Tuesday, November 18, 2008

that dirty joke better make me puke

As far as workplaces go, mine is definitely awesomely abnormal. For one, the vast majority of my tiny office is 30 or under. In fact, save for our boss and our office manager, the entire office is squarely part of Generation Y. Yet while our birth certificates claim us as part of Generation Y, I'm pretty sure we come off as even more immature.

My office is a bit of an indoor playground from hell. There is A LOT of Nerf weaponry; a large poster of a former assistant secretary to something decorated with Flock of Seagulls hair, Kanye West glasses, a molester mustache and, of course, several shirtless Putins; and a whole slew of inter-office taglines, including, but not limited to:

"I'm not too good for that."


"I'll bite your ass!"

"Who's this dick?"

"Tease Me With Your Butt, The Sequel."

And of course, the very necessary, "That's what she said," which punctuates the end of far more inappropriate sentences than it does at Dunder Mifflin. Moreover, as to be expected, rape, butt cancer and any jokes that would be considered suitable material for a multi-million, possibly billion dollar sexual harassment lawsuit elsewhere abound. Once, my boss even asked me to Google "hot pants." Don't ask.

The point is, if my office suddenly shut down and we all had to get jobs elsewhere, we'd probably all be swiftly fired, or at least I would be, as having only previously worked in offices in Moscow, Russia, I've been completely conditioned to never get offended nor realize when I offend someone else. Although, I suppose, by "realize," I mainly mean "care." I just don't care.

Apparently, however, this would make me a most unsuitable candidate to work at Metro (as well as very poor as I'd be fending off at least a dozen lawsuits every few months), as The Examiner reports a Metro engineer of 16 years was fired recently for telling a dirty joke.

When I first heard about this story, I must admit I was very intrigued. I wanted to know what this controversial dirty joke was so I could tell it to my office! Luckily, the bloggers extraordinaire over at DCist did this legwork (or would it be buttwork, since we're talking about something naughty?) for me:

Uncle is drinking at a bar with his nephew.

Nephew says, "I finally got to give my girlfriend oral sex last night. But it wasn't like you said. Thanks for the tips, but it didn't taste at all like a peach. It tasted like sh*t."

Uncle says: "Well, you've got to flip her over."

What?! That's it?! A little cunnilingus allusion and a scatological reference?! That will get you fired in this town?! Are we sure it was because this joke was offensive? Because honestly, I'd be more likely to fire him for telling such a disappointingly unfunny dirty joke. I mean, if you're going to go for it, then GO FOR IT. Bestiality! Necrophilia! I mean, can I get a "What What (In the Butt)" for Samwell's sake?!

In fact, if you're going to get fired, forget about words all together, because it's inappropriate actions that make for the best material for long-time laughs. Perhaps an inappropriate massage from your 60-something-year-old boss? Or maybe his hexagenarian endomorphic gut gets a little too close to you for comfort? Or hell, let's go ball's out (that pun is clearly intended) -- perhaps it's high time we all just pop our pants off in the workplace. Or maybe just me. My tight pants feel so constricting sometimes.

Yet even if I did do that, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get fired because, as we've learned from the above story, I'm pretty sure there is no office more depraved than the one in which I work, meaning that, besides the part about having actual reponsibilities, my office is the tightest comedic environment I could ever ask for. Seriously, I bet I could literally run around this place naked setting sh*t on fire and I still wouldn't get fired. Although, I guess that would depend on what I burned. The point is, my office is a magical little place where the line is a dot and even then it's still invisible. It's perfect.

Except, seriously, can I get some staples up in this piece?! Honestly, who do I need to go sexually harass to fill my stapler?! "THAT'S. WHAT. SHE. SAID!"


I-66 said...

Do you mean setting metaphoric shit on fire, or like, actual feces? I think it's an important detail.

Marissa said...

You know what?! I DIDN'T EVEN CATCH THAT! Let's go with actual feces for the sake of argument.

LiLu said...

I second that she should only have been fired because of the UNfunny-ness of it all. Seriously, that joke is so 2001.

Lemmonex said...

I don't really get the whole "that's what she said" thing. I mean, I get it...but I don't.

And that joke is fucking lame.

Jack said...

I'm sorry, but any joke that doesn't reference a Dirty Sanchez just isn't funny.



Marissa said...


I take comfort in knowing there's someone else out there who thinks that if you're going to go down, you should do it in a blaze of glory. Perhaps even literally...SH*T ON FIRE!


The Metro joke or the "That's what she said" joke? I'm guess the former, because the latter, while overplayed for sure, still never fails to make me LOL. I'm very easily amused, though.


Well then you will be happy to know the Dirty Sanchez is a part of our routine office repertoire. Wow. That came out totally wrong. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! (Seriously, it just doesn't get old!)

I-66 said...

...if you're going to go down, you should do it in a blaze of glory...

That's what she said.

Anonymous said...

I didn't even get a stern talking to for this one at my work:

Q: What's bad about having sex with an 8 year old?

A: Nothing.

Marissa said...


Well played.


I must admit, I LOL'd at that. Such a simple, yet unexpected punchline!

FoggyDew said...

I used to be a reporter who's abandon the true faith and sold his soul to work for a defense contractor (really, the devil pays so much better than Hearst).

I spent the first six months terrified I would say something reportery, something that wouldn't even be worth a second glance in a newsroom, but would make ladies in my office faint and the men puke.

Thankfully I weathered that storm-I've outlasted (read driven away and replaced) all those of weak will. Bwahahahaha.

Now that we've got a thicker skinned crew all I worry about is someone walking along in the hall and hearing what we say. That could be bad.

Marissa said...


I commend you for reforming...well, sorta. I like that you didn't really reform. I'm afraid I'm unfit to re-enter any other workplace but that in which I presently reside. Just today, for instance, when my editor was asking for help to compose a want ad (btw, anyone need a job?!), I suggested he change "Hiring for several positions" into "Hiring for several sex positions." Yes, I truly do have the humor instincts of a 14-year-old boy.

FoggyDew said...

Got a link to that ad? My contract's being rebid right now. Just wanna be prepared.