For those of you registered in DC, you may have noticed something a bit odd in your voter registration materials. Can you spot it?
While I'm sure most people might know where I'm going with this, allow me to obnoxiously point it out anyway, emphasizing this oddity with a menagerie of random objects.
What the hell is this?! I get to vote for someone to represent me in the legislative branch of the federal government -- the branch that creates many of the laws that allow the Internal Revenue Service to take my money?! IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!*
*Except that it's not, thanks to those ominous floating asterisks.
Unlike every other person outside of this khaki-clad cess-pool of nametag-wearing jagbags, according to the asterisk-y addendum, "U.S. Senator and U.S. Representative are local D.C. offices which have the same title as the federal offices that will be created if the District becomes a state."
So, what I'm getting out of this is that these positions are elected to...do nothing? That is, unless the District becomes a state, which will happen in exactly never years, DC's two faux-Senators and one pseudo-representative get to just sit back and wait for a call that will never come from Congress? Do they get paid for this?! Because, if so, I'm so in. That sounds like the perfect job for me, actually.
Seriously, had I known about this sooner, I'd have launched a campaign and gotten my e-friends to donate their Facebook statuses to me. And maybe a few coins to pay for some sweet television spots that highlight just how skilled I am at collecting money for doing nothing.
And although I'm pretty patient, I'm one that likes to get the proverbial heads rolling. So while I could've just sat back and waited around for nothing to happen, I would've had a key plan of action. That is, I'd have earned my money not solely for loafing, but for lurking, as well. See, I'm a pretty damn fine loiterer. In fact, I'd even venture to say that I've perfected the art of chillaxing. While that may seem like another variation of doing nothing, I'm pretty sure I could add a little harassment to the mix and really take care of bizness. Eventually, the whole of Congress would all be so sick of me, that they'd grant DC statehood just to get me my own office and get me out of their geriatric faces.
If that's not a solid plan for change or a Maverick-like move, then my friend Peter isn't the most creative visionary of Halloween costume design you've ever seen.
Unfortunately, just as it's too late for me to cop Peter's Halloween steez, if you will, it's also a bit too late for my campaign to really take off. As such, let's review some of the candidates who were smart enough to jump on what might be the best job ever in time to get their names on the ballot.
Alas, though, by "some," I really mean "one," since most everyone on the ballot nearly put me to sleep with their statements filled with talk of "experience" and "policies" and sh*t. The only one to stand out and truly make an impression on me was Damien Lincoln Ober. This guy didn't mention his qualifications even once, which makes me think he's probably best suited for the job since, apparently, you don't really need any skills anyway. But what convinced me more than his seeming total lack of experience was the style of his statement. He put together a whole narrative!
"1999: two homeless men sit outside a computer lab pouring champagne they buy every New Year's Eve. Together, they watch a room full of computer programmers, corporate executives and politicians sweating the approach of midnight. Eyes bounce from clocks to computer screens and back. The last second drops off ... and nothing happens. A short breath and the people in the room totally loose [sic] it. They're screaming, crying, praying, kissing, fainting. Outside, one of the homeless men sips champagne, says, "I wonder if they're going to act like this all millennium?"I have no idea what in hell Ober's talking about, but I appreciate his efforts, even with an obvious typo. I also appreciate that he's dubbed himself the "Shadow Senator" and maintains a Web site called www.shadow08.com. Oh, and he's made a sweet campaign ad!
There are so many references to Plato's cave allegory in that video that I can barely contain myself! In fact, I'm about to do something unprecedented here on The Anti DC and make an official endorsement. That shady bitch has got my vote! Now if only it mattered...