500 posts + 1 brain hole = a whole lotta idiocy

I think it's only fitting that immediately before my 500th post I found out that I, apparently, have a hole in my brain. Finally, the voice behind this blog makes sense!

"There is a vague area of decreased attenuation present within the left basal ganglia."

That's what she said! No, literally, that's what she said. What she meant, however, is that there's apparently not a lot of density in the part of my brain that is associated with, according to Wikipedia, "a variety of functions, including motor control and learning." Hmm. This might finally explain why I choose to live in DC despite the fact that I've now written 500 posts (!) outlining why I probably shouldn't live here...

And it might also explain the actions that led me to find this out about my brain in the first place...

On Friday, I tried to crack someone's back via the bear hug method, which resulted in a rather epic fall that led my head to slam hard into a hardwood floor. This poorly executed move, which I tried to perform on a man nearly twice my size after imbibing probably an entire bottle of wine, resulted in a mild concussion and yelps akin to the grape lady and Stewie's interpretation of the grape lady. Two days later, I started having suspicious headaches. And on day three (yesterday), I found myself getting a CT scan in the hospital.

Luckily, there were no obvious signs of brain damage, such as bleeding or a cracked skull. Instead, the doctors decided I had sustained severe neck strain, a.k.a. whiplash. Oh, and, "By the way, we also found a vague irregularity in your basal ganglia." Um, okay...?

"The basal ganglia play a central role in a number of neurological conditions, including several movement disorders. The most notable are Parkinson's disease, which involves degeneration of the dopamine-producing cells in the substantia nigra, and Huntington's disease, which primarily involves damage to the striatum. Basal ganglia disfunction is also implicated in some other disorders of behavior control such as Tourette's syndrome and obsessive-compulsive disorder..."

F*CK POOP SH*T TURD! (Notice how I alphabetized those expletives?) Those are some scary things to think about. However, considering I have no physical symptoms of any of those diseases (DONKEY DICK!) and all my motor skills seem to be in order, the doctor said, "There's nothing to immediately worry about. Maybe you were even born with it." Thanks, mom. "Or maybe it was simply a CT scan error. It really is hard to tell." Yay! Modern medical technology!

Yet, still, she gave me a number for a neurologist to call "in case I want to follow-up." Meh. That fell to the wayside quickly when we started talking about what painkillers she wanted to give me. Hello, Vicodin!

But, man, what irony! After all, it was only a month ago that we were worried about the possibility of a brain tumor, when it turns out it's actually the opposite. I'm the freaking Wizard of Oz scarecrow, techno-fun edition!



But who needs a left basal ganglia when you can dance and sing like that? Well, I mean if you're not debilitated from a bit of chiropracty gone horribly, horribly wrong. Yet, still, I'll probably go ahead and attempt it again. Learning, apparently, isn't my strong suit. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go look at a book and wonder what it's for.