Wednesday, May 5, 2010

is douche the new hipster?

Or is hipster the new douche? After discovering that H Street is officially on death watch, I'm curious, so let's explore...if you dare. WARNING: This will get ugly.

First, let's define our two stereotypes so that we can easily superficially compare this duo later, and at the same time test ourselves. Let's start with the douchebag, a.k.a. the douche, the d-bag, the 'chebag, and the douchebaguette.

PHOTO NOTE: The above-pictured persons may or may not be this douchey. However, they posted this picture on Flickr, which allowed me to pull it up on Google using the keywords "madras suit," so I'm just sayin', if it looks like a duck...(PS - That's what you get for making your photostream public.)

APPEARANCE
  • Do you often sport two or more pastel colors on your person at the same time?
  • Is there a visible "designer" logo showing on either your shirt, ass, or handbag?
  • Do any of your trousers that aren't pajamas have small, embroidered animals or anchors on them? And you're a dude?
  • Does any item of clothing you own appear to be made by a blind patchwork artist with elfin hands?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you're at least a bit of a douche. Or, at least you look like one. But let's move to a category of more substance, shall we?

SKILLS
  • When people talk to you do you listen or do you change the subject to talk more about yourself?
  • Do you talk about sailing a lot, wear boat shoes, yet neither sail nor boat?
  • Are you in a fraternity or sorority and use that to define yourself in your self-perceived social hierarchy?
  • Do you still use that fraternity or sorority to define yourself and you're 30?
  • Are you THAT guy or THAT girl at work or in class? (And you know the old adage, if you don't know what I'm talking about when I say that then, yes, you are THAT person.)
  • Do you secretly hate yourself, which is why you punish yourself by wearing any of the items listed in the above category?
Again, if you answered "yes" to one or more of those questions, chances are you're at least a little bit douchey.

And, unfortunately, I am no exception. Case in point: I just changed the subject to talk about myself! However, I do this in the spirit of full-disclosure. Indeed, I must disclose which of those questions I answered affirmatively because, despite that I'd love to deny these secret douche shames, such disclosure is necessary. My shameful acknowledgements will only help my case in the end, as everybody knows the biggest sign of douchery is freely calling people douchebags without addressing the 'chebag within.

And so I'll tell you: I talk more than I listen; and, I proudly wear boat shoes, yet have never donned them on an actual boat, ship or other rigid water vessel. I am not proud. Yet, I suspect neither are you because I contend that we're all a little bit douche. However, just like you, I have never and (hopefully) will never go full douchebag, which is not to be confused with "full retard," a state of mind that I go often, and perhaps am right now. But moving on...

Returning to the title and first inquiry of this post, let's turn to the hipster, a breed I once declared did not exist in DC in its true form. However, after sojourning to South America for five months then returning to this fair(ly gross) city, perhaps my previous claim no longer holds water. Or, PBR, as the case may be. Maybe hipsters do exist 'round here...

PHOTO NOTE: Like the above "douches," there is also no way to tell if these are actual hipsters, or if it's Halloween. But, then again, I did find this on LATFH, so if it looks like a drunk duck...

APPEARANCE
  • Do you sport one or more florescent colors on your person non-ironically?
  • Do you own and wear a Cosby sweater and like it not because it's a Cosby sweater but because you actually think it look appropriate to wear in public?
  • Do you look homeless (or "Derelicte") on purpose?
  • Do you pretend you have bad eyesight so you can wear retro, Coke-bottle glasses?
SKILLS
  • Have you ever lived in or do you aspire to move to Williamsburg, Brooklyn, so you can hang out with the above-pictured "hipsters?"
  • Are you unemployed, er, I mean, in a band?
  • Do you listen to Animal Collective and like it?
  • Do you insist that Sparks or Pabst Blue Ribbon actually taste good?
  • Are you high on cocaine right now?
  • Are you offended by this post, find it "totally unfunny," and plan to immediately redirect your iPad browser to Durkl or go re-read reviews of Animal Collective albums on Pitchfork?
Go ahead, add up your "ayes."As far as I'm concerned, I'll tell you that I own two Cosby sweaters that I wear non-ironically, I often look homeless (although I'm not sure how much of that comes naturally), I'm underemployed (not unemployed) and was in a band (but I don't think the past should count), I like a couple of Animal Collective songs (but just a couple!), and I'm probably going to look at Pitchfork later today. But, contrary to popular belief, I am NOT high on cocaine right now.

*sigh*

Now, while it's easy to get depressed after realizing you're both part douche and part hipster, take comfort in knowing you are self-aware enough to understand those faults and keep them in check. I, like you, remain safely outside of the stereotypes and, thus, can categorically deny being either a douchebag or hipster. And that's both incredibly fortunate and unfortunate for us because the two-part thesis I'm about to propose will both relieve you (as you're not in danger of becoming the monster I see peeking out of society's slimy uterus) and scare you (THERE'S A MONSTER PEEKING OUT OF SOCIETY'S SLIMY UTERUS! AND SOCIETY APPARENTLY HAS A SLIMY UTERUS! ICK!).

THE THESIS

I do hereby declare (apparently using language borrowed from a southern aristocrat) that full douchebags and hipsters compose two sides of one horribly annoying coin; and, ladies and gentlemen, I do believe, due to the unfortunate circumstances I graphically outlined in my declarations of H Street Death Watch, that we shall come to see a new breed emerge on that once-fine street -- the H-Bag.

Oh yes! Fear, my friends! Fear it! The H-Bag (a.k.a. the Douchester, a.k.a. the Dipster) is a dangerous animal. It combines the worst of both worlds, leaving nary a brain region untouched by its rampant and horrendously attired dickishness. Indeed, denizens of DC, we are about to be invaded. The douchepocolypse is nigh! And it is dressed ironically!

That's from the f*cking Brooks Brothers catalogue! Look how hip he is!

And that's from the spearhead of hipster research, the why-didn't-I-think-of-that genius, Look at This F*cking Hipster! Look at all that intricate, madras-like patchwork! WHAT THE F*CK IS HAPPENING?!

Yes, folks, the truth is undeniable. According to the following schmientific graph, you can see that what was once simply two mildly annoying parallel lines is now seemingly merging into a single extremely gross phallus annoying trajectory that will plunge us into the end of days! THAT'S FULL PENETRATION TO HELL, PEOPLE!


As you can see, I believe we still have at least a few months (weeks?) before this new dipster breed is born. But that's because, as the schmience in this graph shows, the douchebag is still a ways away from becoming "hip" according to this timeline. However, the hipster, on the other fingerless-gloved hand, is dangerously close to becoming a total douche. As you can see, Vampire Weekend has already arrived and is sitting there affecting a look of ennui in the BURNING DEPTHS OF HELLFIRE! WHICH IS WHERE WE'RE ALL HEADING IF THE H-BAG IS ALLOWED TO PROSPER!

But this can be stopped. Oh, by the grace of self-awareness, this can be stopped! But it won't be pretty. I urge you all to take inventory of your competing douche and hipster tendencies and I beg you to never let the two start complementing each other. The douche in you (ew) and the hipster in you (double ew) should always be competing with each other so that both remain safely checkmated by your reasonable mind. Most certainly, never say H-Bag three times into your dimmed bathroom's mirror, lest one spontaneously appear.

Please, I urge you all to be on the lookout for dipster behavior. While The Anti DC will never condone violence (unless it's about punching a bike thief in the face), I very much condone Post-It Notes scibbled with the words "OBEY H-BAG!" firmly adhered to the back on a douchester's hip, J-Crew (?!) ensemble. Spread the word...

10 comments:

FoggyDew said...

Dropping the H-bag has always been one of mankind's greatest fears. Perhaps we need to bring in Keanu Reeves, who's fought against evil in The Devil's Advocate and Constantine (and won both times), and Arnold "The Govenator" Schwarzenegger, who beat the dark one in End of Days, to eliminate the H-bag threat to humanity.

Or at least the D.C. social scene.

Boomhauer said...

I do believe that you've stumbled upon a Star Trek-like fashion Moebius strip phenomenon developing right in the heart of D.C. that'll engulf western civilization.

The question, Ms. Payne, is what can you do to stop it? Can you prevent the Douchepocalypse and the rise of the Anti-Antidouche?

Patty Duke said...

As I stated in another post:

There are still too many blacks on and around H St to worry about the Georgetown tools spreading to H St.
They will come to say that the have been there, but they won't stay. (Racial?)

That being said, anyone dressed like the guy in the Brooks Brothers picture will surely be beaten and robbed. Of course I don't condone violence. But I'm just saying.

Let's keep H St the edgy and some what sketchy place that we all know and love.

Marissa said...

foggydew--

I don't know. Keanu and Arnold are sorta 'chebags, themselves. Or maybe relentless mocking. Or, my preferred method, running away like a scared pansy.

boomhauer--

Being able to prepare for the coming Douchepocalypse is the first step. Recognizing the H-Bag is the second. I pray we all survive.

patty--

Hmm. I'm wondering what you would say about the blipster (the black hipster)? I think every hipster is primed to become a dipster (aka, H-Bag, aka douchester). No?

The Law said...

Is it just me, or does the douche in your fancy-pants graphic look eerily like Caruso?

Debbi said...

I thought the Brooks Brothers H-Bag was that guy from AC/DC. Evil hipster/douche twin?

Patty Duke said...

Hmm, Blipster. It could happen, but my native Trinidad (neigborhood near H St) brothers and sisters ain't having it. They would definitly have to come from outside of the nieghborhood.

Marissa said...

Well, it's no secret that Caruso is a douche...

debbi--

YIKES! What if we all have evil dipster twins!?

patty--

Thanks for having a pulse on Trinidad for me. I barely have a pulse outside of my apartment. Keep up updated...

Elsbeth said...

Haha how do you come up with this stuff, I love it.
Nothing like that emerging here in the Netherlands yet, everybody here is just going about their business wearing Uggs. Ugh.

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