I attended only my second ice hockey game ever yesterday, despite being from Minnesota, and color me surprised when I found out that I'm actually a hockey fan. I mean, what's better than encouraged obnoxiousness, noise and dry-humping? But the real reason that I guess this makes sense is that, considering I looked like this in a past ice-age life, I kind of fit in. See, that's what most hockey fans look like now, only they're fatter and whiter.
Uh, yeah. Not a good-looking crew, which shouldn't have surprised me, as I was told probably 75 percent of the crowd spends most of their time watching Sarah Palin make $12 million on Fox News out in Scuffleburg or some such area of "real" Virginia that I'm not familiar with, where a Double-Down from KFC is considered a food group.
And speaking of unhealthy foods, one of these suburbanites got all Orca on me yesterday when I paused for literally one second in front of the doorway, while someone handed me a bike-lock key.
"Yeah, stand in the f*ckin' doorway, idiot..." mumbled Jabba the Slut, under her breath. (Seriously, cover your tramp stamp. You're 40 now.)
That passive-aggressive bullsh*t is even more awesome if you take into account that, by the time she got to the end of it, I was already done pausing for that one second and walking out the door. I turned around and saw a Lego-block of a woman.
"That was really impolite," I said. "You need to calm down."
She didn't take to those instructions so well and began eloquently screaming at me about how my "skinny ass shouldn't have been in the doorway" and that I should "shut the hell up" while I "f*ck off," etc.
If I wasn't scared she'd eat me (even after Five Guys), I probably would've treated her like a DC cop and dropped some logic on her evidently sad life, but instead, I ran away like a little girl and cowered behind my French bike until her sonar shrieks found someone else to bitch at. She chose a guy that looked like her, but prettier.
So, I don't know. I'm not from a big city either, but I still know how to conduct myself when I'm in one. That is, I shut up and accept that sometimes people do things that I find annoying and I simply blog about it later. I mean, sure, it's annoying for anyone to pause in a doorway for a split-second if you're in a hurray to get out, but them's the breaks, kid. Plus, you're in Chinatown by the Verizon Center ice field during the first game of the hockey game playoff matches, which means the concentration of people is going to at least treble along with everyday urban annoyances. People will inevitably get in your way. CALM. DOWN.
But don't calm down as much as the Caps did on the ice because then you'll lose. :(