Monday, July 21, 2008

shambles p.i. -- hidden hipster edition

I have a fairly epic and detailed post in the works regarding my experience (and mon Dieu was it an experience...) at Baltimore's ArtScape street festival on Saturday afternoon and night, but like I said, it's epic, so I still need at least another night to process those shambles. In the meantime, however, I'll give you a little taste of what's to come by channeling the ever-popular Where's Waldo? series. Let's play, Where's the Ironic Hipster?

Did you spot him? (That's a hint. It's a boy!)


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There he is!


But what's so ironic, you ask? No, not the fluorescent green baseball cap, or his matching belt and wayfarer shades (hipsters now where this stuff in all seriousness); not the amorphous hipster shuffle he's positioned himself into (he's rocking out to Claire Huxtable, again, in all seriousness because, as I can personally attest to, Claire Huxtable's sh*t is tight); and certainly not the fitted T-shirt, which just barely meets the tight-clothing requirement of any decent hipster (and with those baggy khaki shorts, I'm almost tempted to drop him from hipster categorization altogether, but for the sake of the game, I won't). Nope. What's ironic about this particular hipster is his choice of footwear. If you wouldn't mind taking a closer look...


Yep, THOSE ARE EFFING CROCS! Now, ironic boat shoes, I can handle (obviously). Objectively kind of hideous TOMS slip-ons, I can handle (and kind of heart). But ironic Crocs? That sh*t just ain't right and I cannot handle that. I don't care how avant-garde you are or are trying to be. In no world are Crocs OK to wear in public. In fact, even if you're just picking tomatoes in your backyard, I'd suggest a more eye-pleasing shoe, unless, of course, you want the terrorists to win, commie...

Seriously, I, along with reason and logic, cannont stress this point enough. If dishabille hot messes can't sport Crocs, any self-respecting hipster (*insert obvious hipster/self-respect joke here*) certainly cannot wear Crocs -- IT IS NOT OK! My retinas are still burning...

Plus, if you don't believe me, believe fate. Bad fashion karma is not to be messed with and this particular shuffling hipster got what he deserved when one of his Crocs slipped off midway through Claire Huxtable's hot-track of the moment forever "Holy Ghost on the Dance Floor" (of which I'm privy not just to the original version, but three different remixes including an acapella iteration, as well (it's OK to be jealous)). Thankfully, however, no one was hurt, and hopefully lessons were learned -- I repeat threepeat: DO NOT wear Crocs under any circumstances in public! They will make you look like an asshole.

In the spirit of Claire Huxtable, however, I will not write this hipster off as just another statistic. I'll pray for him to the Holy Ghost in the Shoe Store to save his soles! LOL! (C'mon, you knew that pun was coming! And you're welcome.)

10 comments:

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

I thought about you Saturday night when I saw 4 pairs of Crocs within a 30 minute time period, at a bar no less - in your favorite city - Dale City that is.

I think you need to come up with a Shambles P.I bumper sticker

"Shamble PI says NO to CROCS"

Lemmonex said...

There are plenty of shoes out there that are just as comfortable but not nearly as ugly.

Anonymous said...

Crocs are for four year olds going to the pool. Anyone clearly over five wearing them should be taken aside and given new shoes.

LivitLuvit said...

We need to start a Croc-hunter website or something, like the FUPA hunter one but you know, with a (respectful) play on Steve Irwin, and devoted to the complete and utter humiliation of all people over the age of 12 spotted wearing Crocs in public. We could Gak them like they used to do on Nickelodeon game shows...

Marissa said...

cap hill--

I'm not sure whether to be flattered or offended that Crocs reminds people of me...

lemmonex--

Exactly. May I suggest a Topsider? It would've complemented his outfit very well.

anon--

I'm not even sure if they're OK on the four and under set... It seems a little abusive to me...

livitluvit--

I, too, have thought about sliming Crocs-wearers as well as douches in general. The tipping point is nigh in our collective consciousness...

BAD said...

I think Toms are beautiful.

evers said...

90% of the people at whartscape(dirty hipsters) were more of drag than this guy.

Marissa said...

bad--

I know you do. You're part of the reason why I kinda heart them!

evers--

Ah, Whartscape. I didn't hear about this competing street fest till yesterday when I was blog-goolging Artscape, trying to get a feel for other people's reactions. Knowing what I missed, I'm a little sad. I love dirty hipsters. Artscape was mostly dirty hippies. Now that's a drag.

Peter said...

At least they match his shirt.

Marissa said...

peter--

There is no "at least" in this situation. YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER, YOU EASTERN BLOC HIPSTER!