Thursday, July 17, 2008

and because it's all true...

So it seems yours truly has made it in the douche world, which is disgusting because I think it means I have e-crabs now. Um, ick. Anyway, my post about what just might be the most tired reality show idea of all time was linked on e-douche central, Late Night Shots. Naturally, I went over to check it out (yes, it's that easy to infiltrate), but I highly recommend you stay away. I feel dirty...in a bad way.

And while it's true I know none of the girls who volunteered to be shamelessly typecast on "So You Think You Can Douche?" (on third thought, let's go with that name), I know for certain that the Late Night Shots crowd as a general whole seems like a truly gnarly bunch of townfolk. I've been in that sh*t, e-friends, and what I've e-seen ain't pretty. But it is pretty f*cking hilarious! (Don't believe me? Peep the incredibly clever caption in the above photo courtesy of LNS...hardy har! Although, at least they tried...)

The thing is, I just wish LNS knew how big of a non-ironic joke it is, then maybe it'd be tolerable. I mean, if I -- a girl 100 percent disconnected from the Smith's Point scene (do you kids even still go there anymore?) -- can find a means to log into this "members only" site, you know you've been had. I have neither the power of Wonkette, nor the cachet of someone who can stand to be friends with you, yet there I was, Web-surfing in a sea of tool and douche, when I stumbled upon LNS's infamous "forum," a virtual meeting place where the great minds of our day come to philosophize about topics even Socrates dared not to contemplate. And what I found illustrates every point I made in my previous point:

Herpes or A Baby: What is Worse?

Guys: would you rather contract the herp or get a girl pregnant that refuses to abort and plans on having it?

Girls: Same question, but you have to have the baby.

Thoughts?

Thoughts indeed! This is truly a topic for the ages if I've ever seen one! And knowing that a future President of the United States of America probably wrote it makes it even better! Three cheers for American politics -- is there any moron you can't make president? But enough about the question; the real evidence of LNS's true douchebaggery (mixed with a few heaping dashes of idiot) are found in the responses:

Fairly tough call. A baby sucks, but it's at least normal and not frowned upon. Herpes, although there's a lot of stigma attached to it, is quite common. Something like 20-25% of people in the US have it.

And something like 100 percent of the LNS crowd has it. No judgment!

i would much prefer having herpes to having a baby. i'd rather take valtrex for the rest of my life than have to deal with having an abortion or a child.

I honestly don't feel the need to comment on that doozy...

I'd take the baby all the way, hope that it's not retarded, feral or a fatty boom batty and fulfill my biological imperative. Nothing says I have to raise him/her, right? Just slip the check under the door each month: "18 years, 18 years, She got one of yo kids got you for 18 years."

Interesting that he uses the conjunctive "or" instead of "and" when describing his offspring fears -- retarded, feral or fatty boom batty (15 eloquence points to you, sir!) -- as if each is independent of the other. Son, in your case, I'm sure they're not. Indeed, however, this young man is on the right track by asking, "What Would Kanye Do?"

I'm a girl in my mid-20's, low number of sexual partners, and I'd take herpes in a New York Minute. Everyone has heard the stats that most adults have the herp or will get it, so you will likely end up with someone else who has it or who doesn't care. Plus even though you can't cure it you can treat it. My brother takes Valtrex for cold sores and they go away in like 3 days. No babies, no thank you!

Yowza! You'd take "the herp" in a "New York Minute?!" Well, I'm 100 percent 50/50 that there's several LNS douchebags who'd be willing to take you up on that offer. By the way, your brother sounds like a real catch! No Herpes Simplex 1, no thank you!

And between herpes or a baby I would take a baby any day. So long as it wasn't with a prostitute.

Ah yes, the ol' prostitute baby. Soooo much worse than the ol' prostitute herpes...

I would rather have the herp. Like it has been said before, It's easier to lie about herpes than to hide a baby.

Yes! "Like it has been said before!" I love that proverb. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it was Confucius who said, "Our greatest glory is not in never lying about your herpes but in hiding your baby."

I don't understand all of this talk about herpes being easier to hide than a baby. Herpes is permanently in your body and if it's on your junk it likely mainifests [sic] itself every couple of months. Any night when you're out it could potentially pop up. A baby is actually quite easy to hide. If you have one you can leave it at home with the baby momma on weekends and go out and crush chicks. How will they know you have a baby?

Now here's a real thinker! True, when "crushing chicks" it is hard to hide anything that "mainifests" on "your junk." Indeed, you do not want that to "pop up." But this living, breathing "it," this real-life fruit of your loins? Why even bother with the "baby momma" at all? Just tie it to a tree, give it some water and it'll be fine for a few hours days. Party on, douche!

Yeah, this reality show is going to be pure gold...

7 comments:

Matt said...

I feel like I need to scour my e-soul with a Brillo after reading this post... The e-viruses those e-bags infected me with was only, barely, kept in check with your e-antiviral observations.

Beach Bum said...

You crack me up!

LivitLuvit said...

Yeah, I don't really understand the question anyway, since they're all infected anyway... it should have been qualified, "If you DIDN'T already have the herp..."

Sam said...

I like how, in that last comment, it never occurs to the douche that he could, perhaps, just keep his "junk" in his pants anytime it "pops up"....but doing that is much harder than hiding a baby.

Shannon said...

Late Night Shots never stops being funny, does it?

Liz said...

Ha! Smith Point.

I went there for a friend-of-a-friend's birthday - a group of people were having a party. They'd made "boob" cakes with cherry nipples. And the group was standing around joking with the staff about the cake-boobs being chocolate.

To their credit, the staff seemed unimpressed and I heard they later over-charged for drinks by something like 1/3. Vigilante server justice, perhaps?

Anonymous said...

someone really left this crap up for people to read? These kids have nothing better to do than to get drunk, have sex, and all around dicks? College is OVER!