Wednesday, April 21, 2010

homemade neck brace

I like to lie about my occupation whenever I'm meeting a new crew of lawyers, which happens almost everyday in DC, as this city boasts (regretfully?) the highest per capita rate of attorneys in the entire United States. And, no, I don't lie because I'm ashamed of my hobo employment tendencies. I lie because it's f*cking hilarious.

"So, are you guys all at the same firm?" I ask.

"No. I'm an associate at Douche & Tool and he's with Doucheson & Toolson. What about you?"

"Me? Oh, I'm with the Cochran Firm. I get settlements for people's made-up neck injuries."

At that point, the record skips (I carry a record player around with me to make sure this happens), while these lawyers stare in shock, awe, and for once, silence. Unfortunately, though, I have a terrible p-p-p-poker face, so I can't keep this façade for long. Then eventually one will accuse me of fibbing, at which point I'll fess up and tell them my real occupation: shadow President of the United States. After that, they all walk away from me for some reason.

However, since sustaining a neck injury, I've realized that whiplash is not made up. This sh*t f*cking hurts. So now, not only do I have a new respect for ambulance chasers like the Cochran Firm, but I even respect lawyers who think "The Hammer" is their middle name.

But seriously, neck injuries blow. Not only because I feel amounts of pain I didn't know existed, but also because the Vicodin supply the doctor prescribed that I was planning to save then sell to kids on school grounds is quickly dwindling. At this rate, I won't be able to get even one kid hooked on prescription narcotics because I'm too busy breaking Crack Commandment No. 4: Never get high on your own supply!

And so while I enjoy another lunch of hydrocodone, please to click on the following links because there's nothing more depressing than reading the rants of a newly addled opiate fiend...

  • New York magazine just coined what may be my favorite word of 2010: hobot. Thank you for inspiring them, Politico reporter David Allen.

  • The only thing proving to me that Eyjafjallajokull is real is this picture book of this hilarious-to-pronounce volcano.


Patty Duke said...

And to think I get actual calls at work from nut saying that the government planted micro chips in their brain. I can now tell them that this is illegal, at least in Georgia or in their rectal genital area.

Ben (The Tiger in Exile) said...

Look at it this way -- the Penn mugging was a sign from the gods that it is time for Kumar to stop working at the White House and go back to acting.

Which he is now doing.

Marissa said...


LOL! Wow. People are strange. And can you record those phone calls? I would love to hear you explaining the illegality of this to people!


From the White Castle to the White House back to the White Castle. Yep. That sounds about right.

Patty Duke said...

Believe me it would be quite funny.