Wednesday, November 12, 2008

yet somehow i'm still gainfully employed...

It's been a year since I first posted this, the original thesis statement of this silly little blogging endeavor. Have I stuck to it? Kind of. Do I care? Not really. Unlike Baskin Robbins circa 1996, I can't get fired from this job, since, well, it's not really a job. Phew. But much like a job, in the past year the metaphorical huffing glue that is The Anti DC has morphed from a random hobby into a daily obsession. Unfortunately, mastering the art of bitching with a generous dollop of retardedness, doesn't add any pennies to my McScrooge-style money vault. But what it lacks in cold hard cash, this blog makes up for in unhealthy ego inflation. Apparently, people read this sh*t. Who knew?! Well, Statcounter, I guess.

But while my spiffy Statcounter tells me how many people get here and from where they come (Googling "vladimir putin speedo" recently led someone here), no gadget of any kind will ever enlighten me as to why people actually stay. Is it my e-magnetism? My elegant wordsmithing? Or am I simply the e-village idiot? Whatever the reason, it's besides the point (although I suspect it's the latter) because it's time I extend a sincere thank you to all of you, the readers, who make writing each day all the more enjoyable. So, thank you. And merci, gracias, danke, 谢谢, kiitos, спасибо, شكر and so on and so forth to all the misguided Googlers around the world searching for "hookers in tight pants." Hey, wait a second...

But enough about you, let's get back to the real cause for celebration -- my unending dorkdom.

And so, allow me to shove you down memory lane, or, for those of you who are relative newcomers, allow me to introduce you to some of my past "work" by composing a masturbatory timeline highlighting the milestones that led to this blog's current state of degeneration. Break out the virtual guns and super-sized bottles of booze and gather 'round your loved ones because it's e-party time!

11/12/07: wait, wait ... you're how old again? I consider this my first respectable post, but has DC met my plea to "remove the proverbial stick swiftly and permanently wedged in its collective ass?" The jury in my mind is still out on that. But more importantly, I still can't detect any permanent wrinkles!

11/19/07: ground control to major douche In what would later become a full-scale theory, this post marks my first attempts to understand "douchebaggism" through the actions of a man named Rusty Cox. I wonder who he's making feel uncomfortable with his unwanted sexual advances this year?

12/12/07: i'll see your bleached jeans and pleather go-go boots in hell The Anti DC Theory of Fashion, which I still believe to be valid today, came to fruition in this post, thanks to the mind-reader that is Miss Cleo, as well as the genius of Pee-Wee Herman and the cartoon phlegm made famous in Mucinex ads. Yeah, it's a solid theory.

12/20/07: i'll see dc's public transportation system in hell Continuing a series of DC-related things I nonchalantly announced I would "see in hell," this post marked my first usage of my most favorite non-word, "retardulous." Re-reading this post makes me so happy that I'm now a bicycle commuter. Not only do I no longer have to see DC's retardulous public transportation system in hell, but I don't have to see it at all.

1/4/08: dc fashion blog jihad anyone? Thanks to a shout-out by A Serious Job Is No Excuse's Johanna, who will hopefully win an editorial position at Elle as part of that show Stylista, which I can't even watch because I'm poor and only get four channels (sigh), this post is probably in the Top 3 as far as how many human eyes have seen it. (And that sentence is in the Top 3 as far as how many clauses I can pack in.) It was also my first post that had repercussions, since I targeted specific blogs run by actual human beings, rather than dumb generalizations that no one cares about. Whoops. And so the next day I issued my first and only clarification, i.e. I'm not a complete asshole (i've got some 'splainin to do!).

2/26/08: home on the range... A whole new world of awesome opened up for me regarding the activity about which I composed this post -- skeet-shooting. I loved it so much that I decided to try my hand at video-montage making. Did it work out? I guess, in a remedial sort of way. This post also contains the first of a now far-too-regular feature, outfit amour-propre, that has me HTML-ing ridiculous photos of myself that will surely come back to haunt me in the future. On the other hand, I've got a mega tight firearm in this picture, which might haunt your dreams.

3/14/08: where there's smoke, there's hitchhiking Accurate reporting and ethics have never really been important on this blog, so I have no way of verifying the purported truth most of the time, unless, of course, something happens directly to me (and even then, it's probably still a little sketchy). However, I had to take this guy's word for it regarding the day DC became helpful and friendly. It's too good not to believe. However, the next day the city returned to business douching as usual.

3/17/08: party like it's 1999 ... in hell Once again, as I continue to astound myself on this e-trip down memory lane, I was spot on in my analysis. As far as nightlife in DC goes, I'm still convinced there are excellent nights and then nights that make you want to do something illegal just to get arrested. Yes, even prison sounds more pleasant than some supposed "clubs" in DC.

3/20/08: and now i will offensively explain why you hate your job I'm sensing that the more I blogged, the more creative my titles got, if, of course, by "creative" I mean I could've saved everyone from reading something excessively long by just stopping at an 11-word headline. And, surprisingly, this post did not get me fired. Although there's always still time for that, I suppose...

4/9/08: shambles p.i.: dc better watch its proverbial back In my never-ending quest to expand my offensive reach, this day marked the first of what has become almost as regular a feature as me blogging my own outfits (see above). Judging from reader feedback, Shambles P.I. might be the most popular and interactive aspect of this entire blog. See? That's what The Anti DC is all about -- bringing people together ... to collectively mock others. You're welcome.

4/17/08: uh-oh! people don't like me! If you've read this blog for any period of time, chances are you've realized The Anti DC does it's fair share of courting e-trouble, whatever that means. In turn, it seems not everyone loves me. It's weird. But to those people, I continue to say, "I'll see you in hell."

5/6/08: i will see your motor vehicle in hell Marking one of the most glorious days since I've moved to DC, this post outlines my purchase of my bicycle, Baguette. Vive le liberté!

5/31/08: p-a-r-t-y? 'cuz we got to! I try my hand at fiction using all the winning words from the Scripps National Spelling Bee, which I was cool enough to watch on TV when it aired...on a Saturday night. If I'm in DC for next year's bee, though, I am 100 percent attending this sh*t live. I'll be sure to wear nacarat and cause an esclandre.

6/16/08: i bought tickets to the gun show My fascination with guns continued throughout the summer when The Law and I attended our very first, quite probably illegal gun show. This sh*t was hardcore in that I almost got lynched for taking a photo. On the other hand, I learned how to put a booby-trap in a chocolate bar.

8/11/08: you're a dick, ma'am This post records what probably is my most ridiculous effort to throw down a gauntlet of justice on a driver's ass. To this day, I don't understand what happened...sir.

9/8/08: inevitable questions Coming off an employer-funded bender in Vegas is never easy. However, avoiding conversations with uninteresting people is. Clutch advice, no? Don't answer that...

10/3/08 death threats! hooray! And to close this megalomaniacal review of my megalomaniacal e-personality disorder, I'll conclude with a post about an incident that proved to me that I had finally e-made it -- my first threat of bodily harm. Thank you, anonymous would-be maimer, thank you. You made my year!

Here's to another?



Skywalker said...

I'm here to read angry and poignant essays on the virtues of bad wardrobe decisions, the music scene, and the social temp of the District. You're like my indie rock friend.

I'm staying around to read more.

I-66 said...

I'm here for the masturbation.

Wait. That's not what I meant.

I'm here because my puppy needs someone to uppercut.

No, wait. That's not it either.

Hold on. Where am I?

I-66 said...

PS: nllm mlln

Lemmonex said...

Congrats. If you can make it a year, you are here to stay.

Shannon said...

Aw, happy Blogiversary! Marissa and her blog: DC's Cutest Couple.

The Internet said...

One year and you're still looking like an asshole.

maryjanejeff said...

That beer shot rocks! Where do I get beer like that? I went into Safeway on Rt 1 Monday night and saw this atrocity:

A $1.50 special sale price for Safeway Card Holders on cases of Bud Light, cans. The "sale" price, $18.49. Until I saw today's blog entry the aformentioned atrocity was going to drive me towards permanent, eternal sobriety via if that's a f***** sale price what the hell will it cost me for good beer?

Happy Birthday Blog!

Marissa said...


And as long as I reside in DC there probably will be more. Although I'm secretly waiting for the Shambles P.I. rapture to occur and suck up all the believers in coordinated, well-fitting outfits and just take us all away.


Guaranteed that you just thoroughly confused my mom. With every single one of those comments. Nice!


That's a most frightening prediction...


And by "my blog," you mean Norm Coleman. I know...

the internet--

Stop trying to act like I'm not making you a better place. Or I'll punch you in the dick Murky Coffee style. Just sayin'.


Hmm. For this brew, you have to go to Uruguay. I'm not really a beer connoisseur so I have no idea what's a good price or not. But talk to me about vodka, then I'll have some sage advice.

The Law said...

Happy e-birthday! nice ass!

Peter said...

One year already? Dazzling.

Marissa said...

the law--

Thanks. Sweet butt!


Bedazzling even!

jheisel said...

you know how you get excited for a new episode of simpsons every week, and then they throw you a clip show and it is lame?

this post is kind of like that episode. disappointing, m, disappointing!

ps: i checked out milwaukee's JUICEBOXXX tonight at gogol and i would highly recommend him should he come by your neck of the woods.

Marissa said...

WHAT?! Do you know how long it took me to get Norm Coleman and Putin with Flock of Seagulls hair to pose for this photo?!?!

Um, and since when is Moscow getting acts like JUICEBOXXX to come over? That all seems so random.

jheisel said...

Has Moscow ever been anything other than random?

Juiceboxxx himself could not really explain it. Nor could he explain how he is going to play in Kiev tonight. It is all a part of the weird and wonderful world we live in.

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