It will probably come as no surprise to you that I don't get invited to many weddings. But, before you jump to what may seem like an obvious conclusion as to why (I'm the asshole who shows up without a gift then drinks my way through the entire open bar before streaking to the quad or whatever), I assure you it's simply because not many of my friends have gotten married. Yup, all two are still single. And for once I'm not just talking about the me and myself that go with my I. Nope, I have some real friends, too. Goshdarnit, people like me. Right? Right?!
Right! And I can prove it to you! Via one of these people who like me, I was invited to a wedding last weekend at the Chesapeake Bay Beach Resort, although I'm pretty sure that by "resort," this place actually meant "absolute sh*t show." For starters, I had to send a meal back to the kitchen -- AND IT WAS A SANDWICH. How do you f*ck up a sandwich? Not to mention, there was that other time when the waitress proceeded to spill a melted plate of oyster ice on my dinner companion before spilling the rest of it on me five minutes later. Oh! And let's not forget when I tried to order a Dark'n'Stormy from the 16-year-old bartender, he had to ask me what it was before telling me, "No, we don't have that." WHAT?! That's an effing beach staple! Then, that same 16-year-old bartender also had to ask several waitresses if they served any cocktails at all. (They served one.) And speaking of cocktails, later that night we overheard a rather "interesting" 40-something lady WITH A MULLET telling the bartender that she was only there because she "got kicked out of the bar down the street." Yes, the bar at the resort was the town's back-up bar. Then there was the gospel choir on the beach, the "Dairy Queeze," and the epic bingo f*ck-up, in which the staff failed the "being able to tell time" test by informing us bingo started at 11 p.m., when, in actuality, that's when it ended. And yes, bingo was all there was to do there.
Luckily, however, the wedding was really nice. The couple looked great, the wine was flowing, the food was delicious, and the company was fabulous. So fabulous, actually, that I've found myself e-stalking one of them for the past week. However, when you see this vlog he made last weekend, I'm sure you'll understand why:
Who doesn't like hot guys, well dressed, to fetch things for them? And, ew! There's formaldehyde in clothes?! The things this man has taught me... Anyway, congratulations, MikeysGayToday! Along with Coppercab, you've made my official list of sh*t I approve on YouTube!
And damn. I can't mention Coppercab and not post his latest masterpiece. He's just so hilariously angry! Give this man a sitcom!
HAPPY F*CKING MEMORIAL DAY! ON TO THE NEXT TOPIC!