Friday, May 7, 2010

unbreaking news

Once again, as The Anti DC strives to bring it to you last, we've finally caught wind (or is that broke wind?) of the new "Social" Safeway grocery store in Georgetown. Now, I don't know about you, but I had no idea DC has its priorities straight enough to nickname various Safeways in the city. There's the Suicide/Starburst Safeway (which is named so, apparently, because you must cross a five-way intersection -- the "starburst" (or something) -- to get there); there's also the...the...

OK, so apparently one nickname for one Safeway was good enough. UNTIL NOW! Which is where the "Social" Safeway comes in, although after you hear (probably for the third or fourth time) about what makes this Safeway nicknameable, we all might want to think about renaming it the "Special" Safeway. And and I don't mean because it's one-of-a-kind. I mean because it's retarded.

If you don't believe me, then please believe DCist, which is mainstream media'd enough to get the ol' invite to this grocer's "gala" opening. (Or as I like to think of it, they did my work for me, as all the below photos are from them, as well.)

The Social Safeway is back! The Social Safeway is back! D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty headed over to the company's new flagship store for a ribbon cutting [yesterday] morning, but not before a select group of invitees attended a swank "gala" at the store Wednesday night. DCist stopped by to survey the scene and it was about as surreal as you might imagine. Ladies in gowns and high heels sipped champagne and nibbled on imported cheese while leaning against bottled juices and packaged cookies... WTTG/FOX5's Roby Chavez calls it "'the' party in Georgetown." The question of the morning therefore goes to Southwest Waterfront residents: Are ya feeling a little less special about your new store now?

And the answer is yes. All SW Waterfront residents should feel a lot less "special" as I suspect the most happening party in their 'hood doesn't go down at a f*cking grocery store. That is, when someone refers to "deez nuts," they're not talking about a gigantic nut bar.


Although, wait a second... 'dose nuts look delicious. And everyone knows you can't have a good party unless you have enough nuts to go around. (That's what I said.) But still, despite all those scrumptious nut varieties I would like to have in my mouth, this party is still lame, right? I mean, just look at this stupid wall of wine.


Oh Jesus. That looks refreshing... And how well it would go with all those salty nuts! But whatever. Just because the joint is well-stocked with delicious nuts and wine doesn't mean you're gonna have a good time. I mean, it's not like they have ice cream and cake, and we all know that's what you need to throw a good...

*pause*

What? They did? I don't believe...


GODDAMIT! This soiree is getting really, really hard to make fun of. I mean, with all the nuts, booze and now over a baker's dozen flavors of fresh gelato, what can I mock?! What's next, you're going to tell me the guestlist was cool?


Oh. Phew! It seems no matter how many frozen desserts you put in one building, hell will remain safely hot. And special. Indeed, tonight when us poors are popping open a can of Planter's peanuts and filling up our take-away glass bottles with Franzia, we can rest assured that all is still right in the world. Have a good weekend.

5 comments:

FoggyDew said...

According to this http://gridskipper.com/archives/entries/064/64939.php, there are also the Southwest, Un, Secret, Senior, Sandinista and Soviet Safeways in D.C. Who'da thunk it? Personally, I shop at the Teeter.

Patty Duke said...

Spesheal!

Debbi said...

Only in DC.

Jess said...

All we get at the Un-Safeway are 2 semi-comatose security guards and randomly strewn boxes of rat poison. Whatevs

Marissa said...

foggy--

Shit. Again, I'm the last to know...

patty--

Ha!

debbi--

The unfortunate truth...

jess--

Which means if you're in the market to steal rat poison, you're set!