in which balls come up thrice point five times

I woke up extremely disappointed this morning when I realized that the reality my REM sleep cycle helped me create last night wasn't actually real. I don't remember all the glorious details, but I was definitely go-kart racing Vladimir Putin and David Caruso. I woke up before the end, so I don't know who won. Nor do I know how we all decided to take to the go-kart track in the first place. What I do know, however, is that we were all good friends. What does this have to do with anything, you ask? Those two grace this week's lazy blogger list, which has me linking to the tightest sh*t on the Web! And to continue my quest of learning how to count to five in various foreign languages, this week I'm using one of my personal favorites -- Finnish. This language sounds so f*cking cool, especially when sung by Eljan "Johnny" Liebkind, who may or may not be in prison on account of a couple of white collar crimes. Whoops! But I won't judge. This list is dedicated to Johnny. (May I also just add in, that Finland is home of 2006 Eurovision "song" contest winner Lordi, who unfortunately sing in English (or, um sing at all), but fortunately entitled a song "Bringing Back the Balls to Rock." Enjoy that one!)

Yksi! But back to Putin and Caruso. I got into a very serious argument last night with someone who tried to deny Caruso's awesomeness. It was ridiculous, since it's a simple fact of life that Caruso's sh*t is tight. So tight, in fact, is Caruso's sh*t that even Putin has taken to emulating him. Can't you just picture it? Putin and Sarkozy are in Miami. Putin cooly removes his sunglasses and says over his shoulder about the Georgian president, "I am going to hang Saakashvili by the balls." Cue The Who: YYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kaksi! Remember the DIPLO show I blogged in which we learned I'm apparently at least a smidgen sweet on DC? Well, here's some sweet photographic evidence that better explains why.

Kolme! OK, now let's move forward, well, numerically, that is, since I'm actually going to link to what the always hilarious Bike Snob NYC posted on Wednesday. He came up with the metaphorical perfectly tailored pair of tight pants of theories, and hot damn, I love a good theory! Excerpt: "Stupidity minus Anger equals Weirdness. In other words, when I observe something inexplicable and get angry about it, I've observed something stupid. But when I observe something inexplicable and don't get angry, I've simply observed something weird. And weirdness is much easier to live with than stupidity." Who knew BS was so full of truth? (See what I did there? HIYO!) He also discusses this bicycle wheel, which has clearly had it up to its spoke nipple with haters.

Neljä! This will be funny to maybe three people who read this blog, which is probably a healthy 50 percent of its readership, so I'll go ahead and post it. If you speak Russian, you'll be laughing your goddamn жёпа [zhopa] off at the phonetic subtitles in this video. If you don't, I'll just tell you those kids are singing about sluts -- shaggy sluts! (And now I'll wait for the Google searches to lead a whole new group of pervs here.)

Viisi! Last and definitlely least, I will leave you with this, which is how people without cable keep up with really important sh*t that happens in America. In place of talking about "smoking balls," though, this week Brian, my favorite dork from The Pickup Artist 2, talks about dressing up as Richard Simmons, grabbing "a boob" and running away. Slick!