My office is a bit of an indoor playground from hell. There is A LOT of Nerf weaponry; a large poster of a former assistant secretary to something decorated with Flock of Seagulls hair, Kanye West glasses, a molester mustache and, of course, several shirtless Putins; and a whole slew of inter-office taglines, including, but not limited to:
"I'm not too good for that."
"I'll bite your ass!"
"Who's this dick?"
"Tease Me With Your Butt, The Sequel."
And of course, the very necessary, "That's what she said," which punctuates the end of far more inappropriate sentences than it does at Dunder Mifflin. Moreover, as to be expected, rape, butt cancer and any jokes that would be considered suitable material for a multi-million, possibly billion dollar sexual harassment lawsuit elsewhere abound. Once, my boss even asked me to Google "hot pants." Don't ask.
The point is, if my office suddenly shut down and we all had to get jobs elsewhere, we'd probably all be swiftly fired, or at least I would be, as having only previously worked in offices in Moscow, Russia, I've been completely conditioned to never get offended nor realize when I offend someone else. Although, I suppose, by "realize," I mainly mean "care." I just don't care.
Apparently, however, this would make me a most unsuitable candidate to work at Metro (as well as very poor as I'd be fending off at least a dozen lawsuits every few months), as The Examiner reports a Metro engineer of 16 years was fired recently for telling a dirty joke.
When I first heard about this story, I must admit I was very intrigued. I wanted to know what this controversial dirty joke was so I could tell it to my office! Luckily, the bloggers extraordinaire over at DCist did this legwork (or would it be buttwork, since we're talking about something naughty?) for me:
Uncle is drinking at a bar with his nephew.
Nephew says, "I finally got to give my girlfriend oral sex last night. But it wasn't like you said. Thanks for the tips, but it didn't taste at all like a peach. It tasted like sh*t."
Uncle says: "Well, you've got to flip her over."What?! That's it?! A little cunnilingus allusion and a scatological reference?! That will get you fired in this town?! Are we sure it was because this joke was offensive? Because honestly, I'd be more likely to fire him for telling such a disappointingly unfunny dirty joke. I mean, if you're going to go for it, then GO FOR IT. Bestiality! Necrophilia! I mean, can I get a "What What (In the Butt)" for Samwell's sake?!
In fact, if you're going to get fired, forget about words all together, because it's inappropriate actions that make for the best material for long-time laughs. Perhaps an inappropriate massage from your 60-something-year-old boss? Or maybe his hexagenarian endomorphic gut gets a little too close to you for comfort? Or hell, let's go ball's out (that pun is clearly intended) -- perhaps it's high time we all just pop our pants off in the workplace. Or maybe just me. My tight pants feel so constricting sometimes.
Yet even if I did do that, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get fired because, as we've learned from the above story, I'm pretty sure there is no office more depraved than the one in which I work, meaning that, besides the part about having actual reponsibilities, my office is the tightest comedic environment I could ever ask for. Seriously, I bet I could literally run around this place naked setting sh*t on fire and I still wouldn't get fired. Although, I guess that would depend on what I burned. The point is, my office is a magical little place where the line is a dot and even then it's still invisible. It's perfect.
Except, seriously, can I get some staples up in this piece?! Honestly, who do I need to go sexually harass to fill my stapler?! "THAT'S. WHAT. SHE. SAID!"