when bad english goes badder

I don't often blog about people I know, but when I opened my Inbox yesterday morning and read what I'm about to share with you, I knew this had to be blogged. I had no choice.

First, let me introduce you to my friend Peter, who currently lives in Kiev, Ukraine. Before I received this E-mail I really knew only a few things about Peter -- he's from Iowa, he used to live in Moscow and he once wore an eye-patch to a Stereo Total show just for lulz. But with the arrival of this historic E-mail yesterday, I learned so much more...[WARNING: "COLORFUL" LANGUAGE COMING UP!]

As some of you know, I indulge in a pretty geeky online game called Travian -- you've all heard me say, at one time or another, "I have to take care of my villages!" or something equally NERDLY.

Anyway, in this online game you can attack other players, which I do, because I'm a dick. Now, the game has a built in messaging system; you can send messages to any player in the little online world in which you are playing. The multinational, multicultural nature of the game has made for some pretty amusing English -- and given that the messages are usually angry missives demanding that I stop attacking the senders, the tone is usually pretty strident.

Anyway, I was attacking this one dude, who sent me what is DEFINITIVELY the best correspondence I have ever received from anyone, ever. I am pasting it below, in its entirety, for your enjoyment. Please feel free to pass it along, and ask yourselves -- what's a yancale? Ahem:

"Stop attacking me you fucking bitch your mother do gavoa gavoa and your father do in the hand and sister is a bitch in rehovot and your brother is a kaki (by shimonle) and you have a big yancale in your fucking Ass and your mother dohefet coks to her zain and your father lick her big tits and your sister to in the hand to your brother and your grenma is a bitch in tel-aviv and your a moher samim in Bankok,and you sister need to get back her braw from my room hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah your doing with me in the bad tomorrow soryy on the shgiot htiv

Another somting: your sister said that its very fun in my bed and she wunt to come agin evrey day tell her that i will be happy and your mom is bitch nun bet. ata kaki met"

Wow. Just wow. That is, perhaps, definitively the best missive ever. What the hell is a "yancale?" And while we're at it, what's a zain? And, I shudder to think, but what is the meaning of "by shimonle?" I'm soryy on the shgiot htiv, but I just don't have any answers!

I'm honestly not quite sure how this person's English got so awesomely bad. Perhaps he learned only through this nerdly computer game? And here I am trying to learn Russian through silly things like books and grammar. But you know what books and grammar get you? A grammatically correct lexicon! And where the ata kaki met is the fun in that?! Dohefet grammar and legit "words!" That's right, I said it! DOHEFET! Peter, where do I sign up for this nerd squad of yours? I already blog everyday and am learning more and more HTML code by the minute, so I'm pretty sure I could kick some gavoa gavoa at this Travian you speak of. Trust me, you wouldn't want to e-mess with this nun bet.

Who's with me?! Let's take care of some villages!

[Thanks Peter :) And another somting: Go moher samim yourself in Bankok. For realsies.]