OK, so f*ck LOST. Let's just get that out of the way. I hope all television writers everywhere learned that if you're going to write a mystery show, you better damn well know what your ending is going to be when you start writing it. Think of it this way: Television shows are like meals. Each ingredient should have a purpose. Throwing everything you have from aisles 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42 does not a delicious dish make. In fact, it makes it pretty much inedible, which is exactly why it was so hard to digest last night's final episode of LOST. Who knew underneath all the polar bears, hatches, Dharma Initiatives, Richard Alpert's ageless, maybe it's Maybelline beauty, and smoke monster, the island was just about a giant buttplug in a fountain.
I'd apologize for the spoiler, but it's better you know now so you can save yourself two hours of time, most of which you'll just be wondering why you ever cared about a stupid smoke monster anyway.
And just when you think you're done with what COULD'VE been one of the best shows of all time (you know, had they not tried to milk it so shamelessly for revenue at the expense of the story these past two seasons), BP goes ahead and reveals that, much like the island, they want to fix their leaky oil fountain with a giant buttplug, thus keeping their very own smoke monster at bay.
Seriously, I hope the finale of this goes a lot better...
Of course, now they need to find a former cast member from Party of Five to go down there and get 'er done. I hear Jennifer Love Hewitt is newly free...
And since she's not a black man she's cleared to be featured in the finale. Seriously, LOST, where the hell was Mr. Eko, Michael and Walt? You bring back Michael and Walt's dog, but you can't swing a "sideways" world plot that mentions Michael and Walt, or at least a boy who looks like Walt when he was 12 (since the original actor is probably 18 by now)? Tsk.
6 comments:
Amen Marissa.
patrick--
I'm glad to have you as a witness. If they were going to turn it into a character-driven drama, then perhaps they shouldn't have made The Island the main f*cking character in the show's set-up. #commonsense
I know! I was wondering the same thing about Michael and Walt. The dog shows up, but not them? (Mental head slap for forgetting about Mr. Eko, who I really liked.)
Rose made an appearance with whatever his name was. Damned if I can remember.
"Lost" made no sense way back when Desmond helped Locke to prevent the button from being pushed. Desmond saw what happened when he failed to do it. He should have known the sh*t would totally hit the fan. Or, at least, every metal object would hit the wall.
Not only that, but they never explained why Jack had to put his shoes on Locke's body when they returned to the island. Seriously, WTF???
There's a lot of WTF to go around with this series. It was great once, but it turns out, in the end, it was just a TV show. We all put so much more thought into it than they did, I guess.
Thanks Marissa. I hear ya...
I was burned by The X-Files as a youth, and I vowed on that day never again to invest in a multi-season mystery TV show. Watching the Lost finale, (only the fourth episode I'd seen) I was grateful for the past lesson. The incentives are all wrong for a televised mystery that unfolds over the years (see, e.g., Dallas finale in 1991) - what producer wouldn't say yes to millions of dollars, magazine covers and the adoration of fans when all it takes is the willingness to throw in random shit that gets people guessing about how it'll all come together. The Matrix series is another (albeit shorter) example of this, and Donnie Darko managed it within a single feature film.
There should be some kind of named rule that sets a maximum number of crazy phenomena within a "mythology," beyond which you can assume the show/film is taking you for a ride. Perhaps Hurley's Law?
Yep. Someone actually made what we all were thinking: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1936291
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