the pretty iffy fifty ain't so nifty and spiffy

Well, e-friends, it's that most glorious time of year again! Oh, don't pretend you don't know to which momentous annual feat I'm referring! Indeed, the local paper I've yet to read, The Hill, has named its 50 Most Beautiful People! FINALLY! Phew! We can all rest easy tonight.

And no, they didn't decide to peruse all of DC for their hottie list, but instead opted to limit themselves to the fugliest of DC's neighborhoods, the paper's eponymous District subsection -- Capitol Hill.

Now, finding 50 lookers on the Hill cannot be an easy task (trust me), so for that I must give a tip of the old e-hat to the poor reporters who were assigned this piece by their clearly sadistic editor. However, when reading through these selections, I must say, we're truly grasping at straws douches here. For instance, there are several cop-outs, including, two in the Top 10 alone:

No. 4 -- Elizabeth Kucinich, wife of Rep. Dennis Kucinch (D-Ohio)

Mrs. Kucinich surely is hot, but let's be honest, this tall glass of ginger milk ain't really of the Hill. She's just married to one. Thumbs down, The Hill!

No. 9 -- Rep. Gresham Barrett (R-S.C.)

Now, I admit Mr. Barrett is not bad looking, but COME ON! He's no goddamn Norm F*cking Coleman! My man was robbed, I tell ya! Robbed! (Although his wife wasn't!)

Also, I'm pretty upset that The Hill got lazy and only ranked the Top 10 in any sort of numerical order. In fact, I've barely pulled myself together enough to type the rest of this. See, the other 40 hotties are presented in random order under the simple title of "40 More." Downgrade!

But let's take a gander anyway and e-creep on some of these beautiful young men and women.

First, there's 26-year-old Aaron Gardner (pictured right), who "isn't afraid to wear seersucker pants and pink ties." (You go, girl!) He's a single Republican and mein eyes tell me he is indeed a pretty attractive man, however, someone at The Hill obviously hates him. They dubbed him "The Cat-Loving Sharp Dresser." What the mother-eff kind of caption is that?! Mrs. Kucinich got dubbed "The British Goddess." The guy pictured directly after Gardner got "A Reporter With a Chiseled Face." And Gardner likes cats? Well, I don't like cats.

But that's not the worst caption. My God, it's not the worst. Nope. The worst (but unintentionally funniest) of the captions goes to another Top 40 hottie, Rep. Betty Sutton (D-Ohio), whose photo (pictured left) is accompanied by the words, "Must Love Dogs." BURN! But it's kind of true, in this case. Arf! But don't get me wrong, Ms. Sutton is a good-looking woman at age 44, but what the eff is she wearing? That's some Filene's Basement clearance rack sh*t circa 1994. And that collar! Are we hang-gliding later?! Yet while her hideous suit is bark-worthy, her haircut is pretty tight. Seriously, her highlights are tight and I like her bangs.

Another zinger (and I'm using that term loosely, like The Hill apparently uses the term "beauty" -- OH SNAP!) goes to not just the caption attached to the photo of 23-year-old Carl Baloney, which reads "Not Your Average Piece of Meat," but also for the first sentence (and I am not making this up...): "Our beautiful baloney has a first name and it's C-A-R-L." Because I'm sure he's never gotten that clever ditty before! Oh, what's that reporter Betsy Rothstein? You asked him about people making fun of his name and he told you it was annoying? Yes? "People still crack jokes," said Baloney. "You'd be surprised how many adults make that joke." Including The Hill! You get an "F," intrepid reporter Betsy! An "F" for FUNNY, that is! ROFL! OMFG! LOL! Oh, and a solid "C" for your average Creativity. (And I get a "Z" for ZING!)

But then there's Otto Muckly, the 34-year-old "freedom-loving biker," whose picture has him perched on his motorcycle. Now, with a name like Otto and with a picture of him on a motorcycle, this is the perfect situation for a pithy pun caption. Might I suggest, "Otto-Mobile" or "Otto-Matic" or "Otto Insurance" or "Otto and His Stick Shift"? (That last one is gold chrome!) It writes itself, really, yet The Hill went with "Otto and His Motos." Total mega yawn.

Now let's get real. Who's hot and who's not (Otto, please rethink your facial hair)? Well, I have no idea how people end up on this list. I think they're nominated by their uglier friends or something. But as far as deciding the Top 10, I hear the process is similar to electing a new pope. Much like when the College of Cardinals holds conclave in the Sistine Chapel for their top-secret pope election, all The Hill's editors gather in the Capitol's Rotunda. Except instead of the smoke signal used by the Vatican's Scrutineers to announce a decision has been made, the editors have an 18-year-old intern run out to the awaiting crowd swathed in a seersucker unitard and armed with a Blackberry. The intern then uses the BlackBerry to text the President, who writes back "Ur a ham sandwich" to signal the decision is final.

But regardless of the logistics behind it, the list as a whole is pretty depressing. And it's not that I'm pissed that I wasn't nominated (I think I've made it quite clear I have no friends on the Hill, not to mention I'm Hill-hideous -- I don't wear polyester, after all), it's just that most of the people on the list look exactly like everyone else on the Hill. That is, I know at least a dozen 10 six three two people off-hand who are at least as hot as most of the interchangeable tools featured on this list. One of them even dresses impeccably, which I guess makes her Hill-hideous, as well. Eh, so nevermind. I guess they got it right. Ham sandwich.

But hold up. They didn't get it totally right. (And here's my "oh no she di-uhnt, oh yes I did" moment!) To close out my little review of what might be the most retarded concept since the unfortunately named Ayds diet plan, I present to you Miss Coty Wamp, the 19-year-old daughter of Rep. Zach Wamp (R-Tenn.). If you don't mind, I'd like to offer her a little one-on-one advice. Ahem. FOR THE LOVE OF MAYBELLINE, PLEASE LAY OFF THE EYELINER! Maybe she's born with it? Or maybe someone simply punched her in the face. Twice.

Hollywood we ain't.

NOTE: For additional lulz, please see DCeiver.