can come check it out whenever you have time if it's still available. Thanks, Marissa."
The keywords there, of course, are "if it's still available." That is, if it's not, I don't expect -- or want -- to hear from you. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop people from answering you with things like this:
"Hi Marisa [note the spelling error], I am so happy your [sic] interested in the bike. However, I have someone coming to look at it that [sic] answered the ad before you. I'll let you know what happens. Jake"
Uh, what? You'll "let me know what happens?" How's about, I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS! (Note the appropriate usage of all-capitals to emphasize irateness.) No really. I do not care what happens in any other transaction you are planning to make, except mine.
Now, some of you may say this guy, "Jake," was simply being extra polite by keeping me abreast of all the goings-on surrounding his Huffy. However, I contend, under this second point of The Anti DC Three-Step Guide to Craigslist Etiquette, that he should've waited until the results of that first possible transaction were clear before writing me. That is, he should've only written me back if the bike was still available.
I mean, what is the point of telling me I'm next? Am I supposed to stop checking out other people's ads for their sh*tty used bicycles and wait to see if maybe I'll have a chance at yours, Jake? Psshah!
Anyway, with little precedent about how to handle someone who violates this CL point of etiquette, I decided to write back and simply say, "OK." Although, perhaps I should've said what I initially wanted to: "OK. Hope that deal falls through on you!"
This saga of stupid ended when Jake wrote back the next day: "Great news! She took it! sorry [sic] it didn't work out for you."
Jesus. I hope Jake is either seriously f*cking mentally handicapped or a fictional method actor in a sub-par film because those are the only two excuses that legitimize this kind of full-retard behavior.
3) Don't murder people.
Craigslist killers are the worst.
And there you have it! I hope we can all follow these three easy steps and make CL a land of easy, non-stick (ew) and murder-free transactions. Now, seriously, who has a bike for me?