Tuesday, July 15, 2008

the douchebags of our lives

Washington, DC, is known for many things, not least of which is its extremely high douchebag population. Yay!

Per capita, I'm pretty sure there are more douchebags in the District than there are in the entire state of California. And New York. Combined. Hell, I bet there are more douches in DC than there are probably in the entire continental United States. Wait, no, f*ck it. I'll even throw in Hawaii, Alaska, Puerto Rico, Guam and, let's just do it -- Canada. That says something.

And like anyone else who finds themselves either living in or visiting this douchebag-infested Capital of the Free World, chances are you either 1) are a douchebag yourself (in which case, get the hell outta here!), or 2) you've had at least one...hundred run-ins with said douchebags. I, for instance, run into douchebags so often that it's hardly a big deal anymore, and certainly not always blogworthy. (Although once in a while it still is.)

But if this high concentration of DC-area douchebags barely registers anymore on The Anti DC "Let Me Be A Smug Jackass and Mock You" scale, these douches certainly don't register on The Anti DC "Fine, I'll Let You Buy Me Dinner and, OK, Other Gifts, Too" scale, which is a damn shame because apparently 48.5 percent of DC's douchebags are single, according to CNN Money:
Our nation's capital is packed with singles, from business-minded urban professionals douchebags, government employees douchebags and future politicians douchebags to students douchebags at area universities including Georgetown, American University, Howard and George Washington University. And Washington, D.C., is known for bringing together young people douchebags eager for opportunity -- at work as well as within its vibrant social douchebag scene which includes numerous clubs, restaurants, bars, and other entertainment douchebag venues.
Yes, I took the liberty to edit that slightly, as I think CNN Money's research team failed to reach to the heart of the matter. Anyway, before we all I burst into tears, put Elliott Smith on loop and cry by myself in a cold bathroom stall while I continue to age, let's take a look at the other cities on the Top 10 list that might help put our my sh*t back into perspective.
  • 1. Hoboken, NJ -- 57.7 percent single, but 100 percent in Hoboken, NJ.
  • 2. Cambridge, Mass. -- 52.4 percent single, but, as someone who used to live there, let me tell you it is not unknown to see a microeconomics book on a bar counter. Now, had it been macro...I could work with that. (Eh, not really. I'm dumb.)
  • 3. Somerville, Mass. -- 51.4 percent. I've been to some fun parties in Somerville, so miraculously I don't have much ridiculous sh*t to say about this one. RAZZY'S!
  • 4. Berkeley, Calif. -- 51.2 percent single...hippies.
  • 5. Boston, Mass. -- 50.3 percent single. Um, OK. We got it. Boston has a lot of college students. Great.
  • 6. Burlington, Vt. -- 50 percent single, but, um, it's cold there!

  • 8. Boulder, Colo. -- 48.2 percent single, but, um, it's cold there! (Yeah, I got nothin'.)
  • 9. North Druid Hills, Ga. -- 47.6 percent single, but, um, it's hot there! (Yeah, I still got nothin'.)
  • 10. Hermosa Beach, Calif. -- 47.2 percent single, but listen to this and I dare you to tell me you don't find it completely unappealing: "Hard bodies head to Hermosa Beach, known by some as the beach volleyball capital of the world. Free summer sunset concerts, the Annual Aloha Days Surf Festival and shops and boutiques are all within walking distance from its sandy shore." Gross. A bunch of good-looking, fit people enjoying the beach, the nice weather and various free concerts and festivals?! Heinous, I say! The horror is simply unimaginable! *UPDATE! THIS JUST IN! The best pick up line ever in Hermosa Beach?*
Until the next douching hour,



Capitol Hill 20210 said...

douchebags = job security for me

Anonymous said...

I lived on the other side of the Charles in Boston... almost as insufferable as DC but they had accents and worship the Patriots. (As a Skins fan, this is just all shades of upsetting.)

On the other side of the Charles, I couldn't hold a conversation with anyone. Sorry I DON'T KNOW HOW THE BRAIN WORKS OR ANYTHING ABOUT ASTROPHSYINOMICS.

I actually "stole" a guy from some chick who lived in Cambridge. She basically spent the whole time bitching because she was "smarter" and more "intellectual" and wanted to go to "Medical School"... so why did he want to date me instead?

Although I agree... slammin' Sommerville parties.

Gilahi said...

If you're including North Druid Hills, GA, I have to assume that "single" includes "widowed".

The DC Feed Editor said...

Interesting post! I have linked to this at The DC Feed.

I-66 said...

So you're saying I should walk up to a girl and tell her that her balls are showing? Let me try this.

Excuse me, Goose. Did you know that your balls are showing?

Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Anonymous said...

I've lived in both DC and Boulder and let me tell you: though the Boulder douchebags don't wear suits, their douchebag tendencies are far more disgusting than the DC ones. They drive BMWs and bitch about poverty in the world caused by the "man". F that. At least DC is straight up about its douchebaggery whereas Boulder pretends it's the best gift to earth.

BAD said...

all this talk of dating and douchebags make me wonder if female douchebags should be called douchebaguettes.

Anonymous said...

thank you thank you...i thought it was just me but its true. i just moved here 3 weeks ago after living in philly and atlanta for the past decade but since ive been here every day after work i jet home, grab a beer, light a cig, and crank some black lips. thing is i usually dont even smoke. all the flops, cargo shorts, vertical striped ''going out'' shirts,and penny loafers/boat shoes just really makes me want to try heroin. im not the one with the problem though.

The Vinyl District said...

bad: comment of the week! nice one!

Marissa said...

cap hill--

Me too!


Cabridge is definitely hit or miss. But I must say I preferred it greatly to Allston (the only other place I lived in Boston). I'd rather talk about math than talk about how much a 19-year-old douchebag can beer-bong.



dc feed--

Thanks, I'll check it out!


The King of Obscure Comments strikes again! Put your balls away!

anon #1--

Point taken.


I second "douchebaguettes" (although that's incredibly close to my bike's name).

anon #2--

Wait, I was with you til you dissed the boat shoes, oh and the heroin. But back to the Topsiders: there is a good, non-douchey way of wearing them and I will stand by that until the day I die.

Anonymous said...

Yea, Allston is very special. Thankfully avoided that place at all costs. I did love living in Brookline, though, even if it could be a bit snooty.

I think my favorite was living in the South End. The guy I was living with had gotten a place that was a converted school house with loft ceilings, exposed brick, marble countertops... drool. I swear I half dated him to live there, haha.

maryjanejeff said...

Yeah, no dissing the boat shoes! Especially the ones with the trail runner-like grip on the outsoles. Has saved me a couple ankle sprains, that's for sure.

Yeah, the cargo shorts are only for when you need to carry car keys, cameras, wallet, and about eight other things at once but can't bring the backpack.

anonymous, I used to live in Denver, lean much closer to Boulder politically than say El Paso County, but I totally agree about the behind the scenes douchebaggery up there. Lots of hypocrisy that's for sure. Which is a shame because the local (10 min away) hiking can't be beat anywhere.

maryjanejeff said...

Forgot something, Denver/Boulder in January is usually 45-55 and sunny. :)

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