Wednesday, July 2, 2008

winter sky, bitch

There are a few things in life that I'm fairly clueless about -- the meaning of life, the names of different cuts of beef, why David Hasselhoff is still on TV without Kitt, and men's fashion. While I can perhaps bullsh*t my way through the first few items on that list, with the last, all I can do is offer my personal preferences. That is, I know what I think looks good on a man, but I don't really know anything about the fashion behind it (i.e. where to shop, how to make sure what you buy fits well and general trends).

Actually, I can't even say I know what I think looks good on a man, since I'm pretty convinced a guy who looks something like Johnny Depp can wear, well, whatever it is that Johnny Depp wears and still look mighty fine (see right, is he sporting the Canadian tuxedo under the tweed?!).

So, with that in mind, when I got a rather uniquely worded, but eloquent E-mail from a new e-friend the other day asking for men's fashion advice, I naturally handled it the only way I know how -- I asked my main fashion gay for some wise words. But before we get into what ma'gay thinks about men's denim, let's first take a look at this E-mail, which truly is a work of art (if I had a payroll, this guy would be hired for sure):

Dear AntiDC-

I write to alert you to a concern that you may or may not be privy to, but I would be remiss and unkind to my gender to fail to bring it to your attention. I have the hope that you may sound the alarm with greater volume and urgency than I am able to. This matter is very close to my, er, special area. You've no doubt deduced that I'm talking about a serious dearth of solid men's jeans for sale in the world.

I've just now returned from H&M and Zara, hoping to scoot out quickly to replenish this staple of the modern wardrobe. Not to go into detail, it will suffice to s
ay that I was rebuffed at every turn. Each jean which appeared promising from afar would, upon closer inspection, reveal floral stitching, pre-fade patterns that would make a Backstreet Boy blush, unnecessary (and often oversized) elements like zippers or peeking-pockets-within-peeking-pockets-within-pockets. Of probably 24 styles perused, each would have greatly enhanced the probability of my being snapped and posted to a douchebag-hunting site.

Granted, I did not comb far for said jeans, but in my defense I have perused the selections at Macy's, Denim Bar, and others. Every once in a while I can find a strong, sober pair (e.g., http://www.denimbaronline.com/store/item.asp?ITEM_ID=510), but I wonder if you share my distaste for the vast majority of manpants on offer in America in this age? If jeans were cars, our option
s would be Pontiac Aztecs, Smartcars and DeLoreans -- scarce be the classy but understated Accord.

I think it must go without saying how important the availability of solid jeans are to our generation. It is truly a crime that the situation has devolved so far.

If you could see fit to post on this topic, your male readers would find it of great value. Perhaps simply to include douche-jeans in the sights of your sizable verbal weaponry? Also, advice and tips as to how we might escape from this sub-beltline Iditarod would be received with the utmost gratitude.

With great regard,

[name redacted]

First off, I've never seen a better use of "Iditarod" in my life. Second, I must concurwith this man's antipathy toward so-called douche-jeans. They are far too common in this city, ranging from tool-approved pleated varieties to overpriced Georgetown denim with "pre-fade patterns that would make a Backstreet Boy blush" (paired, of course, with an Abercrombie T-shirt and a sport jacket). Unless you literally are Johnny Depp, these types of douche-jeans will do nothing -- I repeat, NOTHING -- for your "special area," as it were. In fact, even if you are Johnny Depp, I do believe donning a pair of douche-jeans may officially make you not hot anymore. OK, maybe not "not hot," (that's a little drastic), but not hot in that je ne sais quoi way that is definitional of Monsieur Depp. *sigh*

So, what's a stylish man to do?

Well, according to my most fashionable gay friend, the first thing to do is "never shop at H&M again." Pressed further, le gay said overall poor quality does not a decent jean make. (Truthfully, while I love H&M for T-shirt couture and the occasional accessory, I must second him in warning against purchasing wardrobe staples at this establishment, unless of course you plan on never washing whatever it is that you buy. If you do, it will disintegrate.)

According to ma'gay, however, men should try Acne jeans or even American Apparel, which "has some good jeans now." (That last tidbit is news to me, too. My last purchase in AA was some metallic gray stirrup tights (yes, you read that right -- metallic gray stirrup tights) at the beginning of the year and I do not remember seeing pants at the downtown DC store...I am intrigued now...)

And although this Brooklyn-based style maven didn't mention it, I can wholeheartedly attest that online shopping is clutch in the District. In fact, it's kind of clutch everywhere...even New York, as el gay recently proved. Along with his advice, he sent along a hot lil' pic of himself craftily using the camera to protect his identity as not to get mobbed in the streets by millions hundreds tens of readers of this blog. In it he's wearing his latest online purchase, a Helmut Lang windbreaker he found on an online sample sale site called Gilt Groupe (to which I can send you an invite if you're at all interested).


And just to be sure, let me ingrain in you how serious that this here gay is about his fashion by giving you a glimpse of our back-and-forth text messages about said windbreaker:

gay: Just made my first Gilt Groupe purchase.
me: Sweet! What did you get?
gay: Helmut Lang windbreaker
me: Oh nice! I'm going to look it up.
me: Is it the gray one?
gay: Bitch, please. The color is winter sky.

And there you have it. Bitch(es), please, don't you dare buy douche-jeans.

7 comments:

I-66 said...

My favorite pair of jeans I got... in New York City.

WTF.

suicide_blond said...

bitch puhleeze...ive been waiting alll morning for my gilt-y pleasure invite!!!
and im making winter sky...my porn name!
xoxo

Marissa said...

i-66--

Color me not surprised...mine were bought online.

winter sky--

Well, I'd send it, but I can't find an email address to sent it to! (And they're having their 90 percent off sale right now...FYI.)

Marissa said...

So, apparently people are comment-shy today. So here I am to relay to you what's been emailed to me. Word on the proverbial street is that the Barneys CO-OP in Georgetown has a pretty good selection of men's non-douche denim. But, well, you have to go to Georgetown. Trade-offs.

Stevious said...

I might try and sell all the jeans I've ruined by pouring concentrated acid on them (it happens a lot) at inflated prices.

The Law said...

That is the most stylish windbreaker I have ever seen. Looking good, bitch!

Marissa said...

stevious--

Depending on how baggy they are, that may be a hit among the douches in America. I can be your U.S. distributor. Done deal.

the law--

You know that bitch always looks good!