***If you really need to waste your time and watch the Lost finale, then don't read this 'til after that***
OK, so f*ck LOST. Let's just get that out of the way. I hope all television writers everywhere learned that if you're going to write a mystery show, you better damn well know what your ending is going to be when you start writing it.
Think of it this way: Television shows are like meals. Each ingredient should have a purpose. Throwing everything you have from aisles 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42 does not a delicious dish make. In fact, it makes it pretty much inedible, which is exactly why it was so hard to digest last night's final episode of LOST. Who knew underneath all the polar bears, hatches, Dharma Initiatives, Richard Alpert's ageless, maybe it's Maybelline beauty, and smoke monster, the island was just about a giant buttplug in a fountain.
I'd apologize for the spoiler, but it's better you know now so you can save yourself two hours of time, most of which you'll just be wondering why you ever cared about a stupid smoke monster anyway.
And just when you think you're done with what COULD'VE been one of the best shows of all time (you know, had they not tried to milk it so shamelessly for revenue at the expense of the story these past two seasons), BP goes ahead and reveals that, much like the island, they want to fix their leaky oil fountain with a giant buttplug, thus keeping their very own smoke monster at bay.
Seriously, I hope the finale of this goes a lot better...
Of course, now they need to find a former cast member from Party of Five to go down there and get 'er done. I hear Jennifer Love Hewitt is newly free...
And since she's not a black man she's cleared to be featured in the finale. Seriously, LOST, where the hell was Mr. Eko, Michael and Walt? You bring back Michael and Walt's dog, but you can't swing a "sideways" world plot that mentions Michael and Walt, or at least a boy who looks like Walt when he was 12 (since the original actor is probably 18 by now)? Tsk.